So, yep, I'm back to writing...and back to this blog format. I couldn't figure out how to stop the other blog from going to everyone automatically, so I just decided to start over again. I really thought with the cancer behind me that I wouldn't have much to write about anyway.....until today.
Since I've been home this week recovering, I've been watching a lot of sappy Christmas movies. I've truly been in a "counting my blessings" mood, knowing I have SOOOOO much to be thankful for this season. It's made me feel a bit more charitable to those who have wronged me, which can be good or bad. Today it has been both.
But let me back up a bit. I think I've shared with you all that as part of my treatment through the Cancer Center of America, I was assigned a counselor. The center feels that to treat a patient, you need to treat the WHOLE person: body, mind and emotions. Once I found out the cancer was gone from my body, I thought I would lose this counselor. But as part of my cancer rider through my insurance, I get to speak with the counselor for six months past remission. There are a lot of emotions, as I have found out, that come up once the patient is "cured". I've been lucky enough to have this doctor to speak to regarding my own emotional roller coaster.
During one of these "sessions", she brought up letting my family know about being cancer free. I explained that, especially with my parents, it always ended up in a very negative, confrontational way. I told her that I didn't see the point and that I didn't need any more emotions to deal with right now. She, however, disagreed with me. She felt like God had given me this new life and if I was going to make the most of it, I needed to FULLY put the past in the past. I started to agree since there is part of my past I have never remembered, have tried to recreate to no avail and my parents would never be straight with me about. So, she offered to reach out to them with my permission, which takes me back to the being charitable part. I decided I had to give a little to see if I could get answers that would help me finally leave my "old life" behind me.
Well, the counselor did get me some answers, and for that I'm thankful. But, as I expected, it did end on a negative and confrontational note. As I was processing that over the past couple days, I started asking myself "now what"? How am I going to let this define me? In the past I've gone in one of two directions - A: trying to replace the family I lost with other people or B: trying to "fix" the relationship with my biological family. However, with this "new life" God has given me, I'm starting to understand that there is a 'C'. And that is: happily accepting the family I currently have. Not feeling the need to fix or replace. Because who says that a family is a certain size? Who says that Alex needs a certain amount of people in his life, or for that matter, in MY life?
Somehow, through this last go around, I am realizing that I am enough, WE are enough - Alex, Matt, me and Matt's family. We may be a small group, but we love each other, we're there for each other. We've been through plenty of ups and downs together, but we've come out on the other side better, stronger and closer. By me constantly feeling the need to "fix or replace", I'm putting down what I already have, putting myself down in fact. Family isn't a certain size; family is the love between the individuals. And there is plenty of love here. And even if there is never some big reconciliation with my family, I am okay with that. NOT because I've replaced them, but because ME, MYSELF AND I, are okay. This family I have is okay - more than okay. I have a wonderful son, husband, father-in-law, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, grandmother-in-law, niece and nephew. And that makes me so incredibly blessed and tis the season to be thankful for my blessings.
So, tonight I say thank you God specifically for my wonderful family. For surrounding me with HIS love and THEIR love. Without either I would be lost.......and since I'm NOT lost, I guess I can say they're like my GPS - keeping me focused in the right direction. And I think we can ALL agree I need a lot of help with that.
God bless you all and thanks for reading.
