The other night I was "talking" to a friend on Facebook, someone who had been a huge support through my cancer battle. As we were about to sign off, he said "you rock. You're my role model". I responded with "good Lord, why would I be your role model? I'm not someone to look up to!" He replied: "With God's help, you told cancer to screw off". I answered with: "looking back, I think I was just a big cry baby." He said: "yeah, well......lol" And of course my mind started whirling with doubts: Did he really think I was a cry baby? Was he just teasing? Did other people think I'd been a cry baby more than I'd been tough? Did people talk about how much of a whiner I was? And on my brain went. Never mind that the whole thing started with him telling me I was his role model.
Why was I taking one joke and getting so insecure? And why did it matter at all?? Why did I care what people thought of how I handled the cancer fight? It shouldn't matter in the least. I told myself that sometimes I was strong and some days I was weak. Some days I had faith and some days I had none. Some days I wore a big smile and others I cried my eyes out. Over that two year battle, there was no "one" emotion, so single way of acting. It was up and down, left and right, upside down and inside out. But the main thing was the outcome, right? Why is that we're expected to kick cancer's butt AND do it with a huge smile planted on our face the whole time?
Well, we're not. That's an expectation I have of myself. I remember so many times saying to Matt that I wanted him and his family to be proud of how I handled things. I probably said it more than "I hate cancer". And I just as clearly remember the odd look he would give me for saying it. It made no sense to him, and I couldn't explain it. And I'm not sure I can now. Other than I wanted him to be able to say "I'm so proud of how tough my wife was. How strong she was through the fight. How she never gave up."
Unfortunately I don't think he can say that and, yes, it bothers me. Looking back, I don't think I was all that tough or strong. And there were SEVERAL times I tried to give up. Does he care about that? NO! Not at all! Do I? I hate to admit it, but yes. So, I've sworn that if I faced something similar again, I'd be even tougher. Even stronger.
We've been going through some challenges and I find myself doing the same thing. Saying I want him to be proud of me, that I want him to think I'm tough. And I get the same strange look each time I say it. And as I write this, I see how that need is sapping my energy to actually fight the fight. Because I put up such a front, one that's impossible to carry for long and I inadvertently end up falling apart. Probably worse than if I had just stopped pretending. Well, not probably...definitely.
So, what's the lesson from all this? That I shouldn't care so much about how people view me during a struggle. I should worry more about the actual struggle. That I need to take the mental energy I'm wasting and put it towards the important things. And by making this change, I'll end up having fewer "lows" in this roller coaster called life. Now let's see if I can just actually make that change. Fingers and toes crossed.
Love to you all.
