When I was pregnant with Alex, I had a job and I totally planned on staying at that job after he was born. I had no desire to be a stay at home mom - nothing against stay at home moms. I just thought that I would miss the social interaction of the workplace. Until a few people close to me told me repeatedly that I would change my mind....and that's what happened. I began secretly longing to stay home with my baby. I knew it wasn't financially feasible, but I prayed about it every night.
Alex was born, we picked out a day care and made it there all of three days. With his reflux, he was just to sick to be under someone else's care and I was getting no sleep so I was in no condition to work. So, I got to be a stay at home mother for seven months. Now, maybe it wasn't the most ideal of situations but God did answer my prayer. And I learned I was right the first time - I wasn't meant to stay at home and neither was Alex. I needed to be at work and he needed to be at day care. So, when he stopped projectile vomiting at seven months, that's what we did. And I never regretted it. I knew it was the right thing for us both.
The only thing that stuck in the back of my mind was when he started Kindergarten. And how badly I wanted to be there to greet him at the bus. Again, I couldn't figure it out in my head, so I prayed about it. It became this big desire in my heart that I couldn't ignore. Other moms told me about how their kids would tell them all about their days right when they get off the bus. But if you wait until later, the day will be behind them and they won't share as much.
With how much I was working from home, I figured my boss would have no problem letting me meet the bus and then do more work when I got home. It seemed like the perfect plan. I was getting excited. I thought God had answered my prayers. All I had to do was wait for my boss to finally be in town so I could ask him face to face. Which happened today. And the craziest thing happened - he said no. No to meeting the bus. And no to anymore working from home, effective this week.
It was like someone kicked me in the stomach. It wasn't until that moment that I realized how desperately I wanted him to say yes. How I had built it in my mind as the perfect scenario. And how badly I wanted to crawl under my chair and cry. I just looked at him, said okay, and went back to my cubicle. And as much as I shouldn't write this, I started doubting God. I asked why He had let this happen. I'd had a great thing going and this would have just made it perfect. I didn't think it was asking too much. I was pretty ticked off with Him, to be honest.
Then I looked over at a sign hanging on my wall that I'd gotten from a friend when trying to get pregnant. And it says "Three answers God may give: 1. Yes 2. Not yet 3. I have something better in mind. So, as hard as it is today, I'm trying to believe that it's number two - not yet. Maybe I won't meet the bus next week or next month or even this year. But I'll keep praying that He finds a way to make it happen. In the meantime, don't mind me if you see me crying under a chair somewhere. 😉
P.S. I know plenty of moms don't get to meet the bus and I'm being a big old whiny crybaby, so please forget all you just read. Thanks! 😃😃😃
