Acting, not reacting

During my early twenties, there was a time that I couldn't step foot into a church. I'd had a huge falling out with my parents and the way they justified "disowning me" was to quote scripture verses. I had grown up in the church and my father at one point had planned on becoming a pastor before his life had taken a different course, so the Bible was often read in our home. But to have it used against me like that was just more than I could wrap my brain around. The whole situation was beyone upsetting, but the hardest part for me was the hypocrisy of it all. After that happened, I just couldn't be in a setting where a large group was praising God because I would look around and wonder: "who are the fake ones in this crowd?" like I thought my parents had been.

So, one day I sat on my couch and had a conversation with God. I told Him that I couldn't go back to the actual building, but I would have church at home. I promised that I would still have a relationship with Him but it would be just between us. It was the only way I could move forward without shutting Him out of my life completely. And it probably turned out to be the best thing for my spiritual health. It was at that moment it became about a personal relationship and not just going through the motions. I could sit there in my own home and talk to Him like He was a real friend, like He was sitting there right beside me. I learned that there was nothing I had to hold back because He already knew what I was thinking and feeling anyway. I didn't have to pretend, I didn't have to mince words, it didn't matter HOW I prayed or what fancy words I used. I could talk to Him in my sweats while I was working out, in my car while I was driving, while I was cooking dinner or outside walking my dog.

During this time of avoiding any church building, God showed me that I could be taught about His word in other ways, specifically by the people around me. He taught me to be more receptive to what I could learn from others. That the people coming in and out of my life were often placed there by Him for me to learn from. Sometimes it was to learn things about myself, like how I could be a better person. Sometimes it was to better understand His word. Sometimes it was to be taught how blessed I was. The list of things I've learned goes on and on. And even though I eventually returned to "the Church", I have tried to keep my mind open to what He wants me to learn outside of the building. Sometimes those teachings can give you a warm, fuzzy feeling. And other times, they cause you to take a long, hard look in the mirror and realize you need to change. Today was the latter.

As God taught me to be open to learning from others, He also taught me the teachings wouldn't always come from the place you most expect it. Some of the most profound things I've learned have not come from the typical "Christian", have not come from the person who looks perfect on paper. As much as I've had some incredible pastors through my life, they are not always the ones I learn the most from. It's often from the people I least expect it from. And Jaimie Sullivan from Jersey Belle is one of those people. Some of you may not know who this is, but Bravo TV had (or hopefully still has) a show about her and her friends. She moved from New Jersey to a suburb of Birmingham and it followed her as she tried to fit into a very different setting than she was used to. She is crass, in your face, tells it like it is, cusses, talks about her sex life like most of us discuss the weather and never apologizes for who she is. She also posts "cawfee talk" every morning on Facebook. And every morning I listen to it on the way to work. And like so many other days it really spoke to me, but today far more than others and I just had to share.

She talked about how she used to be far more reactive than she is today and how hard she has worked on that. She talked about how growing up no one taught her how to deal with her emotions and feelings so she learned to just stuff them inside. But by doing this, they were always just right below the surface so pretty much anything would set her off. She didn't have control of these reactions, they controlled her. And so there are many things in her life she regrets because if she had acted and NOT REACTED, they all would have turned out much better. It was like she was describing me to a "t". That person is me. Every single solitary regret I have in my life, and unfortunately I have too many, are due to how I reacted to something. How I let my emotions get the best of me and didn't take a deep breath before letting the words spew out.

When I started writing this blog, I made a vow to myself that I would be transparent. That no matter what flaws I had, I wouldn't try to hide them. I would share the good, bad and the ugly. By putting it all out there, I thought I would maybe help someone else that might have made the same mistakes I have. Maybe help that person not feel so alone. I've felt a small sense of pride that I have shared so many of my shortcomings. I thought by "throwing back the curtain" (yes, I seem to like that phrase lately) and being raw and honest that I would learn more about myself and hopefully grow in the process. But looking back, I've written a lot of powerful, meaningful blogs. But have I TRULY grown in the process? Have I changed at all? Do I HONESTLY incorporate what I write about into my daily life? The harsh truth is that the answer has to be "no". I've allowed myself to be stuck at: here are all my thoughts, emotions, feelings, ideas and shortcomings; take me as I am.

But that place doesn't allow growth, the main thing I write about. It doesn't allow change, something that I claim is important. I'm still the same reactive person at 41 as I was at 39 when I started writing. And that really upset me when it hit me this morning. And as much as I wanted to turn away from that reality, I knew that it was God telling it to me. Even though it was delivered in an unconventional way through my Facebook page, on my cell phone, playing on my Bluetooth through my car stereo, while I was driving down Highway 280, it was still God. And He wasn't sharing it to be mean, He was sharing it with me so I would FINALLY get it. If I could change this ONE BIG THING, I could stop writing about all of my flaws and shortcomings because maybe there wouldn't be so many. I could stop feeling guilty for the people's feelings I hurt or the people I've alienated by being "too much" or the times I've lashed out at my husband in anger, because it wouldn't happen as often. If I make this one change in my life, I might actually like the person I see in the mirror every day.

Ouch!!!! Lots to think about today. Now that He has put this in my head, I have to pray for His help in making this change. Because at 41 years old, I'm pretty stuck in my ways - obviously, huh? Even as I write these words, it feels like a HUGE mountain to climb. How will I do it? How can I work on this? Well, my guess is that if He could use this person I've never met to get the message across to me, He can help me do the work that needs to be done. Please keep your fingers crossed that I will keep my eyes on Him and don't lose this powerful message as the rest of the day goes on.

Thank you to all of you who continue to read all my crazy thoughts. I appreciate all of you being part of my life and loving me no matter how insane I can get. Happy Friday! I think we've all earned a great weekend. Love to you all!

Envy.....ughhhhh! It's a terrible thing!

You know those days where you turn on Facebook and you see a post about someone's vacation or someone's new house or someone's new job promotion or someone's ultrasound picture for a new pregnancy? And you get jealous? And you think that you should never admit that to anyone? Well, I'm pulling back the curtain today and admitting my jealousy this morning. I don't admit it because I'm proud of it. I admit it because I feel incredible guilt over it and it makes me think I haven't grown like I thought I had. And then I became really embarassed and started beating myself up over it.

But then a small little voice inside my head said that I couldn't be the only one who feels this way from time to time. And that we're only human - imperfect, full of flaws, sinners. Yes, envy is a sin. And I can understand why - because it can eat you up. It can make you feel like your life isn't "good enough" or that you as a person aren't "good enough" because you don't have what the other person has. You start asking yourself "what have they done that I haven't to afford that?" Or "what have I done WRONG that God isn't allowing me to have that"? Or "why does that person have more friends than I do? Am I that bad of a person?" All these thoughts can take you down a really negative rabbit hole. And it was one that I thought I'd moved past. But it crept up like a beast this morning again. And that is really where the shame came from. Because I thought God had taught me the lesson a few months ago....but I obviously needed a refresher course.

Over the past six months or so, my family has been dealing with a couple issues that we haven't been sharing with everyone. Partly because we don't want to burden those around us, partly because we don't want to deal with a ton of extra opinions and partly because putting things "out there" makes it more real. Well, when you keep some things secret from your friends/inner circle, it can start to make you feel a bit isolated. Because you're holding things back and maybe not being as sociable/outgoing as you normally would. But something else can happen as well - since you're holding something negative inside that negativity can start to eat away at you, like a cancer.  And you can start to feel jealous/envious of those around you; those that you think have it so much easier. And you start to think "if only". If only we had their "perfect life". If only we had their financial situation, their ability to travel, their standing in the community, their social network, their extended family, etc, etc. And the jealousy starts to take hold. And you can feel the bitterness start to slowly eat away at your heart. I'm ashamed to admit this was happening to me. Until...

One day we found out that a husband and wife close to us had been dealing with an issue we had no clue about. On the outside, their life looked incredibly perfect. Perfect marriage and family, always happy, never seemed to have a negative word to say, tons of friends, etc, etc. They live out of state, but through the wonders of Facebook, I've been able to watch how "perfect" their life was. But that Friday evening I learned a very poweful lesson - what people show you is NOT what is truly going on. People show you what they WANT to show you, what they choose to show you, just like Matt and I had been doing. This "perfect" couple had been dealt a serious blow to their "perfect" world and I felt like the wind had been taken out of my sails. This was the couple I wanted to be, wished I could be like. But it wasn't all so perfect after all.

And I just was stunned. I had a million emotions running through my head at the same time. Incredible, overwhelming sadness for what they were dealing with. Anger at God for letting them go through this situation. Shock that I had no clue whatsoever. But most of all, terrible shame that I had been so envious of their lives. Writing this today, I can see that moment in my head clear as if it was yesterday. I just sat and stared at the wall for the longest time. I just couldn't even get myself to speak. Matt asked me what was going on and I had to write it down for him. That's how at a loss for words I was.

I had been so consumed by what was going on in our own world. I had allowed myself to think that others in our circle had it so much easier than us. But they didn't. They don't. And in that moment, sitting in Alex's room watching him sleep because it gave me peace, I promised God that I would never be envious of someone again. And then darn it if today I didn't break that promise. I could blame social media and how it screws with your mind. I could blame the fact that I'm sick and it's been a long week. I could blame a thousand things. But I won't. I blame myself for ALLOWING myself to get caught up in the trap again. It was my CHOICE to react that way, to have those feelings. And the way my brain was working today, I could very well have stayed in that place all day. But we have a loving God and he helped me out of the rabbit hole.

As I was stuck in traffic at a stop light (just to clarify that I wasn't reading FB and driving) I came across one of my favorite morning inspirations - Jaimie Sullivan's (from Jersey Belle) "cawfee talk". I listened to it and part of her message was being thankful for what we have. That wasn't an accident. Then soon after I got to work, I got a phone call from a dear friend who really lifted my spirits. Then I got a text from my sister-in-law that really brightened my day. It's amazing how I always get texts from her at the exact moment I need them. Again, not an accident. And I realized that this was God's way of helping me out of my funk. It was okay that I had failed. He wasn't blaming me or punishing me. He was just reminding me that I do have a darn good life and I need to appreciate it.

I can't say that I won't be jealous or envious again and God won't have to help me out in the future with this sin. But I'm thankful for the ways that He is there to gently remind me that the grass isn't greener on the other side. My own is a pretty wonderful shade. And I need to enjoy it every. single. day.

Happy Friday to everyone. I hope you enjoy your own green grass today. Love to you all!