When I first found out that our latest treatment didn't work, I spent about two weeks in a dark place. I would cry at the drop of a hat, I was incredibly moody (my poor husband) and I just couldn't seem to pull myself out of that depressive state. No matter how much I prayed and tried to rely on my faith, the human emotions just wouldn't be cast aside. Thankfully once the third week began, each day I seemed to handle things a bit better. It was like a lightswitch had been turned on and I could see things clearer. I was reminded that it wasn't the end of the world and God was still in control. I told myself the time for tears was over and time to get back to thinking positively. As a good friend says: "time to put on my big girl panties" and move on.
And then yesterday the tears were back. And I was SOOO mad at myself. Which of course made me cry more. It was a culmination of things, but still didn't warrant all the tears. Or did it? And that's where I'm stuck today. I want to be positive, I want to BELIEVE, I want to carry on with a normal life despite my diagnosis, I want to have fun with my husband, son and friends. But this despair keeps coming back around. And then I get mad at myself. And tell myself to just get over it. But of course that doesn't help.
To be quite honest, at this juncture, I need a champion. And I'm not doing a good job at being that for myself. Not meaning to complain, but my body and mind are just worn out and exhausted. I wake up tired, go through the day tired and go to sleep tired. Every muscle seems to hurt, my brain is foggy (I can't seem to remember how to do the most common tasks) and I'm nauseous all the time so I don't want to eat. I share all of that, not to complain, but to maybe explain where I'm currently at. I logically know that my body is fighting hard to get rid of this cancer, but mentally it frustrates the living daylights out of me. I just want to have a day where I'm not fighting all these physical symptoms on top of everything else. I want a day where it's not a struggle to get up off the couch and play with Alex.
Last night I told Matt: I need someone to tell me it's okay to let go or someone to convince me to keep fighting. Not meaning that in the "I want to die" kind of way. Of course I want to live. But there are times that moving past all this and being out of pain is just very enticing. As you all can guess, Matt said he would definitely not be the person to say it's okay to let go. And I love him for that. But, God bless him, he's not the person to give me the "rah rah" speech I'm looking for. That is not his make up. He is the person who will logically explain why I need to keep fighting. And his logic has brought us far in our years together - can you imagine if both of us were as emotional as I am? God forbid, right? :-)
But that leaves me in a conundrum (big word for this early in the morning). I KNOW I need to keep fighting. I KNOW there is no other option. I KNOW I need to get past this rough patch. I KNOW I need to tell the devil to take away all these negative emotions. But KNOWING it and DOING it are two different things right now. So, today I come to you asking for your help. Can you please pray that God will provide me the cheerleader that I need? That He will clear away this sad time and help me to enjoy each day He has given me? That He will let me know it's okay to be sad from time to time, but show me how to STOP it from consuming me? Please pray that I will accept from people what they are ABLE to give and not be upset when they can't give more? Please pray that I'm reminded that there are certain skills I don't have; therefore other people in my life are the same way.
Thank you to each and every one of you. I'm sorry if I am laying too much at your feet today. I just needed to be honest and ask for the help that many of you have offered.
God bless you and I wish you a wonderful Friday. We made it! :-)
