Last night when I tucked Alex into bed I told him I was so proud of him for the good day he'd had. His response? "I'm proud of me too." And in that moment I knew we'd made the right decision.
Let me rewind a bit. Alex has always been a tad on the hyper side. Okay, maybe more than just a tad. He came out of the womb that way. He had a terrible time napping and didn't sleep through the night until he was fifteen months old. For the first three years of his life we weren't sure if him being sick all the time had disrupted his sleep patterns or if it was something else. After he had his last ear surgery at three and a half, Matt and I started discussing if he was going to ever calm down. It was too early for him to be evaluated for ADHD so we had him seen by a cognitive therapist. She diagnosed him as having something called 'Sensory Processing Disorder.' Basically she felt that all his illnesses had caused a break down in some natural progression of his ability to handle stimulation. Unlike the majority of the children with the disorder, she thought he needed a higher amount of stimulation. She gave us some things to work on with him that she thought would help. They never really did.
We tried watching his diet, making sure he got plenty of exercise, behavior modification, a strict bedtime routine, a very structured environment, etc. We tended not to do things during the week after preschool because it took him a long time to settle back down afterwards. Over time I realized how many ways his hyperactivity was effecting all of us as a family. But it wasn't until he could verablize it on his own that I knew it was time to take the next step.
A few months ago I picked Alex up from school and the teacher told me he'd had a meltdown that day. She explained that she had instructed him, yet again, to sit still during story time and he said "I just can't" and burst into tears. I was curious if this was his way of getting out of trouble or if it was his way of telling us something. A couple days later I had repeatedly asked Alex to calm down and he told me I was making him sad. I asked him why and he told me because I'm always telling him to be quiet but I know it isn't his fault. Then one night at bedtime, I asked Alex to please stop wriggling around and settle down. He told me that there were snakes inside his legs that were making him move around. It seemed like his way of trying to explain how hyper he felt inside. I shared all these comments with Matt and together we decided to call the pediatrician.
She had Matt and I and the school fill out different questionaires so she could get a feel for how he acted in different environments. Then we had to wait a month or so to see her. And it was the longest month. Because even though we didn't have a diagnosis yet, it was all of a sudden so obvious. Now that we really saw it, I wanted it fixed immediately. Yes, you all know that I'm terrible when it comes to patience. And through that month it seemed like Alex was getting frustrated with us as well. He was trying to explain it in numerous ways and in his eyes we just weren't getting it, weren't doing anything about it. So, he acted out even more, lashed out at us (mostly me because Mommy is supposed to fix everything) and seemed to get in even more trouble at school. It was almost like he'd given up trying; if he was going to get in trouble no matter what, why even bother?
So a few weeks ago when we got to see the doctor, I was MORE than ready for some help, some advice. The doctor spent about an hour with us and at the end of that time she said it was clear to her that he had ADHD. Was I relieved? Yes. Do I feel a bit guilty about that? Yes. For a few reasons. I soooooo hate the fact that he has to take another daily medication. I had been very happy that we'd weaned him off his reflux meds and for the first time in his life he didn't have to take one prescription. I also felt guilty because I felt like I'd caused it. I was ADHD as a child and I felt like I had passed it on to him. The doctor saw all this on my face and said it's okay, you didn't cause it. Yes, it may be genetic, but that doesn't mean you personally did anything to make him this way. She also said that it's okay to be relieved that she agreed with me about the diagnosis. She told me lots of parents feel that way - makes them see that they aren't crazy. And that all made me feel much better.
So, we got some medication and the first two weeks were a roller coaster. With ADHD, it's actually a chemical imbalance in the brain which has to be regulated. And for Alex, that wasn't the easiest of processes. He went from sad to happy to angry and calm to hyper and back again, all in the blink of an eye. After one week I wasn't sure we were on the right track. But then a couple days ago I started to see some light at the end of the tunnel.
It started with him spending half a day with his grandparents and them commenting on how he seemed calmer. And then he was working on a project and said "look how I'm taking my time and not rushing." Then he stayed home from school one day when we were both sick and actually was calm the WHOLE DAY - something I'd never experienced with him. And then yesterday was the real testimony. I picked him up from school and got a GLOWING report about how he'd sat still during the story time and didn't interrupt his teacher and played nicely with his friends on the playground. Then at home I was on the phone and he didn't ask for my attention one time.
This is why at bedtime I told him how proud of him I was. Because I knew he'd really been trying hard. Even before the medication he'd been trying, but it had been something he couldn't control. And I was over the moon happy to see things smoothing out. But when he told me he was proud of himself, well, I thought my heart would burst with joy. Because that's what I wanted for him. I want him to be happy and not down on himself. I want him to know that he is a good kid. So, yes, I was happy for me and Matt that things would be getting easier, but I was ecstatic that HE was happy. Isn't that all parents really want for their children anyway? It's in our nature. Once you have a child, all the priorities shift. It stops being about us and they come first. And that is why today I'm over the moon. Because I know we made the right decision and I know it's just going to get better from here.
God bless you and thank you to everyone who has been on the "Alex hyper ride" with us. :)
