So, for those that haven't been watching the weather in Alabama, the whole state basically shut down due to the threat of snow and ice. Which worked in my favor for ways that you wouldn't have guessed. It helped me procrastinate something I'm not looking forward to at all. I'd managed to avoid it for a few weeks and thought I'd have to do it today but luckily this weather came around. I'm talking about my next radiation treatment.
See, I went a few weeks ago for the first of three treatments and it was much harder than I thought it would be. I ended up with a collapsed lung and was physically, mentally and emotionally drained for well over a week. Due to the complications, I had to skip the next week due to doctor's orders. Then the next week I decided I just couldn't handle it so I put if off. Then the next week came and I told my husband that some other things had to be settled before I could face another treatment. I just didn't think I could handle another rough week while we had some big decisions up in the air.
But I knew I couldn't keep putting it off. This was treatment that I had fought so hard to have. Treatment that I praised God for getting approved. Treatment that I made a HUGE deal over being the last possibility. And now I'm putting it off like a dental appointment. I have all the above excuses for it and they are partly true, but not the whole story.
As I sat here today watching the weather turn into no big deal, I started wondering what was going on in my brain. Family and friends have been asking me when I'm going to get back on track. When I stop long enough to think about it, I feel like I'm letting them all down. I mean, I made such a big deal about "never giving up" and hear I am just sitting on my butt doing nothing. Just letting time pass on by, week after week. As if this is just a tooth cleaning that can be put off without dire results.
The truth of the matter is I'm scared. I'm scared because I've been told there really aren't any options after this. I'm scared because what if it doesn't work? What if we do the other two weeks and the cancer is still there? What then? At least now I have these last two treatments to "look forward to", in a sense. My worrying is kept at bay by not doing anything because I still have this last option to check off my list.
I know I can't put it off forever. I know by doing nothing I'm not taking control. Instead I'm letting the disease run my life. I'm letting worry and fear run my life. And by doing that, I'm telling God that I'm not trusting Him with my health. Even though the doctors are telling me this is the last treatment option, they are not the ones with the ultimate say. God is. Even though the doctors act like this is a "Hail Mary" of sorts, they are not the ones who get to decide my fate. God is.
And the only way to trust Him completely is by making the appointment and leaving it in His hands. So, for everyone who has been asking and to those too afraid to ask, a week from today I'll be on my way back to Atlanta. I'll be back to fighting this disease instead of it fighting me. Thank you for being patient with me and understanding my trepidation. Thank you for always being in my corner and allowing me the space to procrastinate. But thank you for also letting me know the procrastination has to end. All it took was a fake snow day to get me back on track.
Hope everyone is staying warm out there. Love to you all.
