Mommy, I'm proud of me too

Last night when I tucked Alex into bed I told him I was so proud of him for the good day he'd had. His response? "I'm proud of me too." And in that moment I knew we'd made the right decision.

Let me rewind a bit. Alex has always been a tad on the hyper side. Okay, maybe more than just a tad. He came out of the womb that way. He had a terrible time napping and didn't sleep through the night until he was fifteen months old. For the first three years of his life we weren't sure if him being sick all the time had disrupted his sleep patterns or if it was something else. After he had his last ear surgery at three and a half, Matt and I started discussing if he was going to ever calm down. It was too early for him to be evaluated for ADHD so we had him seen by a cognitive therapist. She diagnosed him as having something called 'Sensory Processing Disorder.' Basically she felt that all his illnesses had caused a break down in some natural progression of his ability to handle stimulation. Unlike the majority of the children with the disorder, she thought he needed a higher amount of stimulation. She gave us some things to work on with him that she thought would help. They never really did.

We tried watching his diet, making sure he got plenty of exercise, behavior modification, a strict bedtime routine, a very structured environment, etc. We tended not to do things during the week after preschool because it took him a long time to settle back down afterwards. Over time I realized how many ways his hyperactivity was effecting all of us as a family. But it wasn't until he could verablize it on his own that I knew it was time to take the next step.

A few months ago I picked Alex up from school and the teacher told me he'd had a meltdown that day. She explained that she had instructed him, yet again, to sit still during story time and he said "I just can't" and burst into tears. I was curious if this was his way of getting out of trouble or if it was his way of telling us something. A couple days later I had repeatedly asked Alex to calm down and he told me I was making him sad. I asked him why and he told me because I'm always telling him to be quiet but I know it isn't his fault. Then one night at bedtime, I asked Alex to please stop wriggling around and settle down. He told me that there were snakes inside his legs that were making him move around. It seemed like his way of trying to explain how hyper he felt inside. I shared all these comments with Matt and together we decided to call the pediatrician.

She had Matt and I and the school fill out different questionaires so she could get a feel for how he acted in different environments. Then we had to wait a month or so to see her. And it was the longest month. Because even though we didn't have a diagnosis yet, it was all of a sudden so obvious. Now that we really saw it, I wanted it fixed immediately. Yes, you all know that I'm terrible when it comes to patience. And through that month it seemed like Alex was getting frustrated with us as well. He was trying to explain it in numerous ways and in his eyes we just weren't getting it, weren't doing anything about it. So, he acted out even more, lashed out at us (mostly me because Mommy is supposed to fix everything) and seemed to get in even more trouble at school. It was almost like he'd given up trying; if he was going to get in trouble no matter what, why even bother?

So a few weeks ago when we got to see the doctor, I was MORE than ready for some help, some advice. The doctor spent about an hour with us and at the end of that time she said it was clear to her that he had ADHD. Was I relieved? Yes. Do I feel a bit guilty about that? Yes. For a few reasons. I soooooo hate the fact that he has to take another daily medication. I had been very happy that we'd weaned him off his reflux meds and for the first time in his life he didn't have to take one prescription. I also felt guilty because I felt like I'd caused it. I was ADHD as a child and I felt like I had passed it on to him. The doctor saw all this on my face and said it's okay, you didn't cause it. Yes, it may be genetic, but that doesn't mean you personally did anything to make him this way. She also said that it's okay to be relieved that she agreed with me about the diagnosis. She told me lots of parents feel that way - makes them see that they aren't crazy. And that all made me feel much better.

So, we got some medication and the first two weeks were a roller coaster. With ADHD, it's actually a chemical imbalance in the brain which has to be regulated. And for Alex, that wasn't the easiest of processes. He went from sad to happy to angry and calm to hyper and back again, all in the blink of an eye. After one week I wasn't sure we were on the right track. But then a couple days ago I started to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

It started with him spending half a day with his grandparents and them commenting on how he seemed calmer. And then he was working on a project and said "look how I'm taking my time and not rushing." Then he stayed home from school one day when we were both sick and actually was calm the WHOLE DAY - something I'd never experienced with him. And then yesterday was the real testimony. I picked him up from school and got a GLOWING report about how he'd sat still during the story time and didn't interrupt his teacher and played nicely with his friends on the playground. Then at home I was on the phone and he didn't ask for my attention one time.

This is why at bedtime I told him how proud of him I was. Because I knew he'd really been trying hard. Even before the medication he'd been trying, but it had been something he couldn't control. And I was over the moon happy to see things smoothing out. But when he told me he was proud of himself, well, I thought my heart would burst with joy. Because that's what I wanted for him. I want him to be happy and not down on himself. I want him to know that he is a good kid. So, yes, I was happy for me and Matt that things would be getting easier, but I was ecstatic that HE was happy. Isn't that all parents really want for their children anyway? It's in our nature. Once you have a child, all the priorities shift. It stops being about us and they come first. And that is why today I'm over the moon. Because I know we made the right decision and I know it's just going to get better from here.

God bless you and thank you to everyone who has been on the "Alex hyper ride" with us. :)

God knows just the child you need

Yesterday I woke up sick as a dog. Where did that saying come from anyway? I just have never noticed that my dogs get sick that much and if they do, they get to lay around all day anyway. So, me being sick is nothing like when they are sick. Sorry, I digress....Okay, so I woke up really feeling icky, knew I wouldn't be going to work and my biggest worry was getting Alex up and ready for school so I could go back to sleep. But he had other plans, cause he woke up under the weather as well.

Now, for all you mothers out there, you will understand what was going through my mind at first: "**it! How am I supposed to take care of myself and him? Why can't I just be sick? I just want to pull the covers over my head!" Don't lie - you have all been there! So, to say I was feeling a tad negative about the situation would be putting it mildly. I was even a bit irritated at Alex - as if it was his fault. And unfortunately, he could tell, and that made me feel terrible. I was expecting him to get crabby back at me but what he did next really turned the day around.

I was lying on the couch, he came over, put his arms around me and said "It's okay Mommy. Since we're both sick, we can take care of each other. I'll give you love and you can give me love." Yep, that's my son. The 'glass is half full kinda guy'. To counteract my tendency to be the 'glass if half empty kinda gal'. I posted something about this on Facebook yesterday but I've been thinking about it ever since and had to share what's been going through my mind.

As we wasted part of the day away, Alex was watching cartoons in one room and I was watching reruns of 'Sex in the City' in the other. It was an episode where one of the characters, Charlotte, found out that she and her husband would be adopting a baby from China. They had been through fertility treatments, suffered miscarriages and had one family pull out of an adoption. So, it was with great excitement that they found out God would finally be giving them a baby. Charlotte looked at the picture that came in their package and said "That's our baby. I just know it."

Now maybe it was cause I was exhausted and feeling wonky, but my eyes filled up with tears. Yes, I've watched that scene at least 20 times before, but yesterday it hit me in a different way. It made me think back to Matt's and my difficulties with having a baby. The months of not getting pregnant, then the miscarriages, then the fertility treatments that didn't work. I remember the frustration and hurt and pain of not understanding God's plan. I've since learned a lot about why He allowed us to go through those times and yesterday I realized another.

Alex was meant to be our child. God knew that he would be exactly what I needed. That I would need a child that made me laugh, that is silly, fun, caring, loving , cuddly and most important: positive. That there would be days that he would be the one to show me the glass was half full, not empty. That he would get me to look at things in a completely different way. That he would get me to embrace life in ways I hadn't before. And during the days when I was really sick, he gave me the push to keep going and keep fighting.

So, today God, I thank you for your perfect plan. I thank you that all along you knew just the right child to complete our family. Thank you for his giggle, his smiles, his hugs, his sense of humor, the way he loves life, you, his friends, his family, and mostly, the way he loves ME. Today I vow to be more patient when he is pushing my buttons - as only he knows how. Because I know five minutes after, he will be making me laugh at some silly comment he's made. Thank you for all the joy he has brought to our lives. It's a joy I never knew existed - but YOU did.

Danger of the rumor mill

When I was in college, there was a rumor that went around that my sister's boyfriend (now husband) was part of the mob. His last name is Gamb and someone told someone else that it was short for Gambini - the notorious Italian mob family. Needless to say, it was completely untrue and totally ridiculous. But it took off for awhile and was quite an embarrassment to him, his family and my sister. Luckily, with time, it went away after awhile. But the damage was done....some people to this day believe that it just might be true. See, that's the thing about rumors. Once they are told, they can never be taken back. And they don't just hurt one person; it's like a ripple effect. This particular one was about my brother-in-law, but it effected not just him but several other people as well.

I was thinking about this story last night because of something Matt said to me. I was having a moment of frustration due to a rumor that had been started about me several months ago. As always the voice of reason, he told me not to worry about the few people that believed it and to put it out of my head. I told him it was easy for him to say since the rumor wasn't about him and it didn't effect him. He got irritated, rightly so, and told me it DID effect him because he was the one who had to deal with me when I was upset about it. Later on I thought about it more and I realized that it effected him in more ways than just that. If someone stated that I was a liar, then he would have to be one too. Since he lives with me and knows everything about me, if I was lying about something important, he would have to be just as untruthful. And that got me really frustrated; it's upsetting enough to have people say something about yourself, but your husband....well that's a whole other ball of wax. Say something about my hubby and it REALLY gets my back up.

Then I started thinking how this has also effected Alex. Due to the whole situation, he has lost a couple play mates and he's old enough to ask why. And I don't really know what to tell him so I just change the subject the best I can. Luckily he is blessed to have a ton of little friends so it hasn't impacted him too much, but it's still bothersome when he asks "why don't I play with so-and-so anymore?"

Then there are the friends who have inadvertently been caught in the middle and for them I feel sorry as well. I never want people to have to take sides and I hate that some have felt they have to. I only hope that if a friend hears this rumor being told that they would just change the subject so it's not repeated in their presence.

So, what's the moral of the story? Please, please, please think before you tell a story about someone else. Ask yourself: "am I 100% sure what I'm about to tell is the truth?", "is what I'm about to share going to bring someone up or tear them down?", "will this story effect a child?" and lastly "am I sharing this story because I've been hurt and want to hurt someone else?"

I won't begin to claim that I have never been involved in the gossip mill....I know for a fact that I have shared stories that I didn't know we're 100% true, that tore someone else down, that effected a child involved in the situation and that was told simply to hurt another individual. Am I proud of those things? Definitely not...especially now being on the other side. I know now how much it hurts, how frustrating it is to straighten out and how many people can be effected. It has given me a perspective I never had before...and maybe one I needed.

So, next time you feel like sharing a story you heard from a friend of a friend of a friend....please don't. You have no idea how far it will spread and how many people could be hurt. It's just not worth it. And just think, one of those people being effected could end up being someone you really care about.

Thanks for reading. God bless and Happy Easter!

Necessary reminder

Do you ever have one of those nights? One where you tell yourself over and over it doesn't matter what someone else thinks, but deep down it hurts your feelings? You remind yourself that your focus needs to ONLY be on the people that love and care for you, NOT on those that don't. But it's almost like an alcoholic longing for a drink and trying so hard to resist. Tonight is kind of like my "relapse".

See, I just found out that a friend, well, more like an acquaintance, has de-friended AND blocked me on Facebook. She had made a comment awhile back about wanting off my "crazy train", but I thought she was kidding. Guess she wasn't.....And even though my sweet hubby reminded me (and I agreed with him) that those are the people I shouldn't worry about.....well, I've been worrying about it. I started to let it get me down.  And then it reminded me of the few people that had doubted my cancer "story" and how some of those people I still see. And I started going down the path to: how many people out there don't like me?

That's how the mind can work - you learn of one person who isn't on your side and you start thinking maybe she's right. Maybe I AM too much to handle....I mean, the word "craziness" is in the title of this blog. Maybe after all my updates for two years while I was sick, there are people who are just, well, sick and tired of me. Maybe I'd be a bit "over me" too if I was in their shoes. I am someone who notices all the weird things around me and I love to share those stories. Maybe that annoys some people. So, I start to wonder if I need to tailor that, change myself.

And then I hear the voice of a dear, dear friend (not just an acquaintance) who told me how much she'd missed me when I took a break from Facebook. How she felt like she didn't know what was going on and therefore couldn't share those stories with her husband. And another friend who told me I'd been missed on that same break. And another who said she'd missed the devotionals I would post. And another who said she had missed the silly "Alexisms" I'd share.

And all this has got me thinking: maybe I'm just one of those people who you either love or hate. I don't think there's any middle ground. Either you love my crazy, silly, sometimes-emotional, always-heartfelt updates OR they drive you crazy. And maybe at almost 41 years old, maybe it's time that I learned to accept that. Maybe it's time that I'm okay with just letting people go if I drive them nuts and embrace the ones who love me enough to put up with me.  It's okay to admit that I'm a handful....but after giving it some thought, I think I'm a pretty awesome handful.

So, if there's anyone today, or recently, who has walked out of your life, just let them go, like I've had to do. If that person doesn't want to fully embrace who you are, that's okay. There are plenty of people in your life already that will. And there might even be someone right around the corner who has yet to learn how incredible you are. So, don't hold back - just be your normal, awesome self! Cause if you're reading this, I think you're pretty darn cool!

Thanks for being part of my life and all it's craziness. 😀💜🌻