Since I found out I was pregnant, I started a list in my head of all the things I wanted to teach Alex: to be tough, yet sensitive. To be sweet and kind, but not let anyone walk over him. To enjoy life, to laugh and be silly. To be respectful of Matt and I and especially, to LOVE the Lord. As all parents do, I've spent many a night, wide awake, worrying how I'm doing as a mother. Is he learning all the things I want him to? Is he becoming the little man I pray for? Or am I failing him and making a bazillion mistakes.
But lately it seems like HE is the one teaching me. He's growing into his own person and getting me to see the world through HIS eyes. And I have to admit, life as seen by a five year old is MUCH more fun!
Driving down the road, he'll point out how beautiful the clouds or sunset is - things I would most likely not even notice because I'd be too busy. Too busy worrying about things nowhere near as breathtaking as these sights.
At bedtime, if I forget the nightly prayer, he will remind me. And listening to him talk to the man upstairs, it brings me back to the basics. He thanks God for me, his Daddy, the dogs, the cat, his grandparents, his cousins, our friends, his church, the sun, the moon and all the love in the world. Really, what else is there?
He reminds me that God told us not to hate, that hate is bad and it makes Him sad. He tells me that we should love each other because that's what makes Him happy. And boy, there are days I REALLY need that reminder.
Last night, he couldn't reach his blanky and he asked for my help. I am teaching him that he doesn't need Mommy's help for everything so I said "you can get it yourself". He told me that wasn't very nice because God taught us to help each other and be a team and that I wasn't being a good team player. It was an eye opening moment that showed me how my "teaching moment" was focused in the wrong area.
One of the songs on my iPod is "Just the way you are" by Bruno Mars. I've heard that song a thousand times before, and thought I knew it by heart. That is until Alex started singing the words to me and decided it was "our song". He asked me if I'd ever truly listened to the words. I of course said "yes". He told me to listen again because it's how he felt about me. It's amazing how you get a different perspective when listening as your child would.
Over the last several weeks, we've been in different situations where Alex has met a bunch of new people. Birthday parties, a wedding, summer camp, etc. And each time when he plays with someone, they become his "best" friend. Not just a new friend, but his BEST friend. He told me this morning that he's so lucky to have so many BEST friends. If only adults could look at it the same way - that each new person brought into our lives could be a BEST friend.
It's no secret that Alex is small for his age. And there are times that I worry about that. I worry that he'll get picked on. I worry that he'll feel like he doesn't fit in with the other kids. I worry that he'll get scared around bigger kids. And as I'm worrying, he's just living life and having a blast. This morning while I was getting ready for work, he told me he forgot to tell me a story about yesterday. He told me that one big kid was picking on him and it made him a little sad. But then a couple other kids told him he was really cute and asked him to play with them. He told me that those other kids were now his friends and the first boy just didn't matter. If only I could have the same outlook - to brush aside the ONE person who may make fun of me and embrace ALL THE OTHERS who want me around.
Sunday night after Alex was a ring bearer in a wedding, we were driving home together. He told me he was sad that the bride was moving away and he wouldn't see her anymore. But then he told me that she would always be in our hearts because that's where love stays. Such a great reminder that even though we may not see people face to face, it doesn't mean we lose them.
Last week, I was so worried about finding the right devotional, the right Bible verses, the right Christian songs to lead me through the day. And yes, those are all an important way to shape our reltationship with God. But today I realize that all these different "Alexisms" are also teaching me so much. I'm learning to have faith like a child, to embrace life like a child, to love like a child, and to enjoy EVERY little thing in the day like a child.
Thank you God for putting this special child in my life. I hope I keep learning from Him - because something tells me he still has a lot to share.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Feeling the worry and letting it go
Yesterday Alex had a pediatrician's appointment to see how he was doing on his medication and check his weight. About an hour beforehand, I could feel the worry creeping in. What if he'd lost weight? Would we need to change medications? Would we find one that would work with our insurance? Would she want to stop him altogether? He's calmer on the medication, so what would we do then. Each time one of these thoughts came up, I asked God to take them away. I prayed that he would ease my worry and help me deal with whatever scenario came up. So, by the time I picked up Alex, I was feeling much more peaceful. Until he stepped on the scale.....
36.5 lbs it read. Without realizing, i said "ughhhhhh, no". It was one of those things you think you said in your head until you look around and see the nurses looking at you. And then Alex looked at the nurses and said "my Mommy doesn't like scales." Leave it to my little guy to break the negative vibe with a joke. But even though I started laughing along with the others, the worry was back. And I found myself giving into it. I mean, come on God (I was thinking, not saying out loud this time), what am I supposed to do? Do we not have enough on our plates right now? How do you make a child eat that has absolutely no appetite? In that moment, it just felt like ONE. MORE. THING. One more thing I didn't know how to figure out. One more thing I didn't have the answers to. One more thing I felt like I'd been fighting forever and not getting anywhere.
When we went into the room, I got this feeling in the back of my head that I should be doing something. I couldn't figure out what it was. I checked my e-mails, my texts, facebook - nothing looked outstanding. Then I realized it was my subconscious reminding me to pray. I wasn't sure what to pray for, so I just prayed for peace.
The appointment actually went well. The doctor noticed that Alex was much calmer, but still had his same cute personality. We decided, together, that having him on something was helpful, but we needed to make a change. He was taking Adderall, which is in the ampethamine family of drugs, and it can be worse for reducing appetite and weight loss. The doctor was great about choosing a medicine that was covered by our insurance so I was feeling really good. Until....she seriously brought up his weight. She told me everything I already knew. He'd lost 3.5 lbs in less than two months, he was already underweight to begin with, now he was 5% on the weight chart, at this age he should be gaining, not losing, etc. She went through all different ways to try to get him to eat, all things I had tried. She ended the appointment by saying we would check his weight in a month and if he'd lost any more weight, we'd have to come up with a plan. I wasn't sure what else we could try so I just said okay.
On the way home, I continued to pray for peace. I prayed that God would keep the worry from coming back. That He would let me know He had it under control. I told myself that we were so blessed because Alex's ears looked crystal clear and that in itself is HUGE. I told myself that in the scheme of all the other things Alex has dealth with health-wise, this wasn't nearly as bad. I reminded myself that we had figured all the other things out and we would this one too.
But I still had a heaviness on my chest. Even though I was praying, I could tell I wasn't totally releasing the situation to God. I got Alex his dinner (yeah, he was eating!) and sat down with my iPad to read one of my daily devotionals. And found my comfort. Here was my prayer for yesterday:
"Dear Jesus, you know that I often let circumstances determine my happiness. You know that I often allow the killjoys of problems and pressures to rob my happiness. Help me to look at every problem in my life from your viewpoint. I want to handle problems in a way that is a witness to nonbelievers and an encouragement to believers. As for the things that happen that I don't understand or can't figure out, I want to trust you to work it all out for good. Help me to stay focused on your purpose for my life and not my problems. In your name I pray, Amen."
Perfect words for the day. And the heaviness on my chest disappeared. And I truly gave the situation to Him, I released it. There was nothing I could do that I hadn't already tried. Me worrying about it wasn't going to change a thing anyway. All I can do is get Alex to eat as much as possible when he IS hungry. Well, and also to remember to pray. So, today I pray that God will hold my son in His hands and take care of all areas of his health. To help the doctor and I make the right decisions. And to help me feel calm about those decisions. And to remember that He is in charge of the situation, NOT me.
Hope everyone has a fantastic day - a day that He made just for us.
36.5 lbs it read. Without realizing, i said "ughhhhhh, no". It was one of those things you think you said in your head until you look around and see the nurses looking at you. And then Alex looked at the nurses and said "my Mommy doesn't like scales." Leave it to my little guy to break the negative vibe with a joke. But even though I started laughing along with the others, the worry was back. And I found myself giving into it. I mean, come on God (I was thinking, not saying out loud this time), what am I supposed to do? Do we not have enough on our plates right now? How do you make a child eat that has absolutely no appetite? In that moment, it just felt like ONE. MORE. THING. One more thing I didn't know how to figure out. One more thing I didn't have the answers to. One more thing I felt like I'd been fighting forever and not getting anywhere.
When we went into the room, I got this feeling in the back of my head that I should be doing something. I couldn't figure out what it was. I checked my e-mails, my texts, facebook - nothing looked outstanding. Then I realized it was my subconscious reminding me to pray. I wasn't sure what to pray for, so I just prayed for peace.
The appointment actually went well. The doctor noticed that Alex was much calmer, but still had his same cute personality. We decided, together, that having him on something was helpful, but we needed to make a change. He was taking Adderall, which is in the ampethamine family of drugs, and it can be worse for reducing appetite and weight loss. The doctor was great about choosing a medicine that was covered by our insurance so I was feeling really good. Until....she seriously brought up his weight. She told me everything I already knew. He'd lost 3.5 lbs in less than two months, he was already underweight to begin with, now he was 5% on the weight chart, at this age he should be gaining, not losing, etc. She went through all different ways to try to get him to eat, all things I had tried. She ended the appointment by saying we would check his weight in a month and if he'd lost any more weight, we'd have to come up with a plan. I wasn't sure what else we could try so I just said okay.
On the way home, I continued to pray for peace. I prayed that God would keep the worry from coming back. That He would let me know He had it under control. I told myself that we were so blessed because Alex's ears looked crystal clear and that in itself is HUGE. I told myself that in the scheme of all the other things Alex has dealth with health-wise, this wasn't nearly as bad. I reminded myself that we had figured all the other things out and we would this one too.
But I still had a heaviness on my chest. Even though I was praying, I could tell I wasn't totally releasing the situation to God. I got Alex his dinner (yeah, he was eating!) and sat down with my iPad to read one of my daily devotionals. And found my comfort. Here was my prayer for yesterday:
"Dear Jesus, you know that I often let circumstances determine my happiness. You know that I often allow the killjoys of problems and pressures to rob my happiness. Help me to look at every problem in my life from your viewpoint. I want to handle problems in a way that is a witness to nonbelievers and an encouragement to believers. As for the things that happen that I don't understand or can't figure out, I want to trust you to work it all out for good. Help me to stay focused on your purpose for my life and not my problems. In your name I pray, Amen."
Perfect words for the day. And the heaviness on my chest disappeared. And I truly gave the situation to Him, I released it. There was nothing I could do that I hadn't already tried. Me worrying about it wasn't going to change a thing anyway. All I can do is get Alex to eat as much as possible when he IS hungry. Well, and also to remember to pray. So, today I pray that God will hold my son in His hands and take care of all areas of his health. To help the doctor and I make the right decisions. And to help me feel calm about those decisions. And to remember that He is in charge of the situation, NOT me.
Hope everyone has a fantastic day - a day that He made just for us.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Being proud....and okay with that
The other day I was catching up on Facebook and read a post from a friend. She wrote that she was proud of herself as a mom and watching her son, she must have done something right. I had to re-read it because I thought I got it wrong at first. NOT that I disagreed - she IS a great Mom and has a wonderful son who I ADORE.
But I'm more use to reading posts where we doubt ourselves as moms, where we question ourselves or vent about a rough day with our kids. And here a mom was stating that she was proud of herself and I thought I read it wrong. And it got me asking: why? Are we groomed as women to be so modest that we fear it's wrong to celebrate our success? Do we think it's too prideful to announce how awesome we are? Are we worried that if we say "look at me, I truly ROCK" that someone will say, "no, really you don't"?
What made this post even more interesting to me is it was from a younger mom (younger to me means under 30, just so you know). Here I am, 41 years old, and I don't know that I would have felt comfortable enough to say that to the world. I still have enough doubt in myself as a mom and as an individual that I can't just celebrate, well, me. I may say I did this or that well, or I'm proud of the job I did on a certain task. But do I have enough confidence in myself to post "I am truly proud of the mother I am. Looking at my son, I must have done something right"? It is easy for me to praise Alex and the child he is, but not for me to take credit for that.
And again, I have to ask "why?" When he does something wrong, I quickly jump in to say "I'm sorry" for how he acted. Like I have some responsibility for his actions. So, if I can be held accountable for his negative actions, can't I also be praise for his positive ones. Isn't it fair to say that (along with my husband, of course) I have raised a fantastic child? He didn't just wander alone in the woods for 5 1/2 years and turn out this way on his own. I worked and prayed hard to help him become the person he is today.
To my friend who has more bravery in her twenties than I do at 41, I say thank you. Thank you for showing me it's okay to say "I'm an awesome Mom". Thank you for singing your own praises. They deserve to be sung! I hope you sing them every day and that others around you sing them too. And to all my other mom friends reading this (deep breath here), repeat after me: I am TRULY proud of the job I've done as a Mom. I have helped create, guide, mold, educate, and LOVED my precious child(ren) and they would NOT be who they are without me.
Was it hard to say? Yep, for me too. But I'm going to try and say it to myself every day until it sinks in. I hope you will join me and also sing your praises. I think it needs to be done.
God bless and here's to a fantastic new week. 😃😃😃
But I'm more use to reading posts where we doubt ourselves as moms, where we question ourselves or vent about a rough day with our kids. And here a mom was stating that she was proud of herself and I thought I read it wrong. And it got me asking: why? Are we groomed as women to be so modest that we fear it's wrong to celebrate our success? Do we think it's too prideful to announce how awesome we are? Are we worried that if we say "look at me, I truly ROCK" that someone will say, "no, really you don't"?
What made this post even more interesting to me is it was from a younger mom (younger to me means under 30, just so you know). Here I am, 41 years old, and I don't know that I would have felt comfortable enough to say that to the world. I still have enough doubt in myself as a mom and as an individual that I can't just celebrate, well, me. I may say I did this or that well, or I'm proud of the job I did on a certain task. But do I have enough confidence in myself to post "I am truly proud of the mother I am. Looking at my son, I must have done something right"? It is easy for me to praise Alex and the child he is, but not for me to take credit for that.
And again, I have to ask "why?" When he does something wrong, I quickly jump in to say "I'm sorry" for how he acted. Like I have some responsibility for his actions. So, if I can be held accountable for his negative actions, can't I also be praise for his positive ones. Isn't it fair to say that (along with my husband, of course) I have raised a fantastic child? He didn't just wander alone in the woods for 5 1/2 years and turn out this way on his own. I worked and prayed hard to help him become the person he is today.
To my friend who has more bravery in her twenties than I do at 41, I say thank you. Thank you for showing me it's okay to say "I'm an awesome Mom". Thank you for singing your own praises. They deserve to be sung! I hope you sing them every day and that others around you sing them too. And to all my other mom friends reading this (deep breath here), repeat after me: I am TRULY proud of the job I've done as a Mom. I have helped create, guide, mold, educate, and LOVED my precious child(ren) and they would NOT be who they are without me.
Was it hard to say? Yep, for me too. But I'm going to try and say it to myself every day until it sinks in. I hope you will join me and also sing your praises. I think it needs to be done.
God bless and here's to a fantastic new week. 😃😃😃
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