I've been waiting to write and give an update on our next step until I had bounced back from the unfortunate news we received. Only problem is it's been two weeks and I'm not doing the greatest at 'bouncing back'. I swore that I wouldn't make this blog a pity party for me or a place just to vent. So, I've been worried to write and come across as negative or feeling sorry for myself. I've desperately been trying to dig myself out of the black hole but I'm pretty much failing at that....and for that I've been beating myself up.
Just to update anyone that missed the news, the radiation did not do anything to reduce the tumors. They haven't grown in size, but they haven't gone down either. So, there's two ways to look at that: Yeah! They aren't any bigger! or Oh My God, nothing we have done has worked. And try as I might to focus on the first, the second is what keeps running through my mind. Sure, on one hand it's understandable. It's been a LOOOOOOONG three year fight and I'm entitled to be upset. But on the other, me getting so down in the dumps doesn't do anything to solve the problem.
When I heard the news that day, I immediately said "I'm done. I can't do anything else. I'm exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically." What makes it hardest for me is the ONLY thing my doctor suggests is surgery to remove my lung where the cancer has taken up shop. But that is MAJOR surgery with a long recovery time and rehab afterwards to build up the remaining lung. I just don't have it in me. And one thing I've learned in this battle is that attitude is 90% of the fight. So, in my eyes we don't have options because that one is just too far out of reach.
When I was filling in one of my best friends this week, she said: "You've been told before that there are no more options, but you always found something else. How do you really know this time the doctor is right?" I've thought a lot about that question and I believe the answer is "I don't have the energy to keep looking for things we haven't tried". I have changed doctors several times because as soon as one told me we were at the end of the road, I would refuse to hear it and find another doctor who had a different response. Round and round I've gone. I've spent countless hours online myself searching for that one drug or treatment we hadn't tried. If it was a drug trial, I would fight my way in. If I was denied, I would keep trying until they said yes. If it was something my insurance didn't cover, I would use everyone I know to help me to change their minds. I never took no for an answer. I never accepted "there is nothing left to try". Until now.
And today I'm trying to decide if that means I am giving up or simply giving it up to God. I'm so very weary that I have NO choice but to turn it over to Him. What we are doing is simply not working. So, maybe that is God's way of telling me I need to stop. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over even though you get the same result? Well, today I've decided to stop the insanity. Maybe I can't beat cancer by being stubborn and tenacious and bullheaded. Maybe I don't have the answers after all and won't be able to find them through Google. Maybe there is no doctor, drug, treatment or trial that will cure me.
But that doesn't mean there is no hope. Because I know what God is capable of. I know that He has the ability to heal me today or tomorrow or the next day. And that is the hope that I'm clinging to. Or to put it more accurately, that is the hope I'm TRYING to cling to. Because I would be lying if I said I wasn't still depressed and sad and worried and scared. And I swore that I would never lie to you guys, no matter how bad it made me look. I will freely admit that my faith has taken a beating. Not that I don't believe, I just don't know what God's ultimate plan is and that is the part that is scary.
So today, I am praying for God to show me the way out of the sadness and towards the light again. I know He can do it. I just need to lean on him 100%. And anyone that would like to pray with me, it would be greatly appreciate it.
Please know how much I DEEPLY appreciate all your messages, texts, emails, calls and prayers. I wouldn't be able to make it through this without you guys. Love to you all!
