I have a dear friend who asked me one day why I tend to write about the things I need to fix instead of the great things about myself. She felt so strongly about it that she wrote a list of the "great things about Vicki" and sent it to me (I blogged about that a few weeks ago). I explained to her that it's much easier for me to make a list of all my faults. Also, isn't it kinda vain to blog about how wonderful I am? I'm not sure who would read that. ;-)
Well, this morning driving into work that friend's voice was in my ear, pointing out something that I'd done right. So, today is going to be a little different. No, I won't be losing all modesty and detailing all the ways that Vicki is awesome, but I am going to take a moment to pat myself on the back. More as a reminder to myself on how to handle similar situations in the future. And maybe, just maybe, there's someone out there who this might help.
Most of you already know that I am an emotional person. A VERY emotional person. This is something I have always known about myself. It isn't something I woke up one day and said, girl, you are REALLY emotional. I've known it most of my life and had it pointed out repeatedly by others. But I used to think: "that's just who I am and I'm always going to be that way." Well, that is true, but up to a point. When I started trying to work on myself and become a better 'me', I decided I needed to change how I looked at that emotional side. Yes, I AM an emotional person and that won't ever change. But I CAN change how I HANDLE those emotions and how I react.
See, I have always been the person that reacts in the moment. I don't have the greatest of filters. If I get upset, that shows on my face immediately. There's no hiding it from anyone. I cry easily and often. I often think back to a Friends episode where Rachel is talking about how much she cries. She said: "I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm mad or upset. I cry when I'm frustrated. I cry when I lose at something and even when I win. I just cry ALL the time." Yes, it was meant for comedy, but that is pretty much true about me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and the way I show those emotions is often through tears.
Now, I don't really see tears as a bad thing. The truly negative part of how I used to handle my emotions was what I would say in the heat of the moment. I would say whatever came to mind and then want to take it back later. But often that is hard to do. People may forgive what you said, but it's hard for them to forget and most times the relationship is never the same again. Those outbursts have ruined a few good friendships over my 41 years. And even though I would say I was sorry a bazillion times over, who wants to be friends with someone who reacts like that? Some have decided it just wasn't worth the hassle.
So, this is something I've REALLY tried to work on. Like, really, really, REALLY work on. I think it helped a lot when I realized WHERE these emotional outbursts were coming from. The times I would get angry and lash out, it was coming from a place of hurt. When I felt like someone had 'wronged me' or treated me unfairly, I would try to hurt them back. This was subconscious for most of my life, but once I realized what I was doing, I was finally in a place to work on it and change it.
Last week I wrote about an email I received from a friend and how this really hurt me. When I received it, my emotions overtook me. I started crying pretty quickly and just couldn't stop. At the time I just didn't understand WHY it was sent. I couldn't grasp the other person's side of things. I couldn't make sense of the reasoning behind it. When I was removed from the situation for a day, I realized it was more about something I already worried about than what the person wrote. But in that moment, I was pretty devastated.
Luckily I knew (and another person pointed out to me) that this friend has a good heart and would NEVER intentionally hurt me. I also knew that this was a friendship that I didn't want to let go of. So, even though I was extremely emotional and confused, I didn't lash out in anger. I didn't get defensive. Yes, I wrote back and explained how I was feeling and defended myself a bit. But there is a huge difference in defending yourself and being defensive - one that I have only just recently learned. When you defend yourself, you have taken a moment to really think about what the other person is saying. When you get defensive, it's a reaction. It comes from a place of emotion not of thought. It comes from the heart, not the brain.
Yesterday I received a follow up email from that friend and because I hadn't lashed out and made a jerk of myself, we were able to discuss the situation. I was able to see the other side and further explain mine. We were both able to get our thoughts and feelings out. And we were able to move past it...the most important part.
In the past I would have felt JUSTIFIED to have reacted in anger. I would have said that this person had NO RIGHT to say such and such and I had every right to be upset. If we had stopped being friends over it, I would have stated that it was because the other person was wrong. But in the back of my mind I would have always wondered if it was more my fault. And then I would have felt guilty. And ashamed. And embarassed.
But because I took a moment, just a moment, to think and not react, the friendship is still intact and probably closer than before. And today that feels pretty darn good. So, to my friend who asked me to write about something I've done right, this one's for you.
God bless and hope you all have a fantastic day!
