As some of you are already aware, I've been asked to speak at a cancer support group the second week in February. A friend had turned in my story, along with several blog posts regarding my cancer journey. At first I really wanted to say no. I'm a writer, I'm not a speaker. And at the time, I so badly wanted to just put an end to the whole thing. I'd reached remission and wanted to just say "story over", time to move on.
But then I felt like God was trying to work through me and I couldn't say no. So, since it's rude to say no to God, I agreed. I've sat down to write my speech a dozen times. And have come up with nothing, nada, zilch. Not a single line. I have no idea where to start. And because of the way I write, without a beginning, there's no middle or an end. I don't do an outline, I don't plan ahead what to say, I don't do re-writes. I just put my fingers on the keyboard and keep going until I feel like I've "said" what I needed to "say".
So, when I have writer's block, I really don't know how to get past it. And this is the epitome of writer's block. Each way I look at it, I'm not saying the right thing. If I approach it one way, it's bragging that I'm cancer free. Another way, I'm not giving enough glory to God. A different way, people will think it was just a series of miracles without the hell in between. And as much as I'm so very thankful and so incredibly blessed, it was the hardest two years of my life.
Yesterday I briefly mentioned to my family how hard it was to know what to say. And in my head, I was planning on canceling the whole thing. I figured it was a sign that I wasn't actually supposed to do this at all. That is until I walked past a book at my in-laws house. I can't explain it, but this book pretty much jumped off the shelf, crying "read me, read me." The book is called 'Until I Say Goodbye: My Year of Living with Joy' by Susan Spencer-Wendel. It is the author's story of being diagnosed with ALS and how she spent her last year....living with Joy. She set out to live her life to the fullest, knowing there would be no cure. She was going to die, no ifs ands or buts about it. And it wouldn't be an easy passing; her muscles would all slowly die while her mind would stay completely the intact.
Throughout her last year, she took individual trips with her husband, three kids, sister and best friend. She wrote her will, she planned her funeral, wrote out a DNR, took over the family's finances so they'd be set once she passed, gave instructions on who she wanted to assist her husband in raising the children, etc, etc. So many things I had been thinking about during my battle with cancer. And things I now don't have to worry about.
Now I can actually live my life instead of planning my death. I can make plans to go to Florida next month. I can plan on being there for Alex's first day of kindergarten, his first day of middle school and high school. I'll be there when he marries his future wife and when my grandbabies are born. I don't have to plan my goodbyes because I'm not going anywhere; God is letting me stick around. And that is a story worth telling.
As I finished the book today, it hit me that it wasn't just my story - it's God's story - so I have no right to say no. Just as Susan shared the story of her LAST year, it was my job to share how this WASN'T mine. I will have lots and lots and lots more years to live. And it's almost my duty to tell people why. As much as I had wonderful doctors and nurses, great care by family and friends and a spirit that just wouldn't give up, my being cancer free has nothing to do with those things. God stepped in, put his hand inside me and wiped the cancer away. And since that doesn't happen every day, I have to tell the world, or at least twenty women in Hoover, Alabama about it. And instead of worrying about what to say, I just need to sit back and allow God to speak through me. I'm sure if he can miraculously rid a person of a terminal illness, he can write a speech. I just pray that I will be open enough to hear His words. Because they ARE worth sharing.
Thank you for reading. God bless you all.
