Please forgive me today if this blog is a bit all over the place but I have a lot of emotions from yesterday that I would like to explain. Please bear with me.
Guilt....this is something that has been a part of most of my life. For many years, I could feel guilty over ANYTHING. I say "I'm sorry" so much that it drives my husband bonkers. It could be raining and I think it's my fault. This is something that I am very aware of and have tried very hard to work past. Guilt just wears you down and saps the energy right out of you. It doesn't do anyone ANY good. So, why feel it? I know where mine comes from...a place of insecurity and not feeling "good enough".
As many of you know, when I was 23 I was disowned from my family. I was told I was dead to them and would go to hell because I had the devil living inside of me. My father actually used scripture verses as his reasons for why I couldn't be his daughter anymore. Of course that was a very difficult time and it affected me greatly. Not nearly as much today, but it took a long time to get past. Even though I knew they were in the wrong, you can't help but wonder why you weren't good enough for your own parents. How could they not love you enough? Was I really that bad of a person? Those are questions that will keep you up at night.
Fast forward to Matt and I getting married and trying to have a baby. For about three years we suffered from infertility issues and the doctor we were seeing told us that we most likely wouldn't have a child. Feeling total dispair, we went to see our pastor and asked for his advice. Should we keep trying or should we adopt. Much to my surprise, he didn't have advice either way. He told us that the Holy Spirit was speaking to him very clearly. And he was saying that I still had unresolved issues with my parents that I needed to get past first. That I needed to be able to forgive them before I could move on to be a mother. I was pretty irritated sitting in that office. I had gone there for clarity about our current situation, not to relive the past again. But our pastor was not budging. He insisted that I had work to do.
So, because I had nothing to lose (not because I fully believed him AT THAT POINT), I went to our local Christian book store, bought a book and workbook on forgiveness and stayed up for 48 hours straight working on it. By the end of those long two days I actually was at a place where I could tell my parents I forgave them. Finally. Without reservation. I didn't think I'd ever get to tell them since we weren't in contact, but God had other plans. One day, yes ONE DAY, after I finished that workbook, I received an e-mail from my father. We had hardly spoken in years. I wasn't even sure how he had my e-mail address. At that moment, I knew the pastor was right. The Holy Spirit had been in that office that day. What a gift from above. I can still remember how I felt when I saw that e-mail come across my computer screen.
I'd love to say that there was a happy resolution, but that wasn't the case. I expressed my forgiveness to my father and he refused it. He told me he hadn't done anything to be forgiven for; that I was in the wrong. I started to get upset but I realized that wasn't the point. It didn't matter if my father accepted the forgiveness. The point was that I had given it. And given it freely and honestly.
In addition to the wonderful feeling of releasing that anger, I also remember the guilt I felt. If it was my anger towards my parents that was keeping us from having a baby, that was my fault. I was the one keeping my husband from being a father. I was the one that put him through all those doctor visits and miscarriages. I was the one keeping his dream from coming true. We did end up of course having a happy ending - soon after the e-mail converstion with my father, I went to a prayer and healing service. And three weeks after that we found out we were pregnant with Alex. Praise God.
But still I felt guilty. Yes, we had this wonderful gift, but it didn't change how I felt. I thought for many years that if I had gotten my stuff together earlier, I would have saved us the three years of trying. And maybe if we'd had him earlier, we could have gone on to have a second child. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
Living with cancer also means that I live with the same guilt. It's me that is sick and it's me that needs treatments and it's me that is bringing pain and heartache into the house. I often ask what God wants me to learn from this disease. Why hasn't he healed me yet? Is there something, like with the infertility situation, that I am supposed to deal so I can become cancer free? I've read everything I can get my hands on, I pray, I talk to pastors, I try as hard as I can to "work on myself" just in case this is truly my fault.
No one I talk to suggests that it is my fault. It's actually the opposite. People tell me I'm way too hard on myself, that I didn't choose to have cancer, that I can't "fix" myself into not having a disease, that it's God's plan, that's it's out of my hands, etc, etc.
Until yesterday....yesterday someone suggested that I am actually choosing to have cancer. That my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are what are making me sick. I learned that when I was at the Cancer Treatment Center getting ready for my radiation. And I just started bawling- gut-wrenching, body shaking sobs. Crying where you can't catch your breath. Because this person had touched that tiny place I try to ignore where I still think it's my fault. Because what if that person was right? Had I done this? Had I put my family and friends through three years of hell because I'm that screwed up? The tears weren't so much that the person had said this (although it still confuses me) but the "what if"? What if the person was right? What if I was actually this terrible, terrrible person that God had allowed to have cancer as some sort of punishment?
I reached out to two friends and they tried their hardest to convince me that person was wrong. That many, many, MANY Godly people have had or still have cancer. That I hadn't done this to myself or my family. That I didn't choose this. That I had been doing everything in my power to get past it. And that they admired how much faith I had in God that he would heal me. And as much as I believed these two dear friends, I still cried off and on throughout the day and woke up crying this morning. I'm embarassed to put all that in writing because I hate for people to know I'm such a cry baby (but I don't think it's that much of a secret).
This morning when I woke up still upset about what the person had said, I realized I needed to stop focusing on what was in that e-mail. I needed to focus on my reaction to it. Yes, the tears were probably a combination of a lot of things. Yesterday was the last treatment in this round and there is fear about it not working. The tears were also a culmination of all the stress of these past years, fighting a war that never stops. But I have to be honest that those tears were also about my guilt. Guilt that I still haven't gotten rid of. Even though my friend was wrong - I didn't choose cancer and I can't make it go away on my own - the person hit a nerve where I am still questioning myself. And that's what I have to get rid of. That little (well, probably not that little) nagging fear that I'm somehow to blame, that I'm not a good enough Christian for God to heal and if I were just "good enough" my cancer would be healed. Maybe I need to go find a book and workbook on guilt and stay up for 48 hours straight. ;-)
So, what to do now? Well, for starters, I need to find something to conceal these puffy eyes. Thank goodness I'm working from home. But more imporantly I need to find a way to get rid of this guilt once and for all. And tell myself I am already "good enough", that God loves me exactly as I am, that my cancer isn't a punishment, that I didn't cause this (let alone choose it) and find a way to TRULY believe those things. That will be the hard part. But today I'm up for the task.
Thanks for listening. And thanks to my two sweet friends who helped me get through a rough day yesterday. I love you both to the moon and back again. :-)
