Today started out like any other normal day. One that probably mimics that of millions of other moms. Our house has been fighting the crud so all three of us woke up from a not-that-great night's sleep. My first stop was to mix up my energy drink, Matt's was to flip on Sports Center and Alex's was to grab his phone. After I got the boys out the door, I flipped on my computer since I was working from home. For the first few hours, I went back and forth between work and laundy - one of the main perks of working from the house. Second only to taking conference calls in my yoga pants. :-)
Later on I decided to run over to our local women's boutique to look for an Easter dress because I had a coupon and I LOVE my coupons. Also, I normally wait to the last second and don't end up with anything that great. I then ran some other errands, talked to a couple girlfriends and then picked up little man from the bus. I guess they were learning about Abraham Lincoln today, because first words out of his mouth were: "Ab Lincoln died". Like it happened today. Got him home and settled with his afternoon cookie and milk. While he was eating, I made his bed with the clean sheets and started on dinner.
I'd been short of breath all day, but that's nothing new. I fight it with my inhaler and other meds, but it's one of those things I deal with pretty much every day. I didn't realize today was any worse until I walked out of the kitchen to answer a question from Alex and bamm, fainted. Totally out. Well, I guess not totally because I could hear Alex asking if I was okay, but I just couldn't get my breath together to answer him. The funny thing is I could tell he was completely calm, but in my head I was a panicky mess. I kept telling myself to get it together and answer him but my brain and my lungs weren't cooperating. Finally I was able to draw in a deep breath and tell him I was fine. He was content with that and went back to playing his game on the iPad.
I stayed on the ground for a few more minutes until I felt well enough to get up. And once I felt a bit more normal (what is normal anyway?) I started to get pissed off. Today had been such a good day! I'd been so accomplished! I'd even gotten Alex a little Valentine's Day basket, I'd found cute birthday presents for our friend's daughters, I'd even gotten the car washed, which I knew would make my hubby so happy. I'd checked so many things off my list. Those are what I call my "good days". Days when I handle all the things that are floating around in my head. Days when I get to be just a regular old working Mom and wife.
But after these fainting episodes, I start questioning all the things I should/shouldn't do. Tomorrow we are supposed to drive about an hour and a half from home for the birthday party. Will I be okay to go? Will it happen again? But I WANT to go! I want to see my friend and her girls. I want Alex to have fun with his friends. I just want to be NORMAL, do normal things like everyone else. It's something we've had on the calendar for a month and I want TO GO! Yes, it does make me feel better to put things in caps - eases my frustration a bit. Some people use a punching bag, I use all caps and exclamation points.
And then when I get frustrated over things I might not be able to do, the tears start to come. Tears of frustration and annoyance and loss of independence and how much this *&%^$^ disease is controlling my life. The tears are completely counter productive but they help to just get it all out. And those tears bring me back to reality.
My reality is I have breast cancer that has metastasized to my lung. That's my norm. That's my life. Good, bad or indifferent. I can't change the cards I'm dealt, only handle them the best I can. So, instead of worrying about tomorrow and what I might be able to do or not do, I sit here and I write. And even more than the tears, it helps me feel a bit better. I don't write for your sympathy, I write to get it all out of my head. Because I can't live with cancer in my head AND in my lung. I can only handle it in one place.
Thank you for giving me this forum to actually get it out of my head. Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. And most of all, thank you for loving me: crazy ramblings, cancer and all. Love to you all and God bless.
