Today's blog is going to be a bit hard for me to write because it's very honest. Even more honest than I normally am. I've been holding a lot of things in, trying so hard to be positive, not wanting people to see how much I'm truly crumbling. I just didn't think it's what people want to read; I mean, who wants to be around a "Debbie Downer"?
I also try soooooo hard to show God's hand in this fight and if I show how some days I'm falling apart, am I letting people down? Am I letting Him down? I write over and over and over about how He has a grander plan, how He can provide miracles, how He can heal me in an instant and how I need to lean on Him to get through this.
Please don't mistake for one moment that I still believe EVERY word of that. It's not like I've just been writing it to sound like the "perfect little Christian." I believe in miracles more than you can possibly know. I believe wholeheartedly that God has the power and that I am His child. I know He cared about me before I was even born.
But the thing is...I'm human. So therefore I'm not perfect, even though I so badly want to be. And because I hate for people to see me on the "rough" days, the ones where I'm falling apart, I tend to seclude myself. I will stay home from church, I won't hang out with friends, I will work from home, etc. I'll continue to let the outside world believe that everything is hunky dory, that I'm just hanging out waiting for my cancer to be taken away.
However, while I'm doing that, I'm falling apart inside. Like really falling apart. More than I care to admit. I'm scared and frustrated and worried and I feel the weight of this three and a half year battle on my shoulders. I feel incredibly alone, although I know I've pretty much done that to myself. People don't see the "scared" me, so how do they know I need help? I pretty much never say it. So, I just hold it all in until I break down; kind of like a volcano.
And who takes the brunt of it? Of course my husband since I don't allow anyone else to see how much this is truly effecting me. Only he knows how much I cry or sit alone on the couch and just worry. Only he knows how much I doubt myself. And today it all came to a head. And I knew that I had to lean on someone other than him. He needed a break and I needed to let someone else in.
So, I texted a dear friend, and she was there. She was there in the best of ways. She listened to me cry and vent and share all the things I've been worrying about. She listened as I told her how much I feel like a terrible mother because I can't insulate Alex from all of this. She listened as I told her how far away I feel from God, and how I wasn't sure how to fix that. She listened as I told her the one thing you're not supposed to ever say when you have Cancer: why do I keep fighting? Is it all worth it? Am I worth it? Is it fair to keep putting everyone through this.
And after listening to all that, she told me the thing I most needed to hear: that she was glad I had reached out to her. That people have just been waiting for me to do that. That it's okay to fall apart like I did, that it wouldn't be normal if I didn't. She also assured me that I haven't damaged Alex for life and that he wouldn't be better off without me. Which I know in my head, but sometimes I need to be reassured.
But the most important thing she told me is that I need to find a way to get closer to God, because He is the ONLY WAY I will make it through this. That I need to get back to having one-on-one time with Him and I need to get back to church. Whether it's my current church or another one (not that I'm saying there's something wrong with mine), I need to be in His house where He can fill me up each week. Because my tank is on empty. I've been looking for all the ways I can fill that tank back up: resting, exercise, eating healthy, vacations, long walks, reading a good book, quality time with the family, etc, etc. But none of it is working. Because ONLY HE can do it.
After that great conversation, I was headed to lunch with another good friend. I had been crying off and on all morning so my face and eyes were a mess. I had no make-up at my office so I soooo badly wanted to cancel. I didn't want her to see me like that. And then I thought back to what my other friend had just finished saying: people want me to let them in, they want to see me at my worst so they can be there for me.
And boy am I glad I went. Because this friend was also there for me in a great way. She told me all the ways I am a great Mom and gave me a different way of looking at things. She also gave me some ideas on how to express my worries before I completely fall apart. But most importantly, she was just there. Not judging me. Just listening. And smiling at me and offering love. And all I had to do was accept it. What a nice, wonderful feeling. And SOOOO needed today.
Today I want to say I'm sorry that I haven't shared more about how hard this has been. For those that know me, they know it is when I'm NOT writing. Because when I'm really stressed/worried/sad, I'm afraid to put it all on paper and depress the people who are reading it. I'm afraid of letting people down. I'm afraid that people won't want to be around me if I'm down in the dumps. So I just do my best to put on my happy face and if I can't do that, stay at home so I don't bring others down.
Today I also want to hold myself accountable for working on my spiritual connection with my Heavenly father. If there is distance between us, it is never going to be His fault. It will always be mine. So it's time to put in the effort. If He had His son die on the cross for me, the least I can do is put Him back in my day.
Thank you for listening and for all your prayers. You have no idea how much they help me on a daily basis. God bless each and every one of you!
