Have you gone to HIS word?

For the past couple months, there have been some things I've been dealing with that have been bringing me down. I've prayed and prayed and prayed, but it seems like maybe God isn't hearing me. Or at least that's how I've felt. I've tried praying in my car, in bed, in the shower, on my knees, on the couch, at my desk, you name it, I've prayed there. I'll just randomly close my eyes and pray that God will show me what I'm supposed to be doing, what HE wants me to do. And all I've heard is silence. I'm left without a clue.

I've cried, I've pleaded, I've begged, I've demanded, I've tried making deals (if I do this or that, would He please give me an answer), I've been the martar, I've been the brat, you name it, I've tried it. And all I've heard is silence. And still left without a clue.

I've been sad, worried, angry, hurt, despondent, scared, mad, etc. And all I've heard is silence. And still left without a clue.

As you can see, what I've been doing hasn't been working. And then I was texting this morning with my sister-in-law (who I've always loved, but am totally adoring this morning) and she shared something very powerful. I don't think she could have had an idea of how greatly it would effect me. She texted: "Great power in His word. Phillipians 4:6". I told her I agreed, thanked her and we chatted a bit more. And then I went about my day. Until I started getting upset again about why I didn't know what His plan was. Why wasn't I hearing Him?

DUH!!!!!! is all I can say. Had I spent any time in His word like my sister-in-law had mentioned? Even one minute? I'm ashamed to say "no". Had I been doing a devotional? No. Had I even OPENED my Bible in search of answers? Big fat NO! Yet, I was almost indignant that I had not received the answers I was looking for. I thought I was being faithful by asking God to point me in the right direction, yet I was demanding it on MY terms. I was asking the questions and thought He should be answering me right then and there. And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why He wasn't helping me.

But was I even trying to help myself? Sure, I was praying, but what else was I doing? Not much else. So, I decided to look up the verse that my sister-in-law had shared with me. Phillipians 4:6 "One God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." As I read this, it's saying to me that God has been there the whole time. He is in EVERY situation that I go through. He knows the outcome before I do. He has all the answers and is in charge over my entire life.

However, this verse does NOT say that He will SHARE all. He never states that He will give us all the answers we are looking for. As I read further down the page of my Bible, I found some verses I had previously highlighted and was struck deeply by chapter 5, verse 15: "Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil". As I read this, the word "unwise" leaped off the page at me. What does it mean to be wise versus unwise? Or maybe I should ask, how do we become wise? Well, when we are growing up, we become wise by going to school and learning. So, how do we become wise as Christians? By studying and learning from His word. Which I have not been doing.....Therefore, I have been unwise and that is why I have not been receiving the answers I have been looking for.

Sure, maybe I'm over simplfying things, but that's the only way I tend to "get it". I have to basically get hit over the head by the answer. And that's how it felt this morning. God was definitely telling me, through my sister-in-law, that I needed to be spending time in my Bible. I needed to be reading, searching, absorbing His words. I started panicing a bit that I didn't know where to start, but then He reminded me that it all started with one simple scripture verse and it brought me to others. Maybe there are days where I will just need to open the Bible at random and see where He leads me. That will definitely be better than not opening it at all. I'm also open to any devotionals that you guys have read that have helped you. I can definitely use all the guidance you're willing to offer.

So, today I feel better because I have a plan - READ MY BIBLE. Yep, I'm 41 years old and should probably have "gotten that" before now, but guess I'm a slow learner. :-) Hope everyone has a great day and that you receive all the answers you seek as well. God bless.

Bathing suit season....ughhhhhhh

I absolutely hate bathing suit season. I know, I know, I shouldn't use the word hate. So, I'll change it. I DETEST bathing suit season. I always have, no matter what size I've been. Even at a size zero, two or four, I could find something wrong with my body that I didn't want to show to the rest of the world. I mean, really, WHY, do we have to get half-naked to go in the water?

The problem with hating bathing suits is that I LOVE the water. Doesn't matter if it's the pool , lake or ocean. I love the sound it makes, just the sight of it brings me a peace and swimming in it magically turns off my brain.

I have quite the quandary, don't I? Either stay away from the water or learn to deal with these nasty contraptions that make women weep. Well, the first is definitely not an option. From almost the moment Alex was born, we could tell he would love the water just like me. At six months old, I put him in a pool to cool off and he immediately started kicking his legs. It was just automatic for him.  So, I have always tried to encourage his love of swimming and vowed that my dislike (putting it mildly here) for how I look barely clothed wouldn't stand in his way. It's not his fault that I can rattle off my faults faster than kinds of chocolate - which says a lot.

This weekend our neighborhood pool opened, so we spent a lot of time there. The weather was nice, I was able to get some sun and he got to do his favorite thing. This morning just the two of us went early to avoid the crowd and luckily only one family was there. I hate to admit this, but I was happy to see the mom was similar to me - not a size two and not in model-perfect shape. We were just two regular ladies hanging out at the pool and it was nice and laid back. We chatted while our boys played and found we had a lot in common. It was incredibly relaxing and I didn't think one minute about how I looked in my bathing suit.

Until....three other moms came through the gate with their small children. And all three were in two pieces, tiny two pieces. And they looked perfect. The moms you see at the playground that my friend and I joke are the "hot moms". The ones I'm NOT supposed to admit I want to look like, but I really do. And it was so interesting how the vibe changed in the pool between my new friend and I. I could see that she had gotten insecure at exactly the same moment as me. She started talking about needing to get her son home for a nap - her SIX year old boy at 10:00 in the morning. I knew what she was feeling, so I just went along with her. And since I didn't want to be left alone with the "perfect moms", I also decided it was time for us to leave. Was it about time to get out of the sun? Probably? But did I rush it just a bit? Probably.

While we were getting our stuff together, Alex pointed to one of the other moms and said "look at her bathing suit Mommy. You should get one like that. You'd look pretty." Of course, in my mind I started  listing off all the reasons why it would NOT look good on me. My stomach isn't flat like hers, my waist isn't tiny like hers, my legs....well, you get the drift. To him I just said "thank you."  But on our way home, it got me thinking: why can't we see ourselves through our children's eyes? Why can't I see myself as pretty as he does? He doesn't see my rounded tummy or un-toned legs or jiggly arms. He doesn't compare me to anyone else the way I do. He looks at me and sees a beautiful mom...just the way I am.

Now, I wish I could tell you that I will stop criticizing my body and be totally content with how I look. I wish I could say that I will snap my fingers and change the way I think. I won't pretend it's that easy. But next time the "hot moms" come to the pool, maybe I'll stay a bit longer, knowing that my little guy close by thinks I'm a hot mom too.

Even Mommies screw up - some days much worse than others

You know how you can go through days, maybe even weeks, where you think you're a great Mom? Where you're patting yourself on the back, telling yourself how hard you work for your kids, how great you are at comforting them, at being their cheerleader? Sure, you tell yourself, I'm not perfect, but I'm still pretty darn good. You almost get a bit prideful as you tell yourself how great of a job you're doing. Until God starts to see this pride and decides it's time to remind you that you still have a lot of room to grow.

This was me yesterday. I'd been feeling pretty proud of myself as Alex's mom. I'd been working with his doctors and insurance  to get him on the right medication (which seemed to take 10,000 phone calls), helped him deal with the different side effects, held him when he cried, when he was moody, or just didn't understand why he felt crazy inside.  I did my best to help him get to sleep when his body was fighting rest for all it was worth. I worked with his preschool to get him out of his contract there so he could go to summer camp and just have some fun. I had made fun plans to celebrate his preschool graduation and make sure he had a bunch of familiar faces there to cheer him on.

See, I was rocking it as a mom, wasn't I? Don't you want to pat me on the back? As you can tell, I thought I deserved it. That is until I forgot that my son is only five. He's not a mini adult, even though  at times he talks like one. He needs my patience even when I have none to give. He needs me to be understanding even when I don't feel like it. He needs me to bite my tongue when I just want to yell at him to calm down and go to sleep. He needs me to truly understand his personality, and know that yelling at him doesn't help anyway. It only hurts his feelings and makes him question my love. He needs me to put aside whatever I'm dealing with and be there for HIM.

He doesn't understand that Mommy had a rough day or is stressed or worried or frazzled or just plum exhausted. And at five years old, he shouldn't have to understand all that. It's not his job. His job is to enjoy his childhood, not to take care of Mommy or worry that she's going to take her frustration out on him.

And yesterday I got in the way of his job. I made it about me. I was in such a rush to get his ADHD "figured out" and "resolved" that I failed him. I was so focused on solving the "problem" that I lost track of him as a person. I lost track of the little guy who depends on me for most everything. And I wasn't there for him. And even though I did apologize and he said it was okay, I could see in his eyes that it wasn't. I could see how much I'd hurt him by not being more understanding, more patient, more loving.

And even though I wished I could just take back the whole evening, I knew that wasn't an option. So, I did the next best thing. I lay down next to him on the floor (which is where he decided he wanted to sleep after I snapped at him) and just held him until he fell asleep. And while we were lying there, every couple of minutes he would say "mommy, you yelled at me". And I would say "yes, baby, I did and I'm so sorry." We repeated that same script five or six times until he finally drifted off. But still I stayed with him for the next hour , just in case somehow me holding him was getting through to his subconscious. Like if I held him tightly enough, my love would seep through from my body into his. And sometimes as a Mom who screwed up, that's the best you can do.

You're the strongest Mommy I know

I would never categorize myself as someone who is very strong. It's just not a word I would use to describe myself. We all know I can be extremely emotional and get my feelings hurt easily. I don't do that well under pressure and don't handle change very well. I also tend to make decisions based on my gut. I don't say these things to put myself down - they are just facts about my I am. However, that being said, they are not characteristics of someone who is very strong in character. Or are they? Because my son seems to think differently.

On the way to taking Alex to school this morning (and yes, we seem to have our best conversations in the car), he was listing all the things he liked about me. You're the sweetest Mommy in the world, you're the prettiest Mommy in the world, you're the strongest Mommy I know....Wait, huh? Back up. I'll agree with the first (just kidding), the second is because he's incredibly biased and the third is just totally wrong.

I asked him why he thought Mommy was strong. Was it because I could lift him in the air and throw him on the bed? Was it because I could give him piggy back rides? Was it because I could carry multiple grocery bags at once? NO! he said. Not that kind of strong. Strong like a person. Okay, still not getting it....So, I asked several diferent ways what he meant. And this is what he told me: "You're strong when people get in your way. Like at the pharmacy when they won't get you my medicine. Or when the doctor doesn't call you back. Or all those thousands of phone calls you make to get me what I need. That's what I mean."

Well.....so many things ran through my head. First off, that I don't do NEARLY as good a job of shielding him from things as I thought I did. Secondly, we don't pay his preschool enough cause his verbal skills are through the roof. Third, well, I felt like he was proud of me. And I know, I know, as mothers, it's not about making our children proud. We are supposed to be molding THEM into good, well-behaved, intelligent people. But it was nice to hear that he thought this way about me.

But still, I wasn't sure he was right. Just yesterday I had been faced with some difficult news and told Matt that I just COULD NOT DO IT! That I was throwing up my hands. That I was giving up. That I didn't have it in me. And I know that those words have come out of my mouth MULTIPLE times. So, isn't that the opposite of strong? Doesn't that make me weak if I want to just give up and curl into a ball?

Then I was reminded of something I had read on Facebook: "when you are beating yourself up, take a minute to think of what you would say to a friend in the same situation." I would say this: "Saying you want to give up is not the same as actually giving up. It's okay to have times where you lose it emotionally. Things said in those moments don't really count. As long as the next hour or next day or maybe next week you pick yourself back up and face the challenge, you didn't actually give up."

Given this new situation, I was wondering if I could actually take in the words I would tell a friend. Could I actually believe that I was strong? I definitely won't go with the strongest mommy in the world, altough it's nice that my five year old thinks so......Looking back over the last few years, I can see lots of times I WANTED to give up, but can't see a time that I actually did. So, hopefully this time won't be the first. Maybe I just need to give myself another hour or day or possibly a week....Maybe strong is just right around the corner.

Fingers crossed.....

Best birthday ever

A little over six years ago I was at the doctor's office, consulting about what we needed to do to have a baby. I was telling him how stressed I was about turning 35 and not yet being a Mom. So many of the statistics showed that if you didn't have a baby before then, your odds significantly dropped and the chances of the child having problems went up. I told him that if we didn't get (and stay) pregnant by that day, I was going to stop trying.

I remember clear as if it was yesterday what he said. He asked me: "what do you think happens? That the angel-of-35 flys over your door, waves a wand and says 'poof now you're 35 and can't have children'? And just the way he asked it broke the tension and I broke into laughter. I got his point and knew in a way that he was right. But still, it had been a long road up until that point and I didn't think I could do it much longer. So, I set a deadline of my 35th birthday. I prayed to God and asked Him to make me a mother before then. And decided that if He didn't answer my prayer, we would look at other opportunities. Many of you know the rest of the story...the Friday before my 35th birthday (which was the next Wednesday), I found out we were pregnant with Alex. And I was given the greatest birthday present of all.

This morning I was trying to share that story with Alex (in five year old terms) and he asked "why do you think God waited until then? Was it because you told him that date?" I'd never asked myself that question so I had no answer for him. I floundered a bit and told him that it was just God's plan and we didn't always understand His timing.

That got me started thinking...and maybe it was thinking I should have done a long time ago. See, I have disliked birthdays for a long time....since my early 20's. There are lots of reasons why, but that's not really important. The fact is that I dread them. I find myself getting really cranky the week before it's coming up. Even knowing this, I can't seem to stop the moodiness. I normally just try wishing the day away and being happy when it's over. I noticed this again a couple days ago and tried talking myself out of it. Telling myself how blessed I am and that a birthday is not something to dread.

But it took that conversation with Alex this morning to get me to see how much I should LOVE my birthday. I was giving the most amazing gift six years ago and I should be celebrating THAT gift every year. Even if I don't want to celebrate getting older, I should be reminding myself of that feeling I had. Of being ecstatically happy and excited beyond belief. Of how God blessed me and answered my prayer. Do I know why He decided to make it my birthday present? I think I do now.....because He knew how much I disliked May 14th, how much I dreaded the day and how much I just waited for it to be over. He gave me something that would make me appreciate and celebrate the day.

So, starting today, I will have a different attitude about this day. I will remind myself that I have been incredibly blessed and this is a day to celebrate those blessings, not a day to dislike. Therefore, if any of you notice me getting cranky, moody, ornery, depressed, etc around my birthday, you have my full permission to smack me upside the head and remind me of this blog. :-)

Thanks to everyone of you who already have helped make this day even more special. I appreciate all your call, texts and messages. Love to all!

Paying It Forward

You know those days...the ones where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed for no reason? I went to bed on time, actually a bit early, got plenty of sleep, child slept through the night, nothing bad coming up in the day. Just, well, one of those days. And I couldn't put my finger on a single reason why. I could tell I was grumpy so was watching every word coming out of my mouth because I didn't want to take it out on Matt or Alex. Luckily I got us out the door and all the way to preschool and nothing negative came out of my mouth.

Then before I left the school, I checked my phone and saw I had a text from a friend. And this is what it said: "Just thinking of you this morning and wanted to let you know I love you and hope you have a fantastic day." And that's all it took. My day completely turned around. I got the biggest smile on my face and I decided right then to make it a great day. Because not only was I loved by this friend, I was reminded in that moment that I was loved by God. He had used that friend to help brighten up my day, I just knew it. That is how He works - he places people in our lives to help us through those moments, those days. And He has blessed me with SO many wonderful people, more than I truthfully deserve.

So, this morning I wanted to tell all of you that read this blog: please know that you are loved. Loved by me and loved by God. I hope that by hearing this it might also brighten your day. I know this one is short but I just had to pass on the message. Hope you all have a FANTASTIC day!

Love in Him, Vicki