Yesterday I was at one of my best friend's daughters birthday - something I'd been really looking forward to. I wasn't feeling that hot but nothing would have kept me from going. This is a family that has become important to all of us so I wouldn't have missed it for the world. While there, another good friend came up and asked me how I was doing. I responded with: "do you want the truth, a lie or some combination?" She answered: "whichever you feel most comfortable telling me" (God bless the way she gave me permission to answer either way). I gave her a brief synopsis of how I was feeling since the internal radiation and we just moved on.
In that moment, I felt closer to her by telling the truth, but after the party, I started replaying the whole conversation in my head. Did I sound like I was whining or complaining? Did I give too much information? Did I bring down the "vibe" of the moment by being honest? Now, let me make it clear: this was ALL in my head. This is a person who would NOT have asked if she didn't want to know. She isn't someone who will pretend to care just because it's the politically correct thing to do. And her attitude towards me didn't change after I shared; we continued to chit chat about other topics during the party and there was no akwardness. BUT....I still had my doubts. And this is what always gets me in trouble. My own crazy neurosis. My own worries and insecurities and how I can analyze the tiniest thing to death. (I hear you people nodding your heads as you read this - you don't have to agree SOOO wholeheartedly. LOL)
And this is the basis for why I've had such a hard time letting people in during this battle. Like today at church. Before I even headed that way, I was out of breath from getting ready. I felt like I had run a few miles just from taking a shower. Yet, I got to church, a place that is full of people who love me and care about me and lied through my teeth. How are you? I'm okay. How are you doing? I'm okay. How are you feeling? I'm a bit winded, but I'm okay. I chit chatted with several friends while inside my head I was praying they wouldn't realize how winded I was. When I was done being the front door greeter, I contemplated just heading back home, but decided staying at church might actually give me a bit of rest since Alex had stayed home with a cold (for those with kids, you'll understand that one). But the hard part for me at church is the standing and singing. It makes me even more out of breath. The up and down, up and down is just exhausting. But I don't want to stay seated because then people would notice. And I don't want to NOT sing, because people would notice.
On top of a normal Sunday service, we were having communion. And I knew that I definitely wouldn't be able to stand in line, walk up there and accept the juice and bread without it being terribly obvious. People would have noticed.
And why does it matter if people notice? I DON'T KNOW, I really don't. But it does. As much as I tell myself it shouldn't, it still does. As much as I scold myself about it, it still does. As much as I tell myself that these people TRULY care and WANT to know, it still does. As much as I remind myself that when someone in my life is hurting how badly I want to help, I just can't get past this fear. And even as I write this, I am already imagining the emails and texts I will receive for not being honest this morning. Yet, still, I don't know how to fix this stupidity.
So, how did I leave this morning? I snuck out of the sanctuary just as the kids were coming back in from Children's Church. I knew that I could just tell people I was going home to take care of Alex . But throughout the day I wondered what would have happened if I told my friend sitting next to me that I couldn't breath. Would it have been the end of the world? And that is the answer I just can't come up with. I keep thinking that if she had helped me out that it would have drawn some attention and that would have been embarrassing. I WANT to be able to say that given the chance to do the day over, I would have changed how I handled it. That if I feel that badly next Sunday, I would be more honest.
But I'm not quite there yet. I'm going to need to spend a lot of time in prayer about this one. Because this isn't something I'm able to fix about myself on my own. So, for those that have asked what they can do, I ask that you join me in this prayer. That you will pray for me in being better about letting you all in. And that if/when I do it, I won't regret it later. That I will just accept your concern, be happy to have such caring, loving people in my life and not worry later that I should have kept my mouth shut.
Thank you to all of you that put up with my idiosyncrasies (my nice word for 'craziness") and still continue to love me. I'm obviously a work in progress. Thank you for joining me on the journey. Love to you all.
