There are times in life where you take stock of your life and you start to get a bit down. Am I where I should be/want to be at 41? Do I like what I do for work? Am I making the best use of the degree I got? If I'm not happy, what could I actually do to make a change? There can be many reasons that we start this mental inventory. Could be a change in the workplace, could be you hook up with some college friends and remember what big dreams you had, could be a fight with the spouse, or maybe opening several bills in one day that seem to suck up a big portion of your paycheck.
For me it was a big change in my work situation. For the past several months, I'd been working mostly from home and it has been a blessing for many reasons. Abruptly, that all changed mid-day on Tuesday. And it made me realize that it's not the job I enjoyed, but the flexibility it offered me. I worked my butt off and still put in 40+ hours a week, but I was able to do it in my yoga pants most days. :-) My boss was very hands off and seemed to have faith and trust that I was working hard and getting everything done. I would get compliments frequently about helping others and I felt pretty proud of myself for that. However, either something I did upset the apple cart or maybe my boss started to regret the long leash I was on. Either way, that leash got shortened dramatically and it's left me feeling very frustrated.
Since that day, there have been several discussions at home about what to do now? Our situation went from being pretty ideal to being a big pain in the you know what. We talked about me giving notice, but I'm the benefit holder for the family. And no matter what is said out there, I just have a hard time believing with my medical history that we could get comprehensive, affordable health care. Also, with Alex starting kindergarten, I was looking forward to not having to pay child care and just putting aside my paycheck for the future.
Then I go back to - this is not going to work. And I'm not happy. But when you're an adult with a child, bills, and other responsibilities, is "not being happy" a reason to end a job? In my opinion, no. I know we live in a "feel-good" society where people think they deserve the best of everything, but that's not reality. As my husband frequently says: you can want in one hand, and well, you know, in the other.
But in the few moments I allow myself to dream or take those "what job were you meant to do?" quizzes, I think about what it would be like to write full time. I follow several blogs and I have to admit that I've had moments of jealousy, moments where I wish that I could do that full time. One woman mentioned how that is her full time job with a nice paycheck and I asked myself: how do I do that? And just like my dream of picking Alex up from the bus, it has seeped into my brain. And I'm trying my best to get it out, because I know it's a pipe dream. I don't have NEAR enough followers of my silly ramblings to turn it into a paycheck. And why would any advertisers want to pay me for what I write? It's not like anything I have to say is going to change the world. And there are a BAZILLION blogs out there - is there REALLY room for one more?
Then this morning, I was looking through my Facebook newsfeed and came across this: "CALLING ALL BLOGGERS. Blogcamp webinar. How to start a PROFITABLE blog people will read." And of course my mind started going. Was it a sign or was it something to just further encourage my crazy dream? Was it God trying to let me know I should pursue something I loved to do or the devil trying to reinforce the "I'm not happy" thoughts? So, my mind has been going back and forth. "Vicki, you make relatively good money for what you do. Suck it up and deal with the cards you're dealt. You're not the dreamer, you're the realist." Then: "But you are the first to tell Matt to follow his dream since he doesn't love what he's doing. Why not try and follow yours?" Then: "you can't have two people trying to follow their dreams. One person has to keep their feet firmly planted in the hear and now and his dream came first." It's like ping-pong in my head....or maybe tennis....
That's where I am today. Not sure what the heck I should be thinking at this crossroads, which way I should be turning, trying to tell myself to "just get over it" and get back to the plan at hand. But God does say to bring Him your wishes and desires, your dreams and innermost thoughts. So, I guess it can't hurt to add this dream to the prayer about meeting the school bus. It doesn't waste anything to pray. I will just have to leave it in HIS hands that if it's a dream I'm meant to fulfill, He'll find the way to make it happen. And if it's something I'm supposed to let go of, he'll give me peace about that too. Fingers and toes crossed too, just for good luck. LOL
Happy Friday everyone. Best of luck to each of you on making YOUR dreams come true.
