A couple days ago my husband was playing Trivia Crack (which is very similar to crack by the way) with our son sitting next to him. This was the question that came on his screen: "which year was the first black president elected." Alex asked "what does it mean 'black president'?" Matt and I looked at each other and I felt like time stopped. A million things ran through my head in the next ten seconds, but the first thought was "I hate that this day ever had to come."
Until that day, we had managed to raise Alex pretty much color blind. He never called his African-American friends or classmates "black". If he had to describe him or her, it was by the clothes they wore or how funny they were or how nice they were to him. In fact the ONLY person he had ever described as a different color was Matt because he worked outside and was much more tan than Alex and me. This was something we were very proud of. We were glad that Alex had grown up with kids of different races in day care, preschool and now Kindergarten. We didn't want him to see people by the color of their skin; we wanted him to see all people as equal. And I felt like we had done a very good job of that until this week.
But with that question on a small screen in my husband's hands, I felt like that was all changing. How could I explain to him that color didn't matter when that question was phrased as if that was the only thing that did? How could I tell him not to describe someone as black, white, red, asian, hispanic, spanish, etc when that trivia game was putting so much emphasis on color?
We tried our hardest to explain to him that our current president is of a different race than we are and how that doesn't make him any better or worse than us. Just different. We tried to get him to see that people in this country may come from all different places but that we are all Americans. We tried getting him to understand that in our home people are all created equal.
Do I think he got it? No, I know for a fact he didn't because he told us it didn't make any sense and we were just confusing him. And I wished so badly that I could turn back time and have a different question pop up on the phone. I wanted to go back to when my baby didn't see black or white, he just saw individuals. Some of you may be thinking that I am incredibly naive to think we will ever have a world where color of skin is not a factor. And maybe I am naive. And some of you maybe thinking that I have no right to comment since I am white and can't imagine what it is to grow up African-American. And maybe that is true as well. I don't know how it would be to have a different color skin. I can't change the fact that I am white, but I also don't want that to be how people see me. I want them to see me as a Christian, a mother, a wife, a friend, caring, considerate, helpful and loving. Being white is just a tiny, tiny, TINY part of who I am. And if I don't want to be identified strictly by my skin color, I don't want to identify others that way.
I know the other day was inevitable. Alex would surely have overheard someone saying "that black man" or "that black boy" or something similar. Maybe I am lucky that we made it until he was six before him learning that others put such a focus on color. But when the subject comes up next, as I know it will, I plan on telling him that even though the rest of the world places so much importance on color, our home does not. Will this change society? No. Can one person, one family get rid of any leftover racism in our community? No. But for me it's a start. All I have control over is myself and my son (at this point). All I can do is keep working on us. I know that God doesn't see black or white when he looks down from Heaven, He just sees all the people He created. He sees each one of us as completely equal. And I want to do my very best to see us the same way.
God bless you all. Hope you have a wonderful day. Every one stay warm!
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Fake snow day, cancer and procrastination
So, for those that haven't been watching the weather in Alabama, the whole state basically shut down due to the threat of snow and ice. Which worked in my favor for ways that you wouldn't have guessed. It helped me procrastinate something I'm not looking forward to at all. I'd managed to avoid it for a few weeks and thought I'd have to do it today but luckily this weather came around. I'm talking about my next radiation treatment.
See, I went a few weeks ago for the first of three treatments and it was much harder than I thought it would be. I ended up with a collapsed lung and was physically, mentally and emotionally drained for well over a week. Due to the complications, I had to skip the next week due to doctor's orders. Then the next week I decided I just couldn't handle it so I put if off. Then the next week came and I told my husband that some other things had to be settled before I could face another treatment. I just didn't think I could handle another rough week while we had some big decisions up in the air.
But I knew I couldn't keep putting it off. This was treatment that I had fought so hard to have. Treatment that I praised God for getting approved. Treatment that I made a HUGE deal over being the last possibility. And now I'm putting it off like a dental appointment. I have all the above excuses for it and they are partly true, but not the whole story.
As I sat here today watching the weather turn into no big deal, I started wondering what was going on in my brain. Family and friends have been asking me when I'm going to get back on track. When I stop long enough to think about it, I feel like I'm letting them all down. I mean, I made such a big deal about "never giving up" and hear I am just sitting on my butt doing nothing. Just letting time pass on by, week after week. As if this is just a tooth cleaning that can be put off without dire results.
The truth of the matter is I'm scared. I'm scared because I've been told there really aren't any options after this. I'm scared because what if it doesn't work? What if we do the other two weeks and the cancer is still there? What then? At least now I have these last two treatments to "look forward to", in a sense. My worrying is kept at bay by not doing anything because I still have this last option to check off my list.
I know I can't put it off forever. I know by doing nothing I'm not taking control. Instead I'm letting the disease run my life. I'm letting worry and fear run my life. And by doing that, I'm telling God that I'm not trusting Him with my health. Even though the doctors are telling me this is the last treatment option, they are not the ones with the ultimate say. God is. Even though the doctors act like this is a "Hail Mary" of sorts, they are not the ones who get to decide my fate. God is.
And the only way to trust Him completely is by making the appointment and leaving it in His hands. So, for everyone who has been asking and to those too afraid to ask, a week from today I'll be on my way back to Atlanta. I'll be back to fighting this disease instead of it fighting me. Thank you for being patient with me and understanding my trepidation. Thank you for always being in my corner and allowing me the space to procrastinate. But thank you for also letting me know the procrastination has to end. All it took was a fake snow day to get me back on track.
Hope everyone is staying warm out there. Love to you all.
See, I went a few weeks ago for the first of three treatments and it was much harder than I thought it would be. I ended up with a collapsed lung and was physically, mentally and emotionally drained for well over a week. Due to the complications, I had to skip the next week due to doctor's orders. Then the next week I decided I just couldn't handle it so I put if off. Then the next week came and I told my husband that some other things had to be settled before I could face another treatment. I just didn't think I could handle another rough week while we had some big decisions up in the air.
But I knew I couldn't keep putting it off. This was treatment that I had fought so hard to have. Treatment that I praised God for getting approved. Treatment that I made a HUGE deal over being the last possibility. And now I'm putting it off like a dental appointment. I have all the above excuses for it and they are partly true, but not the whole story.
As I sat here today watching the weather turn into no big deal, I started wondering what was going on in my brain. Family and friends have been asking me when I'm going to get back on track. When I stop long enough to think about it, I feel like I'm letting them all down. I mean, I made such a big deal about "never giving up" and hear I am just sitting on my butt doing nothing. Just letting time pass on by, week after week. As if this is just a tooth cleaning that can be put off without dire results.
The truth of the matter is I'm scared. I'm scared because I've been told there really aren't any options after this. I'm scared because what if it doesn't work? What if we do the other two weeks and the cancer is still there? What then? At least now I have these last two treatments to "look forward to", in a sense. My worrying is kept at bay by not doing anything because I still have this last option to check off my list.
I know I can't put it off forever. I know by doing nothing I'm not taking control. Instead I'm letting the disease run my life. I'm letting worry and fear run my life. And by doing that, I'm telling God that I'm not trusting Him with my health. Even though the doctors are telling me this is the last treatment option, they are not the ones with the ultimate say. God is. Even though the doctors act like this is a "Hail Mary" of sorts, they are not the ones who get to decide my fate. God is.
And the only way to trust Him completely is by making the appointment and leaving it in His hands. So, for everyone who has been asking and to those too afraid to ask, a week from today I'll be on my way back to Atlanta. I'll be back to fighting this disease instead of it fighting me. Thank you for being patient with me and understanding my trepidation. Thank you for always being in my corner and allowing me the space to procrastinate. But thank you for also letting me know the procrastination has to end. All it took was a fake snow day to get me back on track.
Hope everyone is staying warm out there. Love to you all.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
An RV for Valentine's Day
My husband bought me an RV for Valentine's Day and it was the sweetest gift he could have picked out. Okay, he actually bought it a few days after, but we spent that day together as a family picking one out. And I don't think I could have asked for a better day. I know, you're probably thinking that a man should get his wife flowers and candy (he did get me those too) or a trip away for the weekend or a night out on the town for the most romantic night of the year. And some of you are probably thinking that the timing couldn't be more off - I'm still fighting cancer and he's trying to get a business off the ground. We have plenty already on our plates. But bear with me and let me explain why this was truly the perfect gift.
For ten and a half years, my husband owned and operated a business that required him to work lots and lots and LOTS of hours. He would work a twelve hour day and still have paperwork to do in the evenings. Most Saturdays he also had to work, either doing maintenance on his equipment or making up for a rain day. As much as I knew he was doing this for Alex and me, it did lead to numerous fights. I often felt like a single Mom since most of our son's care fell on my shoulders. I also had a hard time making definite plans with friends (and if I did, it led to me cancelling A LOT) because if he had to work, I had to be home. I also felt like he was missing out on a lot of big family moments that couldn't be repeated. It all got harder when I was diagnosed because I had to juggle even more.
Of course, he had his own legitimate feelings. He is the main financial supporter of our household and was literally working himself to death. There were plenty of times that he would come home exhausted, I'd be a big fat nag, and he'd feel like I just didn't appreciate him. I know he also felt like he was missing out on things and me constantly pointing that out didn't help in the least.
So, we were at odds a lot over this issue until he recently sold his business. This has allowed him to be at home much more while he is getting his next venture off the ground. We've been able to have family dinners, spend Saturdays together, make plans with friends (and keep them) and generally become much more connected. We are now a family unit, where as before it seemed like we were going in separate directions all the time.
My in-laws have an RV or travel trailer or camper - not sure the official term, along with some good friends of ours. Hearing their travel stories got my husband interested in checking them out. I was NOT at all interested until he took Alex and I to visit one a couple weekends ago. And that's when I really got what all the fuss was about. They have power. And AC. And heat. Just like a traveling house. But what really convinced me was the big old smile on Alex's face while he ran around checking out every nook and cranny. Anything that was holding me back just went out the window in that moment.
This past Monday we narrowed it down to which one we wanted and went back to the trailer place. After all the negotiations were through and we were close to the number we wanted to be at, I asked my husband why he wanted to do this. And that's when he said the sweetest words he's ever told me. He said that being home more these last few months has made him realize how much more time he wants to spend with us. How he has enjoyed the quality family time and wants to have more. Que the swooning.
For many years I so badly wanted to renew our vows for our tenth anniversary. I planned it all in my head. I've talked about it before in this space. It's something we didn't do because my husband is not a big fan of public displays of affections. On our actual wedding day, his leg was shaking so badly that people were ready to catch him if he fell. But the other day at Burton's Camper in Calera, AL, it almost felt like we had something even more special than a vow renewal. It was a recommittment to our family. It was us both deciding that, yes, we love each other enough to travel together in a very small space. I mean, if that doesn't say true love, I don't know what does. And as much as I absolutely cherish and adore my anniversary tennis bracelet, I think this RV is even sweeter. Because it's about the three of us. Going to check out the world. Together.....Please pray for us. :-)
For ten and a half years, my husband owned and operated a business that required him to work lots and lots and LOTS of hours. He would work a twelve hour day and still have paperwork to do in the evenings. Most Saturdays he also had to work, either doing maintenance on his equipment or making up for a rain day. As much as I knew he was doing this for Alex and me, it did lead to numerous fights. I often felt like a single Mom since most of our son's care fell on my shoulders. I also had a hard time making definite plans with friends (and if I did, it led to me cancelling A LOT) because if he had to work, I had to be home. I also felt like he was missing out on a lot of big family moments that couldn't be repeated. It all got harder when I was diagnosed because I had to juggle even more.
Of course, he had his own legitimate feelings. He is the main financial supporter of our household and was literally working himself to death. There were plenty of times that he would come home exhausted, I'd be a big fat nag, and he'd feel like I just didn't appreciate him. I know he also felt like he was missing out on things and me constantly pointing that out didn't help in the least.
So, we were at odds a lot over this issue until he recently sold his business. This has allowed him to be at home much more while he is getting his next venture off the ground. We've been able to have family dinners, spend Saturdays together, make plans with friends (and keep them) and generally become much more connected. We are now a family unit, where as before it seemed like we were going in separate directions all the time.
My in-laws have an RV or travel trailer or camper - not sure the official term, along with some good friends of ours. Hearing their travel stories got my husband interested in checking them out. I was NOT at all interested until he took Alex and I to visit one a couple weekends ago. And that's when I really got what all the fuss was about. They have power. And AC. And heat. Just like a traveling house. But what really convinced me was the big old smile on Alex's face while he ran around checking out every nook and cranny. Anything that was holding me back just went out the window in that moment.
This past Monday we narrowed it down to which one we wanted and went back to the trailer place. After all the negotiations were through and we were close to the number we wanted to be at, I asked my husband why he wanted to do this. And that's when he said the sweetest words he's ever told me. He said that being home more these last few months has made him realize how much more time he wants to spend with us. How he has enjoyed the quality family time and wants to have more. Que the swooning.
For many years I so badly wanted to renew our vows for our tenth anniversary. I planned it all in my head. I've talked about it before in this space. It's something we didn't do because my husband is not a big fan of public displays of affections. On our actual wedding day, his leg was shaking so badly that people were ready to catch him if he fell. But the other day at Burton's Camper in Calera, AL, it almost felt like we had something even more special than a vow renewal. It was a recommittment to our family. It was us both deciding that, yes, we love each other enough to travel together in a very small space. I mean, if that doesn't say true love, I don't know what does. And as much as I absolutely cherish and adore my anniversary tennis bracelet, I think this RV is even sweeter. Because it's about the three of us. Going to check out the world. Together.....Please pray for us. :-)
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Drive thru/microwave/impatient society
When did we all get so impatient? Or is it just me? No matter how many times God has taught me that my life is in His hands and it is all in His timing, still I wonder. I wonder why I haven't heard back on a job I'm not even really sure I want. I wonder what I should be doing to increase my writing even though it was only a few weeks ago that God showed me it was my purpose. I wonder when we will hear news about a business my husband is working on, even though we decided we wouldn't make any decisions until after today. I wonder when (and sometimes if) God will completely erase my cancer.
I feel a small sense of pride that I didn't write "worry" instead of "wonder". Because that is a step in the right direction for me. But still, me wondering is closer to the worry end of the spectrum that I'd like it to be. It's like I've given each of the above scenarios up to God, but NOT completely. I've taken nine fingers off of each thing, but still have one finger touching the issue in case I should be doing something to "help" Him. Like, maybe I should reach out to the recruiter to check on my application. Or maybe I should contact the woman who said she'd possibly help me with my writing career. Or maybe I should be online looking for new/different/additional treatment options. Or maybe I should text my husband and ask him if he has any news.
But if I did any of those things, would I honestly change the outcome? The answer is obviously no, I KNOW that. No matter what I do, I do not have control over a promotion or my husband's business or my cancer, etc. So, if I know that, why can't I just sit back and let each scenario play out? It means I'm basically talking out both sides of my mouth. I say that I trust God implicitly with my life, but on the other hand, I feel like he needs JUST A LITTLE bit of help from me. Like, if I just give Him a hand, it will all come together quicker, better, easier. But it won't....I just get in His way.
This morning when I was driving into work, I started thinking about what I was going to give up for Lent. Last year I tried giving up Facebook and that was an utter failure. The year before was sweets and for those who know my love of chocolate, you will know it had the same outcome. So I started taking inventory of my life and what needed the most work. And I realized I didn't need to give up something, I needed to stop something. I needed to stop trying so hard to help God with my life.
Just at that moment, I heard something on the radio: "God's got this". And I knew that needed to be my mantra for the next 40 days. So simple, yet so complicated. So much easier said than done. But I decided it was short and sweet enough for me to repeat. To repeat when I find myself wondering or worrying about what the future holds. To repeat when I find myself trying to interfere or get in His way. To repeat when I am scared or afraid or nervous or anxious. To repeat when my mind is racing over the stupid minutiae of life.
So, if you see me muttering something and worry that I'm talking to myself, I probably am. I'm telling myself: "God's got this". Because He does. No matter how I may get in the way. And hopefully 40 days of repeating this will pound it into my thick skull.
What, if anything are you guys giving up? How about stopping something instead?
God bless each and everyone of you today. Remember: He's got this day in His hands.
I feel a small sense of pride that I didn't write "worry" instead of "wonder". Because that is a step in the right direction for me. But still, me wondering is closer to the worry end of the spectrum that I'd like it to be. It's like I've given each of the above scenarios up to God, but NOT completely. I've taken nine fingers off of each thing, but still have one finger touching the issue in case I should be doing something to "help" Him. Like, maybe I should reach out to the recruiter to check on my application. Or maybe I should contact the woman who said she'd possibly help me with my writing career. Or maybe I should be online looking for new/different/additional treatment options. Or maybe I should text my husband and ask him if he has any news.
But if I did any of those things, would I honestly change the outcome? The answer is obviously no, I KNOW that. No matter what I do, I do not have control over a promotion or my husband's business or my cancer, etc. So, if I know that, why can't I just sit back and let each scenario play out? It means I'm basically talking out both sides of my mouth. I say that I trust God implicitly with my life, but on the other hand, I feel like he needs JUST A LITTLE bit of help from me. Like, if I just give Him a hand, it will all come together quicker, better, easier. But it won't....I just get in His way.
This morning when I was driving into work, I started thinking about what I was going to give up for Lent. Last year I tried giving up Facebook and that was an utter failure. The year before was sweets and for those who know my love of chocolate, you will know it had the same outcome. So I started taking inventory of my life and what needed the most work. And I realized I didn't need to give up something, I needed to stop something. I needed to stop trying so hard to help God with my life.
Just at that moment, I heard something on the radio: "God's got this". And I knew that needed to be my mantra for the next 40 days. So simple, yet so complicated. So much easier said than done. But I decided it was short and sweet enough for me to repeat. To repeat when I find myself wondering or worrying about what the future holds. To repeat when I find myself trying to interfere or get in His way. To repeat when I am scared or afraid or nervous or anxious. To repeat when my mind is racing over the stupid minutiae of life.
So, if you see me muttering something and worry that I'm talking to myself, I probably am. I'm telling myself: "God's got this". Because He does. No matter how I may get in the way. And hopefully 40 days of repeating this will pound it into my thick skull.
What, if anything are you guys giving up? How about stopping something instead?
God bless each and everyone of you today. Remember: He's got this day in His hands.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Whose emotional baggage are you carrying around?
Yesterday I had a great conversation with my mother-in-law. We often have great talks, so I don't say that like it's a surprise. She is wonderful to me and we have a great relationship. But this was one of those REALLY great talks. Where you dive in deep to issues you've both been carrying around. Where you get to the nitty gritty of things and you both get to share what is TRULY going on in your head. Where you hang up the phone feeling much closer and realizing you have a wonderful bond.
One of the things that sticks out from this conversation is something she said to me. She told me that she was so happy that I'd finally shared with everyone about my curent fight with cancer. She was one of the few people that had known for almost a year that I was no longer in remission. She was sharing with me how she was glad that I had finally let everyone else in so they could support me and love me through it. We ventured into the reasons why I hadn't shared for so many months and this morning I was reviewing that in my head.
In a previous blog, I'd given you half a dozen reasons why I had kept it mostly a secret. I said that I didn't want to burden everyone, that I wanted to be able to be just me and not "sick me", that I didn't want to talk about it all the time and wanted to live a normal life, that I felt we had already asked so much of our family, friends and church and I didn't think it was right to keep asking for more.
But the truth of the matter is this: yes, those are some of the reasons, but not THE MAIN REASON. The truth is that I have been letting two people, yes TWO PEOPLE, determine what I am going to do, share, and talk about when it comes to my health. There were two individuals who doubted my "story" and didn't think it made sense that I didn't completely lose my hair and I never had a port, that I didn't lose a ton of weight, that I didn't lean on the nurse friends I had (even though I have about 13 nurses already) etc, etc. It was almost as if I had been called out as a liar. And I have been carrying that around with me ever since.
When we first found out about it, my husband and I didn't know who we could trust. So we pulled WAAAAY back from most everyone. And then slowly, very, very slowly, started adding people back in once we knew we could trust them. Once we knew they were not on the side of the individuals who had stated I didn't handle my cancer fight the "right way" (as if there is a right way). And as we added people back in, once we knew we could REALLY trust them, those are the individuals we shared about my health issues. But we just didn't feel like we could let it be widely known, because we felt like we would have to deal with the "doubting Thomases" again. It just seemed easier to keep it a closely held secret, easier on my sanity at least for awhile. Until it wasn't so easy. Keeping a secret of that magnitude for so many months is VERY hard and we realized it was draining us even more.
That is what led me to finally blog about it a couple weeks ago. And there was such a huge sense of relief to just get it out there. To not have to pretend why I was acting/looking/feeling sick. To not have to concoct stories as to why I couldn't attend certain functions or why I wasn't at church on certain Sundays. And the outpouring of love and support has been AMAZING. The people in our circle that truly care about us is off the charts.
And this was part of the conversation yesterday with my MIL. How people WANT to be there for us. How they WANT to help in anyway they can. She mentioned that it hurt her heart how I'd lost all those months of support. In my mind, I blamed it on those two individuals. Saying to myself: it's their fault that I had to keep this secret. But the truth is, it was mine. It was mine for giving them that much power over my own life, my own decisions. NO ONE can take that type of control without you giving it over to them. And that's exactly what I'd done. This past year I have still been carrying around all that hurt, anger, frustration, and despair over the things they said to me and behind my back. But who was the one losing by me doing that? Only me. It wasn't affecting them in the least. I had been carrying around THEIR emotional baggage for over a year and because of that, I lost out on love from the people that wanted to give it.
I hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't lied. I hadn't told any half truths. I hadn't mislead anyone. I had simply been fighting my battle with cancer the only way I knew how. Whether they agreed with how I handled it was on THEM, not me. Whether they disliked the decisions I made was THEIR problem, not mine. But I had let it be mine all this time. Even after I "let it out" about my cancer returning, it's been in the back of my mind, wondering what they are saying now. Wondering if they are spreading the same rumors, wondering if they are still saying it doesn't make sense. How RIDICULIOUS is that? Completely ridiculious! The ONLY people I need to be concerned about knowing my truth are: God, myself, my husband and my son. That's it. Period. And it's about time I started living my life that way.
So, today my challenge is this: are you carrying around anyone else's emotional baggage? Are you living your life to avoid upsetting someone else? Has something untrue been said about you and you are letting it affect how you live your life? I beg you today to let it all go. Drop that baggage and NEVER pick it up again. It will make a HUGE difference in your life. I know it will in mine.
Happy Friday and Valentine's Day. Hope you all have a fantastic weekend. God bless and love to you all.
One of the things that sticks out from this conversation is something she said to me. She told me that she was so happy that I'd finally shared with everyone about my curent fight with cancer. She was one of the few people that had known for almost a year that I was no longer in remission. She was sharing with me how she was glad that I had finally let everyone else in so they could support me and love me through it. We ventured into the reasons why I hadn't shared for so many months and this morning I was reviewing that in my head.
In a previous blog, I'd given you half a dozen reasons why I had kept it mostly a secret. I said that I didn't want to burden everyone, that I wanted to be able to be just me and not "sick me", that I didn't want to talk about it all the time and wanted to live a normal life, that I felt we had already asked so much of our family, friends and church and I didn't think it was right to keep asking for more.
But the truth of the matter is this: yes, those are some of the reasons, but not THE MAIN REASON. The truth is that I have been letting two people, yes TWO PEOPLE, determine what I am going to do, share, and talk about when it comes to my health. There were two individuals who doubted my "story" and didn't think it made sense that I didn't completely lose my hair and I never had a port, that I didn't lose a ton of weight, that I didn't lean on the nurse friends I had (even though I have about 13 nurses already) etc, etc. It was almost as if I had been called out as a liar. And I have been carrying that around with me ever since.
When we first found out about it, my husband and I didn't know who we could trust. So we pulled WAAAAY back from most everyone. And then slowly, very, very slowly, started adding people back in once we knew we could trust them. Once we knew they were not on the side of the individuals who had stated I didn't handle my cancer fight the "right way" (as if there is a right way). And as we added people back in, once we knew we could REALLY trust them, those are the individuals we shared about my health issues. But we just didn't feel like we could let it be widely known, because we felt like we would have to deal with the "doubting Thomases" again. It just seemed easier to keep it a closely held secret, easier on my sanity at least for awhile. Until it wasn't so easy. Keeping a secret of that magnitude for so many months is VERY hard and we realized it was draining us even more.
That is what led me to finally blog about it a couple weeks ago. And there was such a huge sense of relief to just get it out there. To not have to pretend why I was acting/looking/feeling sick. To not have to concoct stories as to why I couldn't attend certain functions or why I wasn't at church on certain Sundays. And the outpouring of love and support has been AMAZING. The people in our circle that truly care about us is off the charts.
And this was part of the conversation yesterday with my MIL. How people WANT to be there for us. How they WANT to help in anyway they can. She mentioned that it hurt her heart how I'd lost all those months of support. In my mind, I blamed it on those two individuals. Saying to myself: it's their fault that I had to keep this secret. But the truth is, it was mine. It was mine for giving them that much power over my own life, my own decisions. NO ONE can take that type of control without you giving it over to them. And that's exactly what I'd done. This past year I have still been carrying around all that hurt, anger, frustration, and despair over the things they said to me and behind my back. But who was the one losing by me doing that? Only me. It wasn't affecting them in the least. I had been carrying around THEIR emotional baggage for over a year and because of that, I lost out on love from the people that wanted to give it.
I hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't lied. I hadn't told any half truths. I hadn't mislead anyone. I had simply been fighting my battle with cancer the only way I knew how. Whether they agreed with how I handled it was on THEM, not me. Whether they disliked the decisions I made was THEIR problem, not mine. But I had let it be mine all this time. Even after I "let it out" about my cancer returning, it's been in the back of my mind, wondering what they are saying now. Wondering if they are spreading the same rumors, wondering if they are still saying it doesn't make sense. How RIDICULIOUS is that? Completely ridiculious! The ONLY people I need to be concerned about knowing my truth are: God, myself, my husband and my son. That's it. Period. And it's about time I started living my life that way.
So, today my challenge is this: are you carrying around anyone else's emotional baggage? Are you living your life to avoid upsetting someone else? Has something untrue been said about you and you are letting it affect how you live your life? I beg you today to let it all go. Drop that baggage and NEVER pick it up again. It will make a HUGE difference in your life. I know it will in mine.
Happy Friday and Valentine's Day. Hope you all have a fantastic weekend. God bless and love to you all.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Cancer just SOOOOOO gets in the way
Today started out like any other normal day. One that probably mimics that of millions of other moms. Our house has been fighting the crud so all three of us woke up from a not-that-great night's sleep. My first stop was to mix up my energy drink, Matt's was to flip on Sports Center and Alex's was to grab his phone. After I got the boys out the door, I flipped on my computer since I was working from home. For the first few hours, I went back and forth between work and laundy - one of the main perks of working from the house. Second only to taking conference calls in my yoga pants. :-)
Later on I decided to run over to our local women's boutique to look for an Easter dress because I had a coupon and I LOVE my coupons. Also, I normally wait to the last second and don't end up with anything that great. I then ran some other errands, talked to a couple girlfriends and then picked up little man from the bus. I guess they were learning about Abraham Lincoln today, because first words out of his mouth were: "Ab Lincoln died". Like it happened today. Got him home and settled with his afternoon cookie and milk. While he was eating, I made his bed with the clean sheets and started on dinner.
I'd been short of breath all day, but that's nothing new. I fight it with my inhaler and other meds, but it's one of those things I deal with pretty much every day. I didn't realize today was any worse until I walked out of the kitchen to answer a question from Alex and bamm, fainted. Totally out. Well, I guess not totally because I could hear Alex asking if I was okay, but I just couldn't get my breath together to answer him. The funny thing is I could tell he was completely calm, but in my head I was a panicky mess. I kept telling myself to get it together and answer him but my brain and my lungs weren't cooperating. Finally I was able to draw in a deep breath and tell him I was fine. He was content with that and went back to playing his game on the iPad.
I stayed on the ground for a few more minutes until I felt well enough to get up. And once I felt a bit more normal (what is normal anyway?) I started to get pissed off. Today had been such a good day! I'd been so accomplished! I'd even gotten Alex a little Valentine's Day basket, I'd found cute birthday presents for our friend's daughters, I'd even gotten the car washed, which I knew would make my hubby so happy. I'd checked so many things off my list. Those are what I call my "good days". Days when I handle all the things that are floating around in my head. Days when I get to be just a regular old working Mom and wife.
But after these fainting episodes, I start questioning all the things I should/shouldn't do. Tomorrow we are supposed to drive about an hour and a half from home for the birthday party. Will I be okay to go? Will it happen again? But I WANT to go! I want to see my friend and her girls. I want Alex to have fun with his friends. I just want to be NORMAL, do normal things like everyone else. It's something we've had on the calendar for a month and I want TO GO! Yes, it does make me feel better to put things in caps - eases my frustration a bit. Some people use a punching bag, I use all caps and exclamation points.
And then when I get frustrated over things I might not be able to do, the tears start to come. Tears of frustration and annoyance and loss of independence and how much this *&%^$^ disease is controlling my life. The tears are completely counter productive but they help to just get it all out. And those tears bring me back to reality.
My reality is I have breast cancer that has metastasized to my lung. That's my norm. That's my life. Good, bad or indifferent. I can't change the cards I'm dealt, only handle them the best I can. So, instead of worrying about tomorrow and what I might be able to do or not do, I sit here and I write. And even more than the tears, it helps me feel a bit better. I don't write for your sympathy, I write to get it all out of my head. Because I can't live with cancer in my head AND in my lung. I can only handle it in one place.
Thank you for giving me this forum to actually get it out of my head. Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. And most of all, thank you for loving me: crazy ramblings, cancer and all. Love to you all and God bless.
Later on I decided to run over to our local women's boutique to look for an Easter dress because I had a coupon and I LOVE my coupons. Also, I normally wait to the last second and don't end up with anything that great. I then ran some other errands, talked to a couple girlfriends and then picked up little man from the bus. I guess they were learning about Abraham Lincoln today, because first words out of his mouth were: "Ab Lincoln died". Like it happened today. Got him home and settled with his afternoon cookie and milk. While he was eating, I made his bed with the clean sheets and started on dinner.
I'd been short of breath all day, but that's nothing new. I fight it with my inhaler and other meds, but it's one of those things I deal with pretty much every day. I didn't realize today was any worse until I walked out of the kitchen to answer a question from Alex and bamm, fainted. Totally out. Well, I guess not totally because I could hear Alex asking if I was okay, but I just couldn't get my breath together to answer him. The funny thing is I could tell he was completely calm, but in my head I was a panicky mess. I kept telling myself to get it together and answer him but my brain and my lungs weren't cooperating. Finally I was able to draw in a deep breath and tell him I was fine. He was content with that and went back to playing his game on the iPad.
I stayed on the ground for a few more minutes until I felt well enough to get up. And once I felt a bit more normal (what is normal anyway?) I started to get pissed off. Today had been such a good day! I'd been so accomplished! I'd even gotten Alex a little Valentine's Day basket, I'd found cute birthday presents for our friend's daughters, I'd even gotten the car washed, which I knew would make my hubby so happy. I'd checked so many things off my list. Those are what I call my "good days". Days when I handle all the things that are floating around in my head. Days when I get to be just a regular old working Mom and wife.
But after these fainting episodes, I start questioning all the things I should/shouldn't do. Tomorrow we are supposed to drive about an hour and a half from home for the birthday party. Will I be okay to go? Will it happen again? But I WANT to go! I want to see my friend and her girls. I want Alex to have fun with his friends. I just want to be NORMAL, do normal things like everyone else. It's something we've had on the calendar for a month and I want TO GO! Yes, it does make me feel better to put things in caps - eases my frustration a bit. Some people use a punching bag, I use all caps and exclamation points.
And then when I get frustrated over things I might not be able to do, the tears start to come. Tears of frustration and annoyance and loss of independence and how much this *&%^$^ disease is controlling my life. The tears are completely counter productive but they help to just get it all out. And those tears bring me back to reality.
My reality is I have breast cancer that has metastasized to my lung. That's my norm. That's my life. Good, bad or indifferent. I can't change the cards I'm dealt, only handle them the best I can. So, instead of worrying about tomorrow and what I might be able to do or not do, I sit here and I write. And even more than the tears, it helps me feel a bit better. I don't write for your sympathy, I write to get it all out of my head. Because I can't live with cancer in my head AND in my lung. I can only handle it in one place.
Thank you for giving me this forum to actually get it out of my head. Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. And most of all, thank you for loving me: crazy ramblings, cancer and all. Love to you all and God bless.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
"Good job" and "thank you" are more than just words
Recently someone that I used to support at work changed positions. She wasn't someone I was paid to support, but I had a lot of respect for her, we had become good friends and I thought it was a good career move. She has been with our company for over fifteen years, she knows EVERYONE and I thought if she liked the work that I did, she would maybe share it with a couple people. Which she did - a lot. She is the type of person who will gladly give you credit when you do a good job on a project. So, when I found out she was moving to a different division, I was sad personally and professionally. I thought this meant we wouldn't get to chat as much and I wouldn't get to keep assisting her and getting my name out. As I re-read those words, they seem a bit cold, like I was using our friendship to get ahead. But it really wasn't like that. I work for a large company and you have to take every opportunity you can for people to recognize what you're capable of.
As her last day came and went, my friend mentioned that I should apply for her old position. I just didn't think I had the capability to fill her shoes, so I didn't give it much more thought. Someone else suggested it about a month ago and I mulled it over but then I learned you had to live in Minnesota, and there was no chance of this Alabama girl moving there. Then last week, during my review, my boss and I were discussing how I'd been in my position for 5 1/2 years and I was feeling a bit bored. He said "why don't you apply for Sandy's old position?" I told him about it being in Minnesota and he said he could ask if that could be changed, but I decided not to have him pursue it.
Then this morning, just as I turned on my computer, I received an instant message from Sandy. She said, "hey, you've been on my mind all night and I really think you need to apply for that position." As you have all probably learned by now, I had several objections in my head. "But the person has to be in Minnesota". She told me that decision was made by only one person and could be changed. I told her the job was too many pay grades above me and she said that could be worked out. I told her that I didn't think I could do all she had done and this was her response: "If your current boss thinks you can do it and the person who used to do the work says you can, why don't YOU think you can?" I told her that I wasn't sure I was up for such a big career move, that I thought my end goal was to eventually stay at home and not work. To which she replied: "But I thought you were bored doing what you're doing?"
Well, she had me there. I am bored. I really can't say I like going to work. I've been doing it for so long now that I feel like I can do it in my sleep. Just don't tell my boss that....And that's partly why I've gotten so excited about writing. I thought it meant that my job would just be my job (no matter how lackluster and how I wished I didn't have to go) and I'd get my true fulfillment from doing this. So, I'd given up on the idea of moving up at work because I was just holding out for the day I didn't have to go, even if that was years from now. Maybe not the best attitude to have, but I couldn't imagine a role opening up that I could move into. Until today.
It was interesting timing because my husband and I were talking about some other things last night that we were giving up to God, one of them being two new business ventures he's trying to decide between. Depending on which one God leads us towards, I definitely wouldn't be able to take the new job anyway. With the hours he'd have to work, it would be impossible for me to take on added responsibility at my job. He'd be working 70+ hours a week the first year and I would need to be the main caregiver for our son. But if God points us in the other direction, there would be a little more latitude. So, I figured, if we are giving that part of our lives up to God, why not this as well. I could apply for the job and leave it in His hands. If He wants me to have it, great. If He doesn't, well, then I'm not out anything. But if I DIDN'T apply then I could have been getting in His way. I mean, God is ultimately in control, but He expects us to do some of the work ourselves.
So, application sent and I decided to fill in my boss. He was perfectly fine with it and said he would help in any way he could. Filled in Sandy and she was super excited. Told the people that I'd used for references and repeat the excitement. And guess what happened next? I started to get a bit excited myself. I mean, who doesn't like to hear others say they'd be great at something? Who doesn't like to have their ego stroked just a bit? Do I ultimately think the upper echelon will see it our way? Nope? But did that matter today? Nope.
Today was about knowing that others thought I could handle it, that I offered value, that they found me deserving and were in my corner to help however they could. And even though we shouldn't need that external affirmation, truth is we do. I KNOW it's not just me. Yeah, yeah, I could be writing a blog where I say: I SHOULDN'T have needed to hear that. I SHOULD have known it myself. I SHOULD have applied without the others pushing me.
But I'm trying to get away from the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". Truth is, we're humans and we care about what other people think. We need to hear a "good job" every once in awhile. We need to feel like the team needs us and wouldn't be the same without us. Even if the other job doesn't come through, I feel better today about the one I have. Tomorrow I don't think I'll be dreading heading that way as much. Because I learned that "they like me, they really like me". Just kidding - I couldn't resist on that one. No, seriously though, I learned that I am an asset to the team and that means a lot. Now I just might try a bit harder and who knows, that might catch someone else's eye and another opportunity might come up.
But in the mean time, I walked away with this question: how often do I tell someone "good job"? How often do I let someone know that I appreciate them or I like what they've done or say thank you? I try to do it when I think about it, but I'm sure I could do it more. And knowing how much it meant to me, I am going to do it more. Because I'd like others to have the same feeling I had today.
Is there someone you can say "good job" to or "thank you" or let them know how much you appreciate them? Just imagine if we all told one person tomorrow? Just a thought....
Hope everyone has a great night! God bless and love to you all.
As her last day came and went, my friend mentioned that I should apply for her old position. I just didn't think I had the capability to fill her shoes, so I didn't give it much more thought. Someone else suggested it about a month ago and I mulled it over but then I learned you had to live in Minnesota, and there was no chance of this Alabama girl moving there. Then last week, during my review, my boss and I were discussing how I'd been in my position for 5 1/2 years and I was feeling a bit bored. He said "why don't you apply for Sandy's old position?" I told him about it being in Minnesota and he said he could ask if that could be changed, but I decided not to have him pursue it.
Then this morning, just as I turned on my computer, I received an instant message from Sandy. She said, "hey, you've been on my mind all night and I really think you need to apply for that position." As you have all probably learned by now, I had several objections in my head. "But the person has to be in Minnesota". She told me that decision was made by only one person and could be changed. I told her the job was too many pay grades above me and she said that could be worked out. I told her that I didn't think I could do all she had done and this was her response: "If your current boss thinks you can do it and the person who used to do the work says you can, why don't YOU think you can?" I told her that I wasn't sure I was up for such a big career move, that I thought my end goal was to eventually stay at home and not work. To which she replied: "But I thought you were bored doing what you're doing?"
Well, she had me there. I am bored. I really can't say I like going to work. I've been doing it for so long now that I feel like I can do it in my sleep. Just don't tell my boss that....And that's partly why I've gotten so excited about writing. I thought it meant that my job would just be my job (no matter how lackluster and how I wished I didn't have to go) and I'd get my true fulfillment from doing this. So, I'd given up on the idea of moving up at work because I was just holding out for the day I didn't have to go, even if that was years from now. Maybe not the best attitude to have, but I couldn't imagine a role opening up that I could move into. Until today.
It was interesting timing because my husband and I were talking about some other things last night that we were giving up to God, one of them being two new business ventures he's trying to decide between. Depending on which one God leads us towards, I definitely wouldn't be able to take the new job anyway. With the hours he'd have to work, it would be impossible for me to take on added responsibility at my job. He'd be working 70+ hours a week the first year and I would need to be the main caregiver for our son. But if God points us in the other direction, there would be a little more latitude. So, I figured, if we are giving that part of our lives up to God, why not this as well. I could apply for the job and leave it in His hands. If He wants me to have it, great. If He doesn't, well, then I'm not out anything. But if I DIDN'T apply then I could have been getting in His way. I mean, God is ultimately in control, but He expects us to do some of the work ourselves.
So, application sent and I decided to fill in my boss. He was perfectly fine with it and said he would help in any way he could. Filled in Sandy and she was super excited. Told the people that I'd used for references and repeat the excitement. And guess what happened next? I started to get a bit excited myself. I mean, who doesn't like to hear others say they'd be great at something? Who doesn't like to have their ego stroked just a bit? Do I ultimately think the upper echelon will see it our way? Nope? But did that matter today? Nope.
Today was about knowing that others thought I could handle it, that I offered value, that they found me deserving and were in my corner to help however they could. And even though we shouldn't need that external affirmation, truth is we do. I KNOW it's not just me. Yeah, yeah, I could be writing a blog where I say: I SHOULDN'T have needed to hear that. I SHOULD have known it myself. I SHOULD have applied without the others pushing me.
But I'm trying to get away from the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". Truth is, we're humans and we care about what other people think. We need to hear a "good job" every once in awhile. We need to feel like the team needs us and wouldn't be the same without us. Even if the other job doesn't come through, I feel better today about the one I have. Tomorrow I don't think I'll be dreading heading that way as much. Because I learned that "they like me, they really like me". Just kidding - I couldn't resist on that one. No, seriously though, I learned that I am an asset to the team and that means a lot. Now I just might try a bit harder and who knows, that might catch someone else's eye and another opportunity might come up.
But in the mean time, I walked away with this question: how often do I tell someone "good job"? How often do I let someone know that I appreciate them or I like what they've done or say thank you? I try to do it when I think about it, but I'm sure I could do it more. And knowing how much it meant to me, I am going to do it more. Because I'd like others to have the same feeling I had today.
Is there someone you can say "good job" to or "thank you" or let them know how much you appreciate them? Just imagine if we all told one person tomorrow? Just a thought....
Hope everyone has a great night! God bless and love to you all.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Grieving the loss of something you never had
It was several years ago, when my husband and I were trying so hard to have our son. I was having lunch with a friend who also had dealt with infertility. Big difference is she had gone on to have a child, while I was still trying and trying and getting nowhere. And being told it probably wouldn't happen. And doing my best not to give up hope and/or turn bitter. She was my "go-to" on all things fertility related because she had "been there done that". Until that day at afternoon over chicken salad. That day it was her turn to vent about how much she desperately wished she could have another child. How it was a physical pain that she couldn't get to go away. How it was all she could think about and, no, adoption wouldn't do. I remember sitting across from her thinking, "but you have one. You should feel lucky. How can you be so upset when you have the one thing I want?"
Of course I said none of this to her. But I could feel the shift in myself immediately. I went home and told the whole story to my husband. About how ungrateful I thought she was. And didn't she realize how blessed she was? Of course he agreed with me. I mean, I was hormonal and teetering on the edge of a complete come apart - wouldn't you agree with me as well? Who knows if he really agreed or was just pacificing me. Who knows if he was actually thinking: "you are being so judgmental." Because I was. 1000%, completely judgmental. I thought she was completely wrong in her feelings. And it wasn't until last night that I realized how wrong I was. Because I finally gave into the same feelings.
When my husband and I were going through fertility treatments, we both agreed that we would stop trying when I turned 35. By the grace of God, I found out I was pregnant with Alex a week before that birthday. There never was any discussion of having a second, at least not before he was born. We were just so ecstatic to have our miracle baby. Soon after his birth, there was some discussion about how it was too late for another one, our finances could only handle one at that time, we'd have to try right away for another and we were so blessed with the one we had. I was completely on board with that decision.
Alex was born with some health issues so I knew trying right away wasn't an option. He stayed sick most of the time until he was just past three. Then it was almost the "honeymoon phase". We got to enjoy our son without tons of doctor appointments, sleepless nights, etc. It was the three of us and I was thrilled to just be a mom and have fun with our silly boy. It wasn't until he turned four that I started missing the idea of having a second child. I'm sure it was because he was going from a toddler to little boy. But I remember the night before his birthday being very sad that there wouldn't be another baby in the house anymore.
I told myself again how blessed we were. That he was our miracle baby. That I'd had surgery making it virtually impossible to carry another child. I told myself to get over it. And I pretty much did. Until Alex turned about five and started praying for a brother or sister. We had shared with him the story of him being a miracle, so no matter how many times I told him it wasn't possible, he said God could give us another miracle. And even though it hurt my heart a tiny bit each time he prayed, I told myself to get over it.
As Alex got closer to six, there were many conversations between friends about the differences between only children and those with siblings. And I would feel sad that Alex didn't have a best buddy at home. But I told myself to get over it. We are blessed. Alex is more than enough for us to handle (although I love him dearly) and two just wasn't in the cards. I kept telling myself that feeling sad that I didn't have two was like looking a gift horse in the mouth. God had answered our prayers, given us Alex, so we should be content with him and not long for more.
And I just kept telling myself all of that over and over. Until last night. It was a random conversation with Alex. He was mentioning how he wished he had a brother or sister to love like our friends did. And it hit me a lot harder than it had before. Because I also wanted that for him. And that's when I remembered my lunch with that old friend, where I had judged her for the same feelings. I realized that she had wanted another child for herself but also another child for her son to grow up with. And it hadn't made her selfish or wrong to have those feelings. And it took me having the sames ones to understand that.
Then something else hit me - telling yourself to "get over it" doesn't make those feelings just go away. It just stuffs them into another place that you don't pay attention to, that you ignore, that doesn't see the light of day. To TRULY get past something, you have to admit to yourself the desire you have and then grieve the losss of that desire.
Today I admit that I wished we'd been able to have another child. I wish it for myself and I wish it for Alex. I wish that I could have had a baby that wasn't born sick so I could have truly enjoyed those first years a bit more. I wish I could see Alex playing with a brother or sister and see how they would interact. I wish I could give Alex what he prays for so often. I wish I could see how his personality would have handled having a sibling - would he have been jealous or would he have embraced having another baby in the house? I wish I could hear the pitter patter of four feet instead of two.
I used to think that if I admitted these things out loud, that it took away from how much I love Alex and how INCREDIBLY grateful I am for him. I KNOW we are blessed. I KNOW that there are women out there who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I am sure of this, because I was one of them. If I was reading this blog when I still didn't have a child, I would be telling the writer: you just dont' realize how blessed you are. But I DO know. But I now am giving myself permission to have the other emotions. I realize as I write this that the two things aren't mutually exclusive. I don't have to apologize for wishing I could have had more Alexs.
So, now that I have admitted the desire, I can get on to the grieving part. Because the truth is, there won't be any more Alexs. It is physically impossible now. The choice isn't even ours to make. And seeing that in black and white is a bit hard to take. Because I want it to be different. But it's our truth. And sometimes acknowledging that truth makes it easier to move on.
I don't have any answers for how to handle the grieving process over something you never had. But writing this today is a start. Just finally getting it "out there" is already a bit healing. And maybe tonight I'll spend just a few extra minutes tucking in the boy I do have.
Do you have any hidden feelings that you've been afraid to admit, even to yourself? Do you think those feelings will make you selfish or a bad person? Please know that your feelings aren't wrong. You are entitled to each and every one of them. Try today admitting something to yourself that you've been afraid to let out into the light. And if you can handle that, maybe share it with a friend who won't judge you. If you don't think your friends would understand, please pray about it. Because God already knows each thought anyway. Nothing you say will surprise Him.
Have a fantastic weekend. Love to you all.
Of course I said none of this to her. But I could feel the shift in myself immediately. I went home and told the whole story to my husband. About how ungrateful I thought she was. And didn't she realize how blessed she was? Of course he agreed with me. I mean, I was hormonal and teetering on the edge of a complete come apart - wouldn't you agree with me as well? Who knows if he really agreed or was just pacificing me. Who knows if he was actually thinking: "you are being so judgmental." Because I was. 1000%, completely judgmental. I thought she was completely wrong in her feelings. And it wasn't until last night that I realized how wrong I was. Because I finally gave into the same feelings.
When my husband and I were going through fertility treatments, we both agreed that we would stop trying when I turned 35. By the grace of God, I found out I was pregnant with Alex a week before that birthday. There never was any discussion of having a second, at least not before he was born. We were just so ecstatic to have our miracle baby. Soon after his birth, there was some discussion about how it was too late for another one, our finances could only handle one at that time, we'd have to try right away for another and we were so blessed with the one we had. I was completely on board with that decision.
Alex was born with some health issues so I knew trying right away wasn't an option. He stayed sick most of the time until he was just past three. Then it was almost the "honeymoon phase". We got to enjoy our son without tons of doctor appointments, sleepless nights, etc. It was the three of us and I was thrilled to just be a mom and have fun with our silly boy. It wasn't until he turned four that I started missing the idea of having a second child. I'm sure it was because he was going from a toddler to little boy. But I remember the night before his birthday being very sad that there wouldn't be another baby in the house anymore.
I told myself again how blessed we were. That he was our miracle baby. That I'd had surgery making it virtually impossible to carry another child. I told myself to get over it. And I pretty much did. Until Alex turned about five and started praying for a brother or sister. We had shared with him the story of him being a miracle, so no matter how many times I told him it wasn't possible, he said God could give us another miracle. And even though it hurt my heart a tiny bit each time he prayed, I told myself to get over it.
As Alex got closer to six, there were many conversations between friends about the differences between only children and those with siblings. And I would feel sad that Alex didn't have a best buddy at home. But I told myself to get over it. We are blessed. Alex is more than enough for us to handle (although I love him dearly) and two just wasn't in the cards. I kept telling myself that feeling sad that I didn't have two was like looking a gift horse in the mouth. God had answered our prayers, given us Alex, so we should be content with him and not long for more.
And I just kept telling myself all of that over and over. Until last night. It was a random conversation with Alex. He was mentioning how he wished he had a brother or sister to love like our friends did. And it hit me a lot harder than it had before. Because I also wanted that for him. And that's when I remembered my lunch with that old friend, where I had judged her for the same feelings. I realized that she had wanted another child for herself but also another child for her son to grow up with. And it hadn't made her selfish or wrong to have those feelings. And it took me having the sames ones to understand that.
Then something else hit me - telling yourself to "get over it" doesn't make those feelings just go away. It just stuffs them into another place that you don't pay attention to, that you ignore, that doesn't see the light of day. To TRULY get past something, you have to admit to yourself the desire you have and then grieve the losss of that desire.
Today I admit that I wished we'd been able to have another child. I wish it for myself and I wish it for Alex. I wish that I could have had a baby that wasn't born sick so I could have truly enjoyed those first years a bit more. I wish I could see Alex playing with a brother or sister and see how they would interact. I wish I could give Alex what he prays for so often. I wish I could see how his personality would have handled having a sibling - would he have been jealous or would he have embraced having another baby in the house? I wish I could hear the pitter patter of four feet instead of two.
I used to think that if I admitted these things out loud, that it took away from how much I love Alex and how INCREDIBLY grateful I am for him. I KNOW we are blessed. I KNOW that there are women out there who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I am sure of this, because I was one of them. If I was reading this blog when I still didn't have a child, I would be telling the writer: you just dont' realize how blessed you are. But I DO know. But I now am giving myself permission to have the other emotions. I realize as I write this that the two things aren't mutually exclusive. I don't have to apologize for wishing I could have had more Alexs.
So, now that I have admitted the desire, I can get on to the grieving part. Because the truth is, there won't be any more Alexs. It is physically impossible now. The choice isn't even ours to make. And seeing that in black and white is a bit hard to take. Because I want it to be different. But it's our truth. And sometimes acknowledging that truth makes it easier to move on.
I don't have any answers for how to handle the grieving process over something you never had. But writing this today is a start. Just finally getting it "out there" is already a bit healing. And maybe tonight I'll spend just a few extra minutes tucking in the boy I do have.
Do you have any hidden feelings that you've been afraid to admit, even to yourself? Do you think those feelings will make you selfish or a bad person? Please know that your feelings aren't wrong. You are entitled to each and every one of them. Try today admitting something to yourself that you've been afraid to let out into the light. And if you can handle that, maybe share it with a friend who won't judge you. If you don't think your friends would understand, please pray about it. Because God already knows each thought anyway. Nothing you say will surprise Him.
Have a fantastic weekend. Love to you all.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
When God has a plan, it's best just to get out of His way...
Wow, what a couple of days it has been! It all started with one of my best friends writing a list of the things she thinks make me awesome (her check is in the mail) and it snowballed from there. The blog I wrote about that list got shared by a friend, then a newscaster in upstate NY read it and sent me a comment. Another friend shared it and it caught the attention of a local celebrity who is in publishing. She told me if I could get my page "likes" up to at least 200 she would consider helping me with my writing career. Holy cow! That's when I went to my Facebook friends and asked for their help. And help they did! Yesterday morning I was 114 page likes and now I'm at 210. For anyone who has tried to build up a Facebook page, that is a HUGE deal for one day. To say I am thankful to my awesome friends is putting it mildly.
I woke up this morning, saw the number 200 and got ecstatic. I couldn't believe that many people believed in me and wanted to read my crazy ramblings. And then guess what happened? I got SO nervous. Before it was mostly close friends that read my blog and now there are all these people that don't know me. Yikes! What if they decide they don't like my writing after all? What if I have nothing else to say? What if they think I'm silly or boring or whiny or just plain blah? Yep, there's a certain friend nodding her head as she reads this, knowing how I can worry about everything. She told me I can worry about worrying. And she is right. And it's her words that got me to stop the worrying.
I had to settle down and remind myself where this started just a couple weeks ago. With me LONGING to know what God's purpose was for me. It was an all consuming thought - what does He want me to be doing? What does He want me to want? Then came the answer from my hubby: to be a writer. Of course I had all kind of doubts and yes, worries, about how I could make that happen. But instead of dwelling on all those fears and anxieties, I just started writing. I didn't have a set plan for where it was going and what would happen, and for once that set me free. I stopped worrying about what people would think and if what I had to say was important and worth putting on paper. Once I realized that this was what God had planned for me, I could allow myself to think "I'm good at this" without feeling guilty. It was no longer about ME wanting to write, but about HIM wanting me to write.
And the words kept coming. And so did the messages of praise from friends and family. One friend told me that she could sense a change in my writing, that she could sense that freedom I felt. A few others told me to please not stop because my raw openness was touching them. Another shared that she felt closer to me after reading my blog. I share these things, not because I'm bragging, but to show how AMAZING things get when you get out of God's way. I know that it is God using me to get His message out. I know it is God using me to touch other's hearts. I know God was working through me to reach this woman who commented: "Thank you...going through this life with like minded women makes our struggles, our fears, our grief somehow easier to bear."
That last comment is WHY I do this. It's why I share all my crazy, sometimes silly, stories. It isn't that I think there is anything incredibly special about me. I write just in case there is someone out there who has gone through or is going through something similar. Of course I write for myself, it's very cathartic for me, but I also write because I just don't think I'm the only one who has these experiences. And now I write because it's God's plan for me.
So, today I issue another challenge. Please try and figure out what God's purpose is for your life. Pray about it, ask friends and family, spend time thinking about the ONE THING that you love to do most. And your purpose doesn't have to be the thing that makes you money or supports your family. That's where I kept getting stuck before. When I thought about being a writer, I never thought it was my main purpose because I didn't think I could make it a career. But now I understand that a purpose is the thing that makes you feel complete, makes you feel happy, makes you feel like you are contributing to society and helping others. It's that thing you secretly wish you were doing right now. Don't be afraid to say it out loud once you figure it out. And once you realize it, don't be afraid to ask for help. I wouldn't be sitting where I am today if I hadn't gone to my friends and asked for their assistance. And you know what will probably surprise you the most? How excited those friends are to help! True friends who care about you and love you WANT to support you. They are often just waiting for you to ask.
To all the new people here today, thank you for joining me on this crazy journey. I hope you stick around and share your thoughts and comments with me. I'd love to hear from you what your purpose is. Do you already know what God's plan is for you or are you still searching? If you are still unsure, I'd love to pray for you/with you in order to help you get there.
I hope you all have a fantastic day. God bless you all.
I woke up this morning, saw the number 200 and got ecstatic. I couldn't believe that many people believed in me and wanted to read my crazy ramblings. And then guess what happened? I got SO nervous. Before it was mostly close friends that read my blog and now there are all these people that don't know me. Yikes! What if they decide they don't like my writing after all? What if I have nothing else to say? What if they think I'm silly or boring or whiny or just plain blah? Yep, there's a certain friend nodding her head as she reads this, knowing how I can worry about everything. She told me I can worry about worrying. And she is right. And it's her words that got me to stop the worrying.
I had to settle down and remind myself where this started just a couple weeks ago. With me LONGING to know what God's purpose was for me. It was an all consuming thought - what does He want me to be doing? What does He want me to want? Then came the answer from my hubby: to be a writer. Of course I had all kind of doubts and yes, worries, about how I could make that happen. But instead of dwelling on all those fears and anxieties, I just started writing. I didn't have a set plan for where it was going and what would happen, and for once that set me free. I stopped worrying about what people would think and if what I had to say was important and worth putting on paper. Once I realized that this was what God had planned for me, I could allow myself to think "I'm good at this" without feeling guilty. It was no longer about ME wanting to write, but about HIM wanting me to write.
And the words kept coming. And so did the messages of praise from friends and family. One friend told me that she could sense a change in my writing, that she could sense that freedom I felt. A few others told me to please not stop because my raw openness was touching them. Another shared that she felt closer to me after reading my blog. I share these things, not because I'm bragging, but to show how AMAZING things get when you get out of God's way. I know that it is God using me to get His message out. I know it is God using me to touch other's hearts. I know God was working through me to reach this woman who commented: "Thank you...going through this life with like minded women makes our struggles, our fears, our grief somehow easier to bear."
That last comment is WHY I do this. It's why I share all my crazy, sometimes silly, stories. It isn't that I think there is anything incredibly special about me. I write just in case there is someone out there who has gone through or is going through something similar. Of course I write for myself, it's very cathartic for me, but I also write because I just don't think I'm the only one who has these experiences. And now I write because it's God's plan for me.
So, today I issue another challenge. Please try and figure out what God's purpose is for your life. Pray about it, ask friends and family, spend time thinking about the ONE THING that you love to do most. And your purpose doesn't have to be the thing that makes you money or supports your family. That's where I kept getting stuck before. When I thought about being a writer, I never thought it was my main purpose because I didn't think I could make it a career. But now I understand that a purpose is the thing that makes you feel complete, makes you feel happy, makes you feel like you are contributing to society and helping others. It's that thing you secretly wish you were doing right now. Don't be afraid to say it out loud once you figure it out. And once you realize it, don't be afraid to ask for help. I wouldn't be sitting where I am today if I hadn't gone to my friends and asked for their assistance. And you know what will probably surprise you the most? How excited those friends are to help! True friends who care about you and love you WANT to support you. They are often just waiting for you to ask.
To all the new people here today, thank you for joining me on this crazy journey. I hope you stick around and share your thoughts and comments with me. I'd love to hear from you what your purpose is. Do you already know what God's plan is for you or are you still searching? If you are still unsure, I'd love to pray for you/with you in order to help you get there.
I hope you all have a fantastic day. God bless you all.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
What are your top eight things?
Yesterday I was emailing back and forth with a dear friend and she had some interesting questions for me. She told me how much she liked reading my blog and how it made her feel closer to me, but she wondered why I always write about things I need to change about myself. One of her questions was: "what about the things you are already awesome at". Of course I was stumped. I mean, who writes about how great they are? That would be bragging, wouldn't it? I wrote back that I would have to think about it, that I couldn't name things off the top of my head.
Do you know what she did next? She wrote me back the "top 8 things about Vicki". How totally off the charts incredible is that? What an amazing friend I have! It wasn't just that she took the time to do it, but each one of them required a lot of thought. They weren't simply: I like your red hair or I like the clothes you wear. They showed how she TRULY knows me, like really, really knows me. And not only that, she truly GETS me. I have never in my 41 years have someone write a list like that. Just re-reading it again this morning, I can feel the tears coming back.
So, this morning it hit me? Which of us could write a list of our "top 8 things"? Or even five for that matter? I know before I got that email yesterday, I probably couldn't have done it. But now that I have it in writing, I can see that I'm pretty darn cool. :-)
Or better yet, what if you picked a friend today and wrote them the 5 or 8 or 10 things you really like about him/her? Can you imagine how it would lift their spirits? Can you imagine the smile they would have? The sense of value and self worth and just pure love?
Today I challenge each of you that read this to please do just that. If you can't write the things you love most about yourself, reach out to a friend or family member and let them know what you admire about them. Doesn't matter if it is by text, phone, email, skype, snail mail....just do it. I absolutely PROMISE it will change that person's day and probably week. I know it did for me.
One other thing I challenge you with is this: treasure your friendships. I mean, the REAL friendships. Make sure you are spending your time and energy on the people that lift you up, that love you for who you are, that will challenge you (but in a good way) and make your world a better place. Recently I had made the decision that I was going to spend my time with the people who really bring me joy and laughter, that are good with my son and also love him. I realize that I am strengthening friendships because I am giving them more care and attention. It isn't about quantity, but quality.....
Love to you all.
Do you know what she did next? She wrote me back the "top 8 things about Vicki". How totally off the charts incredible is that? What an amazing friend I have! It wasn't just that she took the time to do it, but each one of them required a lot of thought. They weren't simply: I like your red hair or I like the clothes you wear. They showed how she TRULY knows me, like really, really knows me. And not only that, she truly GETS me. I have never in my 41 years have someone write a list like that. Just re-reading it again this morning, I can feel the tears coming back.
So, this morning it hit me? Which of us could write a list of our "top 8 things"? Or even five for that matter? I know before I got that email yesterday, I probably couldn't have done it. But now that I have it in writing, I can see that I'm pretty darn cool. :-)
Or better yet, what if you picked a friend today and wrote them the 5 or 8 or 10 things you really like about him/her? Can you imagine how it would lift their spirits? Can you imagine the smile they would have? The sense of value and self worth and just pure love?
Today I challenge each of you that read this to please do just that. If you can't write the things you love most about yourself, reach out to a friend or family member and let them know what you admire about them. Doesn't matter if it is by text, phone, email, skype, snail mail....just do it. I absolutely PROMISE it will change that person's day and probably week. I know it did for me.
One other thing I challenge you with is this: treasure your friendships. I mean, the REAL friendships. Make sure you are spending your time and energy on the people that lift you up, that love you for who you are, that will challenge you (but in a good way) and make your world a better place. Recently I had made the decision that I was going to spend my time with the people who really bring me joy and laughter, that are good with my son and also love him. I realize that I am strengthening friendships because I am giving them more care and attention. It isn't about quantity, but quality.....
Love to you all.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Nobody's stress is worse than another's
Saturday night Matt, Alex and I were out to dinner with one of our favorite families. We were enjoying a couple adult beverages, laughter and just plain fun. During the conversation, Matt started teasing me about how people tend to tell me their life stories. This includes someone checking me out at the grocery store, people standing in front of or behind me in line, co-workers, friends, friends of friends, etc, etc. It is not uncommon for me to come home from Publix, Walmart, or Target to tell Matt about a story I'd been by a complete stranger. Just last week I had a Publix employee who carried out my bags offer to share a story that he had not been able to tell his own family. There seemed to be something criminal attached to the story so, for the first time ever, told him he probably shouldn't tell me.
As much as it is a family joke, I do enjoy being there as a sounding board for people. I like being the person my friends can come to and vent, unload, or cry to. I feel that this empathy is one of my main strengths and is a huge part of who I am. I could probably do without complete strangers telling me about their marriage or health issues, but if it's a friend, I really don't mind. I'm happy to be there for someone to lean on during times of trouble. I like knowing that people consider me a good listener and someone who is there in times of need or crisis.
This is another thing that has been difficult for me during my cancer fight, and part of why I kept it a secret this go around. It became obvious once I was diagnosed with the 'Big-C' that people didn't feel comfortable sharing their own troubles with me anymore. They felt that what they were dealing with wasn't as important as my battle. I was told numerous times that I had enough on my plate and they didn't want to add more.
But this often left me feeling sad. I didn't WANT my friends/family keeping things from me and it left me feeling shut out. I wanted to be there for one of my best friends as her father was near the end of his life, so I made sure to keep my recurrence to myself. I wanted to be there for a dear friend who was having trouble in her marriage so I didn't share what was going on with my health. I didn't want a friend or family member who was dealing with her own cancer scare NOT to come to me. When friends/loved ones avoided sharing their own troubles, fears and worries, I felt like this altered our friendship and made me feel a distance/a wall between us that I didn't want. So, to keep this from happening, I kept the recent events to myself.
However, one of the things that pushed me to finally tell people was, since they didn't know what was going on, they had no idea what kind of stress I was under. To most of the outside world, people thought of me as a 'cancer survivor'. And since I had been through my journey (and won it in their eyes) it was only natural to ask me to support others during their cancer fight. Almost daily (or often more than once a day) I was hearing about a friend's mother, sister, grandmother, daughter, co-worker, etc that is battling cancer or God forbid, had lost that battle. And I wanted to be there for each and every one of them, I truly did. That's just my nature. I sooooo want to be supportive and giving and caring and a source for information. But it was starting to drain on me. Because each of those calls or texts was a reminder of what I am still going through.
Matt and I got a babysitter a few weeks ago so we could get out just the two of us. But I wasn't there at all in mind or spirit. I was feeling the weight of my struggle and not being able to be honest with everyone. At dinner that night, I felt like I could hardly even talk to Matt because if I opened my mouth to share what was on my mind, I would burst into tears. It became obvious that night that there was no way to keep the secret anymore. It was too much on me and therefore too much on Matt. I needed to be honest with everyone so I could set up some boundaries (and also ask for help).
So, herein lies the issue - finding the balance. I still want to be there for everyone around me, but at the same time I need to give myself the freedom to tell someone I just can't be the support system in that moment. If I'm feeling worn down and weak and don't have anything left to give, I need to say that. And then not feel guilty about it.
Some of you have already heard this story, so please bear with me if it's a repeat for you. When I was 19, I had been dating the same boy, named John, off and on for three years. His family was like my family; I adored them, they adored me. I spent more holidays with them than with my own family. The summer after my sophmore year of college, John's mother, Maria, was murdered in a very brutal way by her husband (John's father). Due to the stress of that situation, John and I broke up. I was very upset because I wanted to be there for him but he completely shut me out. I was talking to his older brother about it and then stopped short. This man had just lost his mother AND father and I was whining about my break up. And that's when he said the words that have always stuck with me: "Vicki, my pain is no worse than your pain. I'm going through a terrible time and you're going through a terrible time. Me losing my parents is painful to me, but your break up is also painful to you. The hurt you feel at not being able to help John has to be awful. There will come a time I can't be there for you and I will let you know. And then I'll need you to be there for me. But never think that you can't come to me just because I lost my mother."
And that is how I feel about this whole cancer thing. I WANT to be there for my friends and loved ones. Please don't EVER feel like just because I have cancer that you can't come to me about your daily troubles, worries or fears. I will NOT think they are trivial. If they are important to you, then they are important to me. This diagnosis does NOT give me the ownership of all pain, heart ache, frustration, fear or worry. You are still entitled to each one of those feelings and I don't want you to hide them from me. There may come a day when I might say I can't help as much as I'd like, but that will only be temporary. Please don't ever take that as a sign that I want you to go away and not lean on me next time. PLEASE don't go away. I will miss you terribly. Please let me be there for you and I will do my best to ask you to be there for me. Pinky swear. :-)
As much as it is a family joke, I do enjoy being there as a sounding board for people. I like being the person my friends can come to and vent, unload, or cry to. I feel that this empathy is one of my main strengths and is a huge part of who I am. I could probably do without complete strangers telling me about their marriage or health issues, but if it's a friend, I really don't mind. I'm happy to be there for someone to lean on during times of trouble. I like knowing that people consider me a good listener and someone who is there in times of need or crisis.
This is another thing that has been difficult for me during my cancer fight, and part of why I kept it a secret this go around. It became obvious once I was diagnosed with the 'Big-C' that people didn't feel comfortable sharing their own troubles with me anymore. They felt that what they were dealing with wasn't as important as my battle. I was told numerous times that I had enough on my plate and they didn't want to add more.
But this often left me feeling sad. I didn't WANT my friends/family keeping things from me and it left me feeling shut out. I wanted to be there for one of my best friends as her father was near the end of his life, so I made sure to keep my recurrence to myself. I wanted to be there for a dear friend who was having trouble in her marriage so I didn't share what was going on with my health. I didn't want a friend or family member who was dealing with her own cancer scare NOT to come to me. When friends/loved ones avoided sharing their own troubles, fears and worries, I felt like this altered our friendship and made me feel a distance/a wall between us that I didn't want. So, to keep this from happening, I kept the recent events to myself.
However, one of the things that pushed me to finally tell people was, since they didn't know what was going on, they had no idea what kind of stress I was under. To most of the outside world, people thought of me as a 'cancer survivor'. And since I had been through my journey (and won it in their eyes) it was only natural to ask me to support others during their cancer fight. Almost daily (or often more than once a day) I was hearing about a friend's mother, sister, grandmother, daughter, co-worker, etc that is battling cancer or God forbid, had lost that battle. And I wanted to be there for each and every one of them, I truly did. That's just my nature. I sooooo want to be supportive and giving and caring and a source for information. But it was starting to drain on me. Because each of those calls or texts was a reminder of what I am still going through.
Matt and I got a babysitter a few weeks ago so we could get out just the two of us. But I wasn't there at all in mind or spirit. I was feeling the weight of my struggle and not being able to be honest with everyone. At dinner that night, I felt like I could hardly even talk to Matt because if I opened my mouth to share what was on my mind, I would burst into tears. It became obvious that night that there was no way to keep the secret anymore. It was too much on me and therefore too much on Matt. I needed to be honest with everyone so I could set up some boundaries (and also ask for help).
So, herein lies the issue - finding the balance. I still want to be there for everyone around me, but at the same time I need to give myself the freedom to tell someone I just can't be the support system in that moment. If I'm feeling worn down and weak and don't have anything left to give, I need to say that. And then not feel guilty about it.
Some of you have already heard this story, so please bear with me if it's a repeat for you. When I was 19, I had been dating the same boy, named John, off and on for three years. His family was like my family; I adored them, they adored me. I spent more holidays with them than with my own family. The summer after my sophmore year of college, John's mother, Maria, was murdered in a very brutal way by her husband (John's father). Due to the stress of that situation, John and I broke up. I was very upset because I wanted to be there for him but he completely shut me out. I was talking to his older brother about it and then stopped short. This man had just lost his mother AND father and I was whining about my break up. And that's when he said the words that have always stuck with me: "Vicki, my pain is no worse than your pain. I'm going through a terrible time and you're going through a terrible time. Me losing my parents is painful to me, but your break up is also painful to you. The hurt you feel at not being able to help John has to be awful. There will come a time I can't be there for you and I will let you know. And then I'll need you to be there for me. But never think that you can't come to me just because I lost my mother."
And that is how I feel about this whole cancer thing. I WANT to be there for my friends and loved ones. Please don't EVER feel like just because I have cancer that you can't come to me about your daily troubles, worries or fears. I will NOT think they are trivial. If they are important to you, then they are important to me. This diagnosis does NOT give me the ownership of all pain, heart ache, frustration, fear or worry. You are still entitled to each one of those feelings and I don't want you to hide them from me. There may come a day when I might say I can't help as much as I'd like, but that will only be temporary. Please don't ever take that as a sign that I want you to go away and not lean on me next time. PLEASE don't go away. I will miss you terribly. Please let me be there for you and I will do my best to ask you to be there for me. Pinky swear. :-)
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Tell the truth...because that's what friends really want to hear
Yesterday I was at one of my best friend's daughters birthday - something I'd been really looking forward to. I wasn't feeling that hot but nothing would have kept me from going. This is a family that has become important to all of us so I wouldn't have missed it for the world. While there, another good friend came up and asked me how I was doing. I responded with: "do you want the truth, a lie or some combination?" She answered: "whichever you feel most comfortable telling me" (God bless the way she gave me permission to answer either way). I gave her a brief synopsis of how I was feeling since the internal radiation and we just moved on.
In that moment, I felt closer to her by telling the truth, but after the party, I started replaying the whole conversation in my head. Did I sound like I was whining or complaining? Did I give too much information? Did I bring down the "vibe" of the moment by being honest? Now, let me make it clear: this was ALL in my head. This is a person who would NOT have asked if she didn't want to know. She isn't someone who will pretend to care just because it's the politically correct thing to do. And her attitude towards me didn't change after I shared; we continued to chit chat about other topics during the party and there was no akwardness. BUT....I still had my doubts. And this is what always gets me in trouble. My own crazy neurosis. My own worries and insecurities and how I can analyze the tiniest thing to death. (I hear you people nodding your heads as you read this - you don't have to agree SOOO wholeheartedly. LOL)
And this is the basis for why I've had such a hard time letting people in during this battle. Like today at church. Before I even headed that way, I was out of breath from getting ready. I felt like I had run a few miles just from taking a shower. Yet, I got to church, a place that is full of people who love me and care about me and lied through my teeth. How are you? I'm okay. How are you doing? I'm okay. How are you feeling? I'm a bit winded, but I'm okay. I chit chatted with several friends while inside my head I was praying they wouldn't realize how winded I was. When I was done being the front door greeter, I contemplated just heading back home, but decided staying at church might actually give me a bit of rest since Alex had stayed home with a cold (for those with kids, you'll understand that one). But the hard part for me at church is the standing and singing. It makes me even more out of breath. The up and down, up and down is just exhausting. But I don't want to stay seated because then people would notice. And I don't want to NOT sing, because people would notice.
On top of a normal Sunday service, we were having communion. And I knew that I definitely wouldn't be able to stand in line, walk up there and accept the juice and bread without it being terribly obvious. People would have noticed.
And why does it matter if people notice? I DON'T KNOW, I really don't. But it does. As much as I tell myself it shouldn't, it still does. As much as I scold myself about it, it still does. As much as I tell myself that these people TRULY care and WANT to know, it still does. As much as I remind myself that when someone in my life is hurting how badly I want to help, I just can't get past this fear. And even as I write this, I am already imagining the emails and texts I will receive for not being honest this morning. Yet, still, I don't know how to fix this stupidity.
So, how did I leave this morning? I snuck out of the sanctuary just as the kids were coming back in from Children's Church. I knew that I could just tell people I was going home to take care of Alex . But throughout the day I wondered what would have happened if I told my friend sitting next to me that I couldn't breath. Would it have been the end of the world? And that is the answer I just can't come up with. I keep thinking that if she had helped me out that it would have drawn some attention and that would have been embarrassing. I WANT to be able to say that given the chance to do the day over, I would have changed how I handled it. That if I feel that badly next Sunday, I would be more honest.
But I'm not quite there yet. I'm going to need to spend a lot of time in prayer about this one. Because this isn't something I'm able to fix about myself on my own. So, for those that have asked what they can do, I ask that you join me in this prayer. That you will pray for me in being better about letting you all in. And that if/when I do it, I won't regret it later. That I will just accept your concern, be happy to have such caring, loving people in my life and not worry later that I should have kept my mouth shut.
Thank you to all of you that put up with my idiosyncrasies (my nice word for 'craziness") and still continue to love me. I'm obviously a work in progress. Thank you for joining me on the journey. Love to you all.
In that moment, I felt closer to her by telling the truth, but after the party, I started replaying the whole conversation in my head. Did I sound like I was whining or complaining? Did I give too much information? Did I bring down the "vibe" of the moment by being honest? Now, let me make it clear: this was ALL in my head. This is a person who would NOT have asked if she didn't want to know. She isn't someone who will pretend to care just because it's the politically correct thing to do. And her attitude towards me didn't change after I shared; we continued to chit chat about other topics during the party and there was no akwardness. BUT....I still had my doubts. And this is what always gets me in trouble. My own crazy neurosis. My own worries and insecurities and how I can analyze the tiniest thing to death. (I hear you people nodding your heads as you read this - you don't have to agree SOOO wholeheartedly. LOL)
And this is the basis for why I've had such a hard time letting people in during this battle. Like today at church. Before I even headed that way, I was out of breath from getting ready. I felt like I had run a few miles just from taking a shower. Yet, I got to church, a place that is full of people who love me and care about me and lied through my teeth. How are you? I'm okay. How are you doing? I'm okay. How are you feeling? I'm a bit winded, but I'm okay. I chit chatted with several friends while inside my head I was praying they wouldn't realize how winded I was. When I was done being the front door greeter, I contemplated just heading back home, but decided staying at church might actually give me a bit of rest since Alex had stayed home with a cold (for those with kids, you'll understand that one). But the hard part for me at church is the standing and singing. It makes me even more out of breath. The up and down, up and down is just exhausting. But I don't want to stay seated because then people would notice. And I don't want to NOT sing, because people would notice.
On top of a normal Sunday service, we were having communion. And I knew that I definitely wouldn't be able to stand in line, walk up there and accept the juice and bread without it being terribly obvious. People would have noticed.
And why does it matter if people notice? I DON'T KNOW, I really don't. But it does. As much as I tell myself it shouldn't, it still does. As much as I scold myself about it, it still does. As much as I tell myself that these people TRULY care and WANT to know, it still does. As much as I remind myself that when someone in my life is hurting how badly I want to help, I just can't get past this fear. And even as I write this, I am already imagining the emails and texts I will receive for not being honest this morning. Yet, still, I don't know how to fix this stupidity.
So, how did I leave this morning? I snuck out of the sanctuary just as the kids were coming back in from Children's Church. I knew that I could just tell people I was going home to take care of Alex . But throughout the day I wondered what would have happened if I told my friend sitting next to me that I couldn't breath. Would it have been the end of the world? And that is the answer I just can't come up with. I keep thinking that if she had helped me out that it would have drawn some attention and that would have been embarrassing. I WANT to be able to say that given the chance to do the day over, I would have changed how I handled it. That if I feel that badly next Sunday, I would be more honest.
But I'm not quite there yet. I'm going to need to spend a lot of time in prayer about this one. Because this isn't something I'm able to fix about myself on my own. So, for those that have asked what they can do, I ask that you join me in this prayer. That you will pray for me in being better about letting you all in. And that if/when I do it, I won't regret it later. That I will just accept your concern, be happy to have such caring, loving people in my life and not worry later that I should have kept my mouth shut.
Thank you to all of you that put up with my idiosyncrasies (my nice word for 'craziness") and still continue to love me. I'm obviously a work in progress. Thank you for joining me on the journey. Love to you all.
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