Some of you may know that I have closely followed Kara Tippetts' fight with cancer. She was a 39 year old Christian author, wife and mother of four who battled breast cancer. Around December of last year she found that it had metastasized to many other parts of her body, including her brain. At that time, the doctors decided that the fight was over; there were no treatments left to try. A couple of months ago, she was moved home to spend her last days and put under hospice care. On Sunday, Kara went home to be with Jesus.
I first came across Kara on Facebook because several other friends were following her page. Then I learned about her book 'The Hardest Peace', which documented how she dealt with her disease and how she relied on her faith to get her through. As hard as it was some days to read, that book became almost my manual for how to cope with my own cancer fight. She was my inspiration for how to live in faith, not just to talk about it. When I wanted to give up, her words reminded me that I was not in this alone - God was simply waiting for me to lean on him.
Several weeks ago, I wrote to Kara to tell her how much she had helped me and to let her know I was praying for her. To my surprise, she wrote back and said she would also be praying for me. I couldn't believe, in her state, that she was still thinking of others. But from what I can tell, that is just the type of person she was. And so started our connection. We emailed back and forth a few more times and each time she sent me encouragement, love and words of faith.
As Kara's days were coming to an end, I found myself checking Facebook daily to see if she had a post. Each time that I didn't find one, I worried that she had passed. As much as I was worrying about her, I was also worried about myself. In the back of my mind, I really thought there would be a miracle and God would cure her. I just couldn't imagine Him taking someone so pure of heart, love, joy, wisdom and faith. And if He did, what would that mean for me? I kept thinking: if He doesn't save her, WHY on earth would He save me?
On Sunday I learned she had made the trip to Heaven and I was in shock. I just couldn't believe it. What happened to her miracle? She was MORE than deserving of it, so why didn't she get it? For the first couple hours of the day, I was scared out of my mind. Just a few days before we found out my radiation hadn't worked and I was already worried about my own future. And now Kara was gone.....I just kept replaying the same thing over and over in my head: if not save her, why me? What chance did I really have for my own miracle?
And then God gave me the answer. Because He hadn't saved her, I had hope. Bear with me here.....If God had cured Kara of her cancer because she was such an amazing Christian and so deserving and loving and caring, then I truly had no chance. I could never live up to her standards - not in a million years. However, for some reason, He allowed the cancer to bring her home to Him. I won't begin to guess why - it is His plan, not mine. But, in this situation, it became clear that it is NOT about being "good" enough to be saved. No matter how hard I try to do right, act right, be right or be the best Christian in town or the best friend, wife or mother, I will NEVER be perfect. I will never be "better" than Kara or any other person. We are all deserving of a miracle. I am deserving and so was she. But it's not about that. It's not up to me.
Only God can make the final decision, and that decision DOES NOT hinge on how I act. And that one sentence gave me a large amount of peace. It helped lift the cloud that had been hanging over my head since I learned the scans weren't clear. Do I know what my outcome is going to be? No. Do I know if God is going to grant me another miracle? Nope, sure don't. But I DO KNOW that I can stop trying to be "good enough" to be healed. I can stop carrying around the weight of trying to impress Him. He loves me just the way I am. And even if he doesn't get rid of the disease that has set up camp in my lung, it doesn't mean He loves me any less. He has a plan and I have to respect that. And sit back, take a deep breath and see where it leads.
