When I was going through my cancer treatments, as most of you are already aware, I had a couple people who said I didn't act like the "normal" cancer patient - whatever that is. It really bothered me at the time and I felt the need to explain why I handled things the way I did. And when God miraculously removed the cancer from my body, these same few people questioned it. Again, I felt I had to explain it to them, get them to understand. One person asked me, "why does it matter so much to you what I think?" At the time, I thought it was the simple fact of being doubted, which is difficult enough.
But it hit me this morning that there is another reason it bothered me so much. If people doubted me, that means they were doubting God because of ME. Because it wasn't my story, it was His. I have a problem with feeling guilty a lot, and I realized today that I have been carrying guilt because of this. Not because I actually did something wrong, but because there are people who THINK I did something wrong. And I have felt like that has to somehow be my fault. And that could be hindering God's message.
See, I have a strong belief that I am here on this earth to share God's word, His love, His message and His story of salvation. I also feel that if I can't get that message across properly, that is MY fault, not God's. Because He is perfect, and, of course, I am not. Therefore, in my mind, if I somehow turned people off with the way I handled my cancer battle and they therefore don't believe my miracle, I am at fault. I should have done something different, said something different, explained it better. And if I keep someone from God because of them doubting ME, I have to find a way to fix that. Because God curing my cancer is something I should be sharing with the world. I HAVE to make sure people hear the story AND believe it.
What do I do with that guilt, that pressure to make others believe? I can't just hit them over the head until they believe, although there are times I have wanted to. I can't keep writing about it because I'm sure those few people don't even read this blog. What does that leave me? Prayer. I need to pray that whatever I said or did to cause them to doubt, is changed by God in their minds. NOT for my sake. NOT to have their friendship. NOT because I actually did anything wrong. NOT to make myself feel better. But because Gods story needs to be heard and believed. And I don't want to be the one in His way. I CAN'T be the one in His way - I won't be able to live with myself.
So, starting today, the times that I am worried about this particular issue, I will turn to prayer. I will be praying that God shows me the opportunities for sharing His story, that God will forgive me for not being the best at sharing this story and that God will open the ears and the minds of those who have doubted. If anyone wants to join me in these prayers, I would greatly a appreciate it.
Thank you for reading and God bless you!
