Wow, what a crazy couple of days it has been!! So much to process in so little time. As most of you are aware, I had decided to stop all treatments and leave things in God's hands. I just couldn't face the rollercoaster of emotions. The high when I was hoping something would work and then the low of finding out it didn't. I was insisting to everyone that I wasn't giving up, I was just giving it to God. I was trying desperately to convince myself of that too. But it wasn't entirely true. Let's call it 50-50. I definitely have faith that God can heal, but I also was completely done. Done, done, done. I couldn't gather one more ounce of energy to fight anymore. If I were being completely honest (and I try very hard to be), I sunk into a bit of depression. Well, I'm sure my husband would probably say more than just "a bit".
So, when I found out the other day that there was another possible option, I jumped at it. Maybe too quickly....but it seemed to give me the kick in the you-know-what that I needed. I also took it as a sign from God because I wasn't researching the internet looking for treatments to bug my doctor about. This came to me without me trying. Of course, upon learning about the cost, I got scared and started doubting. Then I saw another friend's Go Fund Me page and thought that might be something to try. I was pretty sure my husband would say no because where I dislike asking for help, he really, really, REALLY hates it. But when he agreed it was worth a try, I moved ahead full force. Got the page created and started spreading the word.
And the reaction (for the most part) was so positive! People started offering to help with fundraisers and giving me ideas how to get out to Texas at no cost and offering places to stay. I was completely overwhelmed by it all. It was almost like people had just been WAITING for me to ask for help. Like finally I had given them some way to help us during this difficult time. Here they were helping ME and they were acting as if I was actually doing something for them. The love of God was shown through so many people yesterday! He was absolutely in charge of this.
But when things are going well, and it's obvious God has control of something, the devil will almost ALWAYS show up and try to wreck things. I saw it in a few comments I received yesterday. Like "it's a huge amount to ask for and it might offend some people". And "I really should have had someone else in charge of the page because it's better for a family member to ask for the money instead of me." And: "what if the treatment doesn't work? Will I feel guilty and want to pay everyone back?" And: "People might start getting sick of hearing so much about your cancer. They might start defriending you because they don't want to see it on their Facebook newsfeed". And that did happen - I had a couple people defriend me. And of course, when I found out, my feelings were a bit hurt. But I had to remind myself this isn't about friendships, it's about saving a life. Yes, that life is mine. And maybe it is more "acceptable" if the life were my son's or someone else, but that's not the case. So, if I annoy some people and they just wish I would go away, I can actually understand that. I'm annoyed with it myself so I can't imagine how everyone else around me feels.
Then I found out that an old rumor had come back around and it got back to me. And it stung. Stung BAD. Hurt me to the point that I just said "forget this. We're not doing this. We'll return everyone's money and we'll find another way." Yes, I have very thin skin. VERY! And I'm too bothered by what others think and believe. It's always been a problem for me. I wish I could say I'll change one day, but even though I'm better than I used to be, I know it won't ever completely go away.
So, last night I was up well past midnight praying about what God wanted me to do. Not what I THOUGHT He wanted from me, but His plan. I was on my knees for about an hour and didn't hear anything. It was just like white noise in my brain. But I was able to feel calmer. I was able to put the hurt and rejection and anger aside. After a bit longer, I decided I wasn't going to hear from God at that time. I finally fell asleep and about 4:30 am I was woken by Alex crying in his bed. He was having a bad dream, so I layed down next to him. He immediately turned his body towards me and wrapped his right arm around my neck. He stopped crying and settled down instantly.
And there was my answer. I'm not asking for this money for me. Because, honestly, if it weren't for being a Mom and wife, I know I would have given up long ago. It's been a very long three years. But when I decided to bring a child into this world, it stopped being about me. I don't have the PRIVILEGE of giving up. That is no longer up to me. So, if I hear people saying that my "story" doesn't add up. Or I learn of someone saying not to donate because who knows where the money is really going. Or I hear of someone getting annoyed by all the people who have shared my page. Or have someone question why my cancer keeps coming back and I'm doing this for attention....well, all I can say to them is: This isn't your life. It's mine. I'm doing the very best I can. I'm trying to fight this disease the only way I know how. It may not be the way you'd do it or even how my own husband would do it. This imperfect girl (very imperfect) is trying her hardest to fight a nasty disease. And that fight hasn't been perfect because I'm not perfect.
So, I come to you today asking a few favors. First, please, please, PLEASE do not feel obligated to donate just because you see my Go Fund Me page come across your newsfeed. Pray about it, think about it. If you feel led, I appreciate the help. I really, really, REALLY appreciate it. But if you don't feel led, that is okay too. It's impossible to help every cause that is circling around these days. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to help in order to be friends with me. I don't count friends by money spent. Never have and never will. Your love and support and prayers are worth far more to me.
Secondly, if you have questions or hear rumors or don't understand something I've said or done, please ask me directly. I will be as honest with you as I possibly can. Things can be cleared up MUCH easier when people communicate to/with each other than talking behind each other's backs.
Third, please know that this was a difficult decision for my husband and I to make. If we weren't feeling at the end of our ropes, we never would have asked for the help. And for two people who hate to ask for help, asking for this much help is SUPER hard. Please know we didn't decide this lightly.
Thank you to EVERYONE who has been supporting us through this journey. Fatigue has set in but I know God will rejuvenate my spirit to keep up the fight.
Blessings!
