Why does it matter so much?.

When I was going through my cancer treatments, as most of you are already aware, I had a couple people who said I didn't act like the "normal" cancer patient - whatever that is. It really bothered me at the time and I felt the need to explain why I handled things the way I did. And when God miraculously removed the cancer from my body, these same few people questioned it. Again, I felt I had to explain it to them, get them to understand. One person asked me, "why does it matter so much to you what I think?" At the time, I thought it was the simple fact of being doubted, which is difficult enough.

But it hit me this morning that there is another reason it bothered me so much. If people doubted me, that means they were doubting God because of ME. Because it wasn't my story, it was His. I have a problem with feeling guilty a lot, and I realized today that I have been carrying guilt because of this. Not because I actually did something wrong, but because there are people who THINK I did something wrong. And I have felt like that has to somehow be my fault. And that could be hindering God's message.

See, I have a strong belief that I am here on this earth to share God's word, His love, His message and His story of salvation. I also feel that if I can't get that message across properly, that is MY fault, not God's. Because He is perfect, and, of course, I am not. Therefore, in my mind, if I somehow turned people off with the way I handled my cancer battle and they therefore don't believe my miracle, I am at fault. I should have done something different, said something different, explained it better. And if I keep someone from God because of them doubting ME, I have to find a way to fix that. Because God curing my cancer is something I should be sharing with the world. I HAVE to make sure people hear the story AND believe it.

What do I do with that guilt, that pressure to make others believe? I can't just hit them over the head until they believe, although there are times I have wanted to. I can't keep writing about it because I'm sure those few people don't even read this blog. What does that leave me? Prayer. I need to pray that whatever I said or did to cause them to doubt, is changed by God in their minds. NOT for my sake. NOT to have their friendship. NOT because I actually did anything wrong. NOT to make myself feel better. But because Gods story needs to be heard and believed. And I don't want to be the one in His way. I CAN'T be the one in His way - I won't be able to live with myself.

So, starting today, the times that I am worried about this particular issue, I will turn to prayer. I will be praying that God shows me the opportunities for sharing His story, that God will forgive me for not being the best at sharing this story and that God will open the ears and the minds of those who have doubted. If anyone wants to join me in these prayers, I would greatly a appreciate it.

Thank you for reading and God bless you!

How do I share my story without making it about me?

As some of you are already aware, I've been asked to speak at a cancer support group the second week in February. A friend had turned in my story, along with several blog posts regarding my cancer journey. At first I really wanted to say no. I'm a writer, I'm not a speaker. And at the time, I so badly wanted to just put an end to the whole thing. I'd reached remission and wanted to just say "story over", time to move on.

But then I felt like God was trying to work through me and I couldn't say no. So, since it's rude to say no to God, I agreed. I've sat down to write my speech a dozen times. And have come up with nothing, nada, zilch. Not a single line. I have no idea where to start. And because of the way I write, without a beginning, there's no middle or an end. I don't do an outline, I don't plan ahead what to say, I don't do re-writes. I just put my fingers on the keyboard and keep going until I feel like I've "said" what I needed to "say".

So, when I have writer's block, I really don't know how to get past it. And this is the epitome of writer's block. Each way I look at it, I'm not saying the right thing. If I approach it one way, it's bragging that I'm cancer free. Another way, I'm not giving enough glory to God. A different way, people will think it was just a series of miracles without the hell in between. And as much as I'm so very thankful and so incredibly blessed, it was the hardest two years of my life.

Yesterday I briefly mentioned to my family how hard it was to know what to say. And in my head, I was planning on canceling the whole thing. I figured it was a sign that I wasn't actually supposed to do this at all. That is until I walked past a book at my in-laws house. I can't explain it, but this book pretty much jumped off the shelf, crying "read me, read me." The book is called 'Until I Say Goodbye: My Year of Living with Joy' by Susan Spencer-Wendel. It is the author's story of being diagnosed with ALS and how she spent her last year....living with Joy. She set out to live her life to the fullest, knowing there would be no cure. She was going to die, no ifs ands or buts about it. And it wouldn't be an easy passing; her muscles would all slowly die while her mind would stay completely the intact.

Throughout her last year, she took individual trips with her husband, three kids, sister and best friend. She wrote her will, she planned her funeral, wrote out a DNR, took over the family's finances so they'd be set once she passed, gave instructions on who she wanted to assist her husband in raising the children, etc, etc. So many things I had been thinking about during my battle with cancer. And things I now don't have to worry about.

Now I can actually live my life instead of planning my death. I can make plans to go to Florida next month. I can plan on being there for Alex's first day of kindergarten, his first day of middle school and high school. I'll be there when he marries his future wife and when my grandbabies are born. I don't have to plan my goodbyes because I'm not going anywhere; God is letting me stick around. And that is a story worth telling.

As I finished the book today, it hit me that it wasn't just my story - it's God's story - so I have no right to say no. Just as Susan shared the story of her LAST year, it was my job to share how this WASN'T mine. I will have lots and lots and lots more years to live. And it's almost my duty to tell people why. As much as I had wonderful doctors and nurses, great care by family and friends and a spirit that just wouldn't give up, my being cancer free has nothing to do with those things. God stepped in, put his hand inside me and wiped the cancer away. And since that doesn't happen every day, I have to tell the world, or at least twenty women in Hoover, Alabama about it. And instead of worrying about what to say, I just need to sit back and allow God to speak through me. I'm sure if he can miraculously rid a person of a terminal illness, he can write a speech. I just pray that I will be open enough to hear His words. Because they ARE worth sharing.

Thank you for reading. God bless you all.

The many people that matter that you didn't think would.

You make a million different decisions each day - which outfit to wear, what to eat for breakfast, which way to take to work, what to eat for lunch, what to make for dinner, to work out or not to work out, etc, etc. Some days there are bigger decisions to make: to call on a friend in need, to let go of a grudge, to change your child's daycare, to 'refresh' a house instead of moving, to NOT fight with your husband when you really want to. You get the drill. Some of these decisions are pretty meaningless and some of them end up changing your life in great ways.

Like changing your child's daycare. From the time Alex was 7 months until he was three years old, he went to a daycare right down the road. It started out as a small place and we were really happy there. It felt like an extension of our family. They really cared about Alex and took care of him through his different health issues. But as he got older and closer to three, we realized that he needed more of a preschool to keep him from being bored. The place he was at was also growing a bit too fast for their own good and let's just say, we were no longer seeing eye to eye.

As we started looking around for a new place, we realized we were getting a great bargain where he was at. Or were we? The price was pretty low, especially for the 280 corridor, but maybe the saying of "you get what you pay for" was accurate. Through our search, we learned that Alex could be getting a whole lot more but it would definitely cost us. And yes, that check was going to be hurt a bit to write each month, but we decided it would be well worth it. So, we had it narrowed down to three places and had to make the final decision. One preschool didn't carry their curriculum through the summer, so they got crossed off. We figured if we were going to be paying for preschool, we wanted 'school' all year round. After touring the other two places, we fell in love with Odyssey. It just seemed like the perfect fit for Alex and was right across the street from my work.

Now, at the time this seemed like an important decision, but I had no idea how much the school would come to mean to us, how much it would come to mean to Alex. Since his birth, we have tried to surround Alex with people that genuinely care about him, people that have his best interest at heart, people who love him almost as much as his family. This can be hard to make happen with a school, but we definitely hit the jackpot. I wish I had the space here to list all the ways they've shown they care, but a few come to mind that I wanted to write about today.

Soon after Alex started at Odyssey, he had the major surgery on his ear (where they had to scrape infection off his inner ear bone). I think he'd been there at the max a month. He had to be home for a week since he had a PICC line. But when he went back, the teachers had this HUGE get well card signed for him by all his classmates. I can STILL remember the way his eyes lit up. He REALLY felt that they cared about him and even mentioned it the other day. He asked me, "do you remember when I was sick and my class made me a card? That made me so happy." And as a parent, NOTHING makes you happier than when your child is happy.

Another time that meant so much to me, and to Alex, was when the class made me 'positive cards' (not get well cards, but cards with positive sayings) when I was going through my cancer treatments. When I showed up that day and got the gift, I could tell he was as overcome as I was. He kept bragging about how the teachers came up with the idea for "HIS mommy". The mailbox with those cards still sits in our house and he references it from time to time. A few weeks ago he pointed it out and said "my class loves us, don't they Mommy?" He said it with such feeling, like he knew they TRULY love him, that it's not just words. Their actions show it all the time.

And today, those actions spoke VERY loudly again. Alex has strep throat so missed the last two days of school. I knew his friends would have missed him, but what I wasn't prepared for was the teacher's response. When we walked in the door, her face lit up, she smiled really big and called him over for a hug. He ran to her with such glee, she grabbed him up and twirled him around. It warmed my heart like nothing else could. Some mothers may feel a bit jealous over the connection between their children and their caretakers, but I am thrilled by it. I'm over the moon that every day he goes somewhere to be loved, not just cared for. And there is a HUGE difference. One you pay for and the other is given from the heart.

So, today I am counting my blessings for this wonderful preschool my son goes to. Reading over this blog, I know it may come across like an advertisement for a school, but it's coming from a place of thankfulness. I'm thankful that we made a decision two years ago to take him out of a place that wasn't working. I'm thankful that we made the decision to place him where he's at. I'm thankful that God has provided for us financially so we could write that check every month. And lastly, I'm thankful for all the wonderful people there who look out for him when I can't. I know he's in the best place for him and I know it was all part of God's plan. I hope all the decisions I make today are just as good.

God bless you all and thank you for reading.

Honesty is the best policy

For the last couple of days, Alex has been fighting a cold and misbehaving at school. I've been trying to figure out if the two are related and if not, why he's been acting out. See, it can be hard to know when Alex is really under the weather because he never acts sick. There hasn't been ONE time that I've taken him to the doctor for a cold, ear ache, etc where the doctor HASN'T said "he doesn't look sick to me". He doesn't get tired, lethargic, whiny, or any of the "I don't feel well" attitudes the rest of us normally show. He stay his normal jumping, running, dancing-around-hyper-self. I wish I had a dollar for each time the doctor has checked his ears, expecting to find nothing, only to see he had a double ear infection.

So, I've been working with Alex on the need to communicate with the adults around him, specifically his teachers, when he feels bad. This was actually the last thing I reminded him yesterday when I dropped him off for school: "remember to tell your teacher if something doesn't feel good. Don't just act out and expect them to know why." Therefore, when I called to check on him around noon and got the following report, I was worried where the truth lay.

Turned out that Alex had been acting mean to his friends and he had been warned with going to the office. When asked why he was acting so poorly, his response was "I don't feel good." However, neither of his teachers believed him and I was told they thought he was saying it to get out of trouble. I was concerned which was the truth. Either Alex was actually lying to avoid punishment or I had a teacher not believing my son. And the only way I would know is by asking Alex himself.

I can imagine what you're thinking: He's not even five years old - how will you ever know if he's lying? Well, Matt and I, almost from birth (yes, exaggerating a bit) have stressed with Alex how important it is to tell the truth. We have hammered home how he will get in FAR more trouble for lying than for whatever 'bad' thing he might have done. We have both tried very hard to watch our reactions when he tells us something we might not want to hear, knowing that if we act upset, we might discourage this. We have always praised him for being honest even if it didn't get him anything in return. I know different parents have different things they worry about and for us it is having a child who is honest.

So, yesterday as I was driving to preschool, I was thinking how to approach Alex and ask him the truth. I decided if I wanted honesty, I would just be straightforward and honest with him. When I got there, I pulled up a chair next to him and said the following: "Alex, I know that today you got in trouble with your teachers and you told them you were acting out because you were sick. Now, you've never lied to me before, so I need to know the truth. Were you REALLY sick or did you say that to get out of trouble?" Without missing a beat, he said "to get out of trouble." I know it's kind of silly, but it was one of my proudest moments. I was SOOOOO happy that he told me the truth! It didn't change the fact that he had misbehaved (something I still I had to deal with), but when really put on the spot, with nothing to gain, he was honest with me. I couldn't wait to tell Matt!

See, the reason that it's so important for me to have an honest child, is because the one thing I hate the most is a liar. And if I can't stand a liar, I certainly don't want to be raising one. For a multitude of reasons I won't list today, I have an almost physical reaction to being lied to. I would rather you slap me in the face or run over my foot than lie to me. In my eyes, it is the ultimate betrayal.

This is probably why I had such an extreme reaction to being told at church that there was doubt about my miracle 'story'. Call me a lot of things: dramatic, check. Emotional, yep. Hot-headed, yes sir. Needy, can't deny it. But PLEASE, I beg of you, do not EVER call me a liar. Because I'm not one. And especially hearing it at church, a place I considered my 'safe-haven', my family....well, it hurt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I would have thought that anyone who read my blog would know that I am honest, often to a fault. I have shared things on this site that most people wouldn't dream of. Probably to the embarassment of my family, a couple times even to my own embarassment. But once I've thought about it, I have realized that I didn't need to be embarassed since I was always telling the truth. I wasn't using it to hurt anyone and normally I was just 'telling' on myself.

So, to have anyone question my integrity or honesty was incredibly hurtful and confusing to me. It made me want to run away and never go back. But then I realized that if I did leave the church, it would appear as if I WAS a liar. That if I had nothing to hide, I wasn't the one that needed to be ashamed crossing the threshold of God's building. Yes, people might have found it odd that I didn't share certain things about my cancer journey, but I shared what I NEEDED to share. I didn't talk about the medical details, because I had doctors and nurses for that. For me, the emotional side of the disease was what I needed to talk about. And for me, I used this blog and my Facebook page to get it off my chest. I didn't want to talk about it in person because I NEEDED, DESPERATELY NEEDED, that time to be my escape from cancer. If that seemed odd to people, of course they had the right to their opinion, but to question my truthfulness, well it felt really out of line.

There have been times since that day when I have wanted Matt to stand up in church to defend me. I have thought about taking pictures of my scars and showing them or taking pictures of my medical bills and posting them on this site or my Facebook page. But I knew those things were just an extreme reaction. Again, if I had nothing to hide, I had nothing to prove. But it doesn't stop the little voice in the back of my head that asks "how do I convince those people?" And yesterday after the situation at Alex's preschool, I got my answer.

Look at my son. See who he is. See the boy that we have raised. See the honest person that he is. Because even though yesterday on Facebook I posted that "it takes a village", those core values start at home. Honesty isn't taught at preschool or at church. It is taught by the parents. Yes, those other places, along with family and friends encourage those values, but they have to have a starting point. So, I strongly believe that Alex's honesty shows that his parents are honest people. And just like us, he is flawed. He can be hyper, doesn't sit still well, doesn't always listen, interrupts adults when he shouldn't and isn't a great eater. But he is, at his core, an HONEST child. And that is what makes me incredibly proud. Proud of him, and proud of his parents. It shows me that we are doing something right. And even if there are still people out there who doubt my 'story', Alex knows what the truth is. And he is following our example. And even if he goes on to invent something wonderful or cure cancer, if he stays an honest person, THAT is what will keep me one proud mama.

God bless you and thanks for reading. Hope you all have a great day. :-)

How do you live up to three miracles?

Three miracles....it's a lot to live up to. And I have to be honest - I have been feeling unworthy. I just can't wrap my head around why God would give them to me; little ol' me, someone who hasn't done anything truly special. Seriously people, I haven't cured cancer, I haven't given fantastic speeches, I haven't brought thousands of people to Christ, I haven't invented anything. I'm just ordinary, run of the mill me.

I don't say that as a way of putting myself down. It's not a lack of self esteem here (okay, maybe a bit), but I'm not anywhere near the category of Martin Luther King, Jr, Gandhi, Thomas Eddison, Albert Einstein or Mother Theresa. And since I find myself wondering "why me?" so often, I tell myself it's for what I'm GOING to do. Ahah! But that presents another problem cause it creates just a tad bit of pressure. If these miracles are for "future performance", I think I better hurry up and do something great before others start wondering "why me" as well.

Bear with me a second here.....I know none of my close friends and family members will EVER admit it, but it HAS to run through some of your minds "why her"? I don't say that at all as an accusation, but how can it not. Pretend for a second that you don't know me. Pretend you hear from a friend about this girl who went to a prayer and healing service after being told she would never have children. Then bingo, four weeks later she finds out she's pregnant. Then three years later she's diagnosed with cancer and bingo, the cancer is miraculously gone the weekend before her planned double mastectomy. Then that cancer comes back and she is given ANOTHER miracle where it is just gone in the span of four weeks with no treatment. Wouldn't you expect this person to be someone extra special? Well, I have to admit that I would. Maybe that's not very Christian of me, but in the back of my mind, in a place I wouldn't want to really face, I would be thinking: "wow, this girl must be amazing."

However, that girl is me. So, I have to come to terms with that question and also come to terms with accepting those miracles. It's a tough crossroad to be at. And since I have no idea what the future holds and what great things I MIGHT do, I have to live with being good enough today. And creating a life that shows God I am so appreciative of His gifts. But it still leaves me with "now what"?

And that question brought me back to Sunday School a few weeks ago. We were talking about making a change in the world and how you need to have a lot of money to inflict change. That in order to get enough power to make significant changes in our society, you have to be pretty wealthy. And with my wide-eyed naïveté, I disagreed. I stated that we can ALL make a change just by the way we treat others on a daily basis, by how we show God's love. I was speaking specifically that day about how great of an impact our small church has made on Alex. But with my "now what" question continuously going through my head, maybe I already have my answer from that day.

Maybe the answer is to be the best version of ME I can be. To take each day and make a POSITIVE impact on everyone I come in contact with. To take EACH opportunity given to show God's light through me. I know, it sounds incredible basic and a little bit childish. Like the kid's song "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."

Just think about the number of people we all come in contact with. Our spouses, kids, co-workers, friends, church members, grocery store clerks, etc. If I make an effort each day to make their day a little brighter, then each of them might have a better day. And in turn, each of them may brighten someone else's day, etc, etc. Yes, I know it's incredibly basic. But it's all I have right now. If I can't invent the perfect fat burner (kidding....partly) or write a sermon that brings thousands to God right now, I can definitely try and make the world around me a better place. And maybe I won't ever do something huge and great. Maybe I won't ever be remembered by thousands for anything special.

But when things looked really bleak and my mind would wander to "what do I want on my
tombstone?", it was the basics: 'Loved wife, mother and friend'. And since I'm already those three things, maybe it's as simple as being the best wife, mother and friend I can be. And let THAT be my greatness. Let those things be how I'm remembered when I do finally leave this earth. And until (or if) The Lord shows me something else He wants me to be doing, I will just perform those roles to the best of my ability. And it helps that I already know how to handle those jobs....now I just need to take each day as it comes and be the best ME I can be. Maybe it truly is THAT simple.

God bless you all and thank you for reading.

What is the true definition of family?

So, yep, I'm back to writing...and back to this blog format. I couldn't figure out how to stop the other blog from going to everyone automatically, so I just decided to start over again. I really thought with the cancer behind me that I wouldn't have much to write about anyway.....until today.

Since I've been home this week recovering, I've been watching a lot of sappy Christmas movies. I've truly been in a "counting my blessings" mood, knowing I have SOOOOO much to be thankful for this season. It's made me feel a bit more charitable to those who have wronged me, which can be good or bad. Today it has been both.

But let me back up a bit. I think I've shared with you all that as part of my treatment through the Cancer Center of America, I was assigned a counselor. The center feels that to treat a patient, you need to treat the WHOLE person: body, mind and emotions. Once I found out the cancer was gone from my body, I thought I would lose this counselor. But as part of my cancer rider through my insurance, I get to speak with the counselor for six months past remission. There are a lot of emotions, as I have found out, that come up once the patient is "cured". I've been lucky enough to have this doctor to speak to regarding my own emotional roller coaster.

During one of these "sessions", she brought up letting my family know about being cancer free. I explained that, especially with my parents, it always ended up in a very negative, confrontational way. I told her that I didn't see the point and that I didn't need any more emotions to deal with right now. She, however, disagreed with me. She felt like God had given me this new life and if I was going to make the most of it, I needed to FULLY put the past in the past. I started to agree since there is part of my past I have never remembered, have tried to recreate to no avail and my parents would never be straight with me about. So, she offered to reach out to them with my permission, which takes me back to the being charitable part. I decided I had to give a little to see if I could get answers that would help me finally leave my "old life" behind me.

Well, the counselor did get me some answers, and for that I'm thankful. But, as I expected, it did end on a negative and confrontational note. As I was processing that over the past couple days, I started asking myself "now what"? How am I going to let this define me? In the past I've gone in one of two directions - A: trying to replace the family I lost with other people or B: trying to "fix" the relationship with my biological family. However, with this "new life" God has given me, I'm starting to understand that there is a 'C'. And that is: happily accepting the family I currently have. Not feeling the need to fix or replace. Because who says that a family is a certain size? Who says that Alex needs a certain amount of people in his life, or for that matter, in MY life?

Somehow, through this last go around, I am realizing that  I am enough, WE are enough - Alex, Matt, me and Matt's family. We may be a small group, but we love each other, we're there for each other. We've been through plenty of ups and downs together, but we've come out on the other side better, stronger and closer. By me constantly feeling the need to "fix or replace", I'm putting down what I already have, putting myself down in fact. Family isn't a certain size; family is the love between the individuals. And there is plenty of love here. And even if there is never some big reconciliation with my family, I am okay with that. NOT because I've replaced them, but because ME, MYSELF AND I, are okay. This family I have is okay - more than okay. I have a wonderful son, husband, father-in-law, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, grandmother-in-law, niece and nephew. And that makes me so incredibly blessed and tis the season to be thankful for my blessings.

So, tonight I say thank you God specifically for my wonderful family. For surrounding me with HIS love and THEIR love. Without either I would be lost.......and since I'm NOT lost, I guess I can say they're like my GPS - keeping me focused in the right direction. And I think we can ALL agree I need a lot of help with that.

God bless you all and thanks for reading.