Yesterday I had a great conversation with my mother-in-law. We often have great talks, so I don't say that like it's a surprise. She is wonderful to me and we have a great relationship. But this was one of those REALLY great talks. Where you dive in deep to issues you've both been carrying around. Where you get to the nitty gritty of things and you both get to share what is TRULY going on in your head. Where you hang up the phone feeling much closer and realizing you have a wonderful bond.
One of the things that sticks out from this conversation is something she said to me. She told me that she was so happy that I'd finally shared with everyone about my curent fight with cancer. She was one of the few people that had known for almost a year that I was no longer in remission. She was sharing with me how she was glad that I had finally let everyone else in so they could support me and love me through it. We ventured into the reasons why I hadn't shared for so many months and this morning I was reviewing that in my head.
In a previous blog, I'd given you half a dozen reasons why I had kept it mostly a secret. I said that I didn't want to burden everyone, that I wanted to be able to be just me and not "sick me", that I didn't want to talk about it all the time and wanted to live a normal life, that I felt we had already asked so much of our family, friends and church and I didn't think it was right to keep asking for more.
But the truth of the matter is this: yes, those are some of the reasons, but not THE MAIN REASON. The truth is that I have been letting two people, yes TWO PEOPLE, determine what I am going to do, share, and talk about when it comes to my health. There were two individuals who doubted my "story" and didn't think it made sense that I didn't completely lose my hair and I never had a port, that I didn't lose a ton of weight, that I didn't lean on the nurse friends I had (even though I have about 13 nurses already) etc, etc. It was almost as if I had been called out as a liar. And I have been carrying that around with me ever since.
When we first found out about it, my husband and I didn't know who we could trust. So we pulled WAAAAY back from most everyone. And then slowly, very, very slowly, started adding people back in once we knew we could trust them. Once we knew they were not on the side of the individuals who had stated I didn't handle my cancer fight the "right way" (as if there is a right way). And as we added people back in, once we knew we could REALLY trust them, those are the individuals we shared about my health issues. But we just didn't feel like we could let it be widely known, because we felt like we would have to deal with the "doubting Thomases" again. It just seemed easier to keep it a closely held secret, easier on my sanity at least for awhile. Until it wasn't so easy. Keeping a secret of that magnitude for so many months is VERY hard and we realized it was draining us even more.
That is what led me to finally blog about it a couple weeks ago. And there was such a huge sense of relief to just get it out there. To not have to pretend why I was acting/looking/feeling sick. To not have to concoct stories as to why I couldn't attend certain functions or why I wasn't at church on certain Sundays. And the outpouring of love and support has been AMAZING. The people in our circle that truly care about us is off the charts.
And this was part of the conversation yesterday with my MIL. How people WANT to be there for us. How they WANT to help in anyway they can. She mentioned that it hurt her heart how I'd lost all those months of support. In my mind, I blamed it on those two individuals. Saying to myself: it's their fault that I had to keep this secret. But the truth is, it was mine. It was mine for giving them that much power over my own life, my own decisions. NO ONE can take that type of control without you giving it over to them. And that's exactly what I'd done. This past year I have still been carrying around all that hurt, anger, frustration, and despair over the things they said to me and behind my back. But who was the one losing by me doing that? Only me. It wasn't affecting them in the least. I had been carrying around THEIR emotional baggage for over a year and because of that, I lost out on love from the people that wanted to give it.
I hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't lied. I hadn't told any half truths. I hadn't mislead anyone. I had simply been fighting my battle with cancer the only way I knew how. Whether they agreed with how I handled it was on THEM, not me. Whether they disliked the decisions I made was THEIR problem, not mine. But I had let it be mine all this time. Even after I "let it out" about my cancer returning, it's been in the back of my mind, wondering what they are saying now. Wondering if they are spreading the same rumors, wondering if they are still saying it doesn't make sense. How RIDICULIOUS is that? Completely ridiculious! The ONLY people I need to be concerned about knowing my truth are: God, myself, my husband and my son. That's it. Period. And it's about time I started living my life that way.
So, today my challenge is this: are you carrying around anyone else's emotional baggage? Are you living your life to avoid upsetting someone else? Has something untrue been said about you and you are letting it affect how you live your life? I beg you today to let it all go. Drop that baggage and NEVER pick it up again. It will make a HUGE difference in your life. I know it will in mine.
Happy Friday and Valentine's Day. Hope you all have a fantastic weekend. God bless and love to you all.
