A couple days ago my husband was playing Trivia Crack (which is very similar to crack by the way) with our son sitting next to him. This was the question that came on his screen: "which year was the first black president elected." Alex asked "what does it mean 'black president'?" Matt and I looked at each other and I felt like time stopped. A million things ran through my head in the next ten seconds, but the first thought was "I hate that this day ever had to come."
Until that day, we had managed to raise Alex pretty much color blind. He never called his African-American friends or classmates "black". If he had to describe him or her, it was by the clothes they wore or how funny they were or how nice they were to him. In fact the ONLY person he had ever described as a different color was Matt because he worked outside and was much more tan than Alex and me. This was something we were very proud of. We were glad that Alex had grown up with kids of different races in day care, preschool and now Kindergarten. We didn't want him to see people by the color of their skin; we wanted him to see all people as equal. And I felt like we had done a very good job of that until this week.
But with that question on a small screen in my husband's hands, I felt like that was all changing. How could I explain to him that color didn't matter when that question was phrased as if that was the only thing that did? How could I tell him not to describe someone as black, white, red, asian, hispanic, spanish, etc when that trivia game was putting so much emphasis on color?
We tried our hardest to explain to him that our current president is of a different race than we are and how that doesn't make him any better or worse than us. Just different. We tried to get him to see that people in this country may come from all different places but that we are all Americans. We tried getting him to understand that in our home people are all created equal.
Do I think he got it? No, I know for a fact he didn't because he told us it didn't make any sense and we were just confusing him. And I wished so badly that I could turn back time and have a different question pop up on the phone. I wanted to go back to when my baby didn't see black or white, he just saw individuals. Some of you may be thinking that I am incredibly naive to think we will ever have a world where color of skin is not a factor. And maybe I am naive. And some of you maybe thinking that I have no right to comment since I am white and can't imagine what it is to grow up African-American. And maybe that is true as well. I don't know how it would be to have a different color skin. I can't change the fact that I am white, but I also don't want that to be how people see me. I want them to see me as a Christian, a mother, a wife, a friend, caring, considerate, helpful and loving. Being white is just a tiny, tiny, TINY part of who I am. And if I don't want to be identified strictly by my skin color, I don't want to identify others that way.
I know the other day was inevitable. Alex would surely have overheard someone saying "that black man" or "that black boy" or something similar. Maybe I am lucky that we made it until he was six before him learning that others put such a focus on color. But when the subject comes up next, as I know it will, I plan on telling him that even though the rest of the world places so much importance on color, our home does not. Will this change society? No. Can one person, one family get rid of any leftover racism in our community? No. But for me it's a start. All I have control over is myself and my son (at this point). All I can do is keep working on us. I know that God doesn't see black or white when he looks down from Heaven, He just sees all the people He created. He sees each one of us as completely equal. And I want to do my very best to see us the same way.
God bless you all. Hope you have a wonderful day. Every one stay warm!
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Fake snow day, cancer and procrastination
So, for those that haven't been watching the weather in Alabama, the whole state basically shut down due to the threat of snow and ice. Which worked in my favor for ways that you wouldn't have guessed. It helped me procrastinate something I'm not looking forward to at all. I'd managed to avoid it for a few weeks and thought I'd have to do it today but luckily this weather came around. I'm talking about my next radiation treatment.
See, I went a few weeks ago for the first of three treatments and it was much harder than I thought it would be. I ended up with a collapsed lung and was physically, mentally and emotionally drained for well over a week. Due to the complications, I had to skip the next week due to doctor's orders. Then the next week I decided I just couldn't handle it so I put if off. Then the next week came and I told my husband that some other things had to be settled before I could face another treatment. I just didn't think I could handle another rough week while we had some big decisions up in the air.
But I knew I couldn't keep putting it off. This was treatment that I had fought so hard to have. Treatment that I praised God for getting approved. Treatment that I made a HUGE deal over being the last possibility. And now I'm putting it off like a dental appointment. I have all the above excuses for it and they are partly true, but not the whole story.
As I sat here today watching the weather turn into no big deal, I started wondering what was going on in my brain. Family and friends have been asking me when I'm going to get back on track. When I stop long enough to think about it, I feel like I'm letting them all down. I mean, I made such a big deal about "never giving up" and hear I am just sitting on my butt doing nothing. Just letting time pass on by, week after week. As if this is just a tooth cleaning that can be put off without dire results.
The truth of the matter is I'm scared. I'm scared because I've been told there really aren't any options after this. I'm scared because what if it doesn't work? What if we do the other two weeks and the cancer is still there? What then? At least now I have these last two treatments to "look forward to", in a sense. My worrying is kept at bay by not doing anything because I still have this last option to check off my list.
I know I can't put it off forever. I know by doing nothing I'm not taking control. Instead I'm letting the disease run my life. I'm letting worry and fear run my life. And by doing that, I'm telling God that I'm not trusting Him with my health. Even though the doctors are telling me this is the last treatment option, they are not the ones with the ultimate say. God is. Even though the doctors act like this is a "Hail Mary" of sorts, they are not the ones who get to decide my fate. God is.
And the only way to trust Him completely is by making the appointment and leaving it in His hands. So, for everyone who has been asking and to those too afraid to ask, a week from today I'll be on my way back to Atlanta. I'll be back to fighting this disease instead of it fighting me. Thank you for being patient with me and understanding my trepidation. Thank you for always being in my corner and allowing me the space to procrastinate. But thank you for also letting me know the procrastination has to end. All it took was a fake snow day to get me back on track.
Hope everyone is staying warm out there. Love to you all.
See, I went a few weeks ago for the first of three treatments and it was much harder than I thought it would be. I ended up with a collapsed lung and was physically, mentally and emotionally drained for well over a week. Due to the complications, I had to skip the next week due to doctor's orders. Then the next week I decided I just couldn't handle it so I put if off. Then the next week came and I told my husband that some other things had to be settled before I could face another treatment. I just didn't think I could handle another rough week while we had some big decisions up in the air.
But I knew I couldn't keep putting it off. This was treatment that I had fought so hard to have. Treatment that I praised God for getting approved. Treatment that I made a HUGE deal over being the last possibility. And now I'm putting it off like a dental appointment. I have all the above excuses for it and they are partly true, but not the whole story.
As I sat here today watching the weather turn into no big deal, I started wondering what was going on in my brain. Family and friends have been asking me when I'm going to get back on track. When I stop long enough to think about it, I feel like I'm letting them all down. I mean, I made such a big deal about "never giving up" and hear I am just sitting on my butt doing nothing. Just letting time pass on by, week after week. As if this is just a tooth cleaning that can be put off without dire results.
The truth of the matter is I'm scared. I'm scared because I've been told there really aren't any options after this. I'm scared because what if it doesn't work? What if we do the other two weeks and the cancer is still there? What then? At least now I have these last two treatments to "look forward to", in a sense. My worrying is kept at bay by not doing anything because I still have this last option to check off my list.
I know I can't put it off forever. I know by doing nothing I'm not taking control. Instead I'm letting the disease run my life. I'm letting worry and fear run my life. And by doing that, I'm telling God that I'm not trusting Him with my health. Even though the doctors are telling me this is the last treatment option, they are not the ones with the ultimate say. God is. Even though the doctors act like this is a "Hail Mary" of sorts, they are not the ones who get to decide my fate. God is.
And the only way to trust Him completely is by making the appointment and leaving it in His hands. So, for everyone who has been asking and to those too afraid to ask, a week from today I'll be on my way back to Atlanta. I'll be back to fighting this disease instead of it fighting me. Thank you for being patient with me and understanding my trepidation. Thank you for always being in my corner and allowing me the space to procrastinate. But thank you for also letting me know the procrastination has to end. All it took was a fake snow day to get me back on track.
Hope everyone is staying warm out there. Love to you all.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
An RV for Valentine's Day
My husband bought me an RV for Valentine's Day and it was the sweetest gift he could have picked out. Okay, he actually bought it a few days after, but we spent that day together as a family picking one out. And I don't think I could have asked for a better day. I know, you're probably thinking that a man should get his wife flowers and candy (he did get me those too) or a trip away for the weekend or a night out on the town for the most romantic night of the year. And some of you are probably thinking that the timing couldn't be more off - I'm still fighting cancer and he's trying to get a business off the ground. We have plenty already on our plates. But bear with me and let me explain why this was truly the perfect gift.
For ten and a half years, my husband owned and operated a business that required him to work lots and lots and LOTS of hours. He would work a twelve hour day and still have paperwork to do in the evenings. Most Saturdays he also had to work, either doing maintenance on his equipment or making up for a rain day. As much as I knew he was doing this for Alex and me, it did lead to numerous fights. I often felt like a single Mom since most of our son's care fell on my shoulders. I also had a hard time making definite plans with friends (and if I did, it led to me cancelling A LOT) because if he had to work, I had to be home. I also felt like he was missing out on a lot of big family moments that couldn't be repeated. It all got harder when I was diagnosed because I had to juggle even more.
Of course, he had his own legitimate feelings. He is the main financial supporter of our household and was literally working himself to death. There were plenty of times that he would come home exhausted, I'd be a big fat nag, and he'd feel like I just didn't appreciate him. I know he also felt like he was missing out on things and me constantly pointing that out didn't help in the least.
So, we were at odds a lot over this issue until he recently sold his business. This has allowed him to be at home much more while he is getting his next venture off the ground. We've been able to have family dinners, spend Saturdays together, make plans with friends (and keep them) and generally become much more connected. We are now a family unit, where as before it seemed like we were going in separate directions all the time.
My in-laws have an RV or travel trailer or camper - not sure the official term, along with some good friends of ours. Hearing their travel stories got my husband interested in checking them out. I was NOT at all interested until he took Alex and I to visit one a couple weekends ago. And that's when I really got what all the fuss was about. They have power. And AC. And heat. Just like a traveling house. But what really convinced me was the big old smile on Alex's face while he ran around checking out every nook and cranny. Anything that was holding me back just went out the window in that moment.
This past Monday we narrowed it down to which one we wanted and went back to the trailer place. After all the negotiations were through and we were close to the number we wanted to be at, I asked my husband why he wanted to do this. And that's when he said the sweetest words he's ever told me. He said that being home more these last few months has made him realize how much more time he wants to spend with us. How he has enjoyed the quality family time and wants to have more. Que the swooning.
For many years I so badly wanted to renew our vows for our tenth anniversary. I planned it all in my head. I've talked about it before in this space. It's something we didn't do because my husband is not a big fan of public displays of affections. On our actual wedding day, his leg was shaking so badly that people were ready to catch him if he fell. But the other day at Burton's Camper in Calera, AL, it almost felt like we had something even more special than a vow renewal. It was a recommittment to our family. It was us both deciding that, yes, we love each other enough to travel together in a very small space. I mean, if that doesn't say true love, I don't know what does. And as much as I absolutely cherish and adore my anniversary tennis bracelet, I think this RV is even sweeter. Because it's about the three of us. Going to check out the world. Together.....Please pray for us. :-)
For ten and a half years, my husband owned and operated a business that required him to work lots and lots and LOTS of hours. He would work a twelve hour day and still have paperwork to do in the evenings. Most Saturdays he also had to work, either doing maintenance on his equipment or making up for a rain day. As much as I knew he was doing this for Alex and me, it did lead to numerous fights. I often felt like a single Mom since most of our son's care fell on my shoulders. I also had a hard time making definite plans with friends (and if I did, it led to me cancelling A LOT) because if he had to work, I had to be home. I also felt like he was missing out on a lot of big family moments that couldn't be repeated. It all got harder when I was diagnosed because I had to juggle even more.
Of course, he had his own legitimate feelings. He is the main financial supporter of our household and was literally working himself to death. There were plenty of times that he would come home exhausted, I'd be a big fat nag, and he'd feel like I just didn't appreciate him. I know he also felt like he was missing out on things and me constantly pointing that out didn't help in the least.
So, we were at odds a lot over this issue until he recently sold his business. This has allowed him to be at home much more while he is getting his next venture off the ground. We've been able to have family dinners, spend Saturdays together, make plans with friends (and keep them) and generally become much more connected. We are now a family unit, where as before it seemed like we were going in separate directions all the time.
My in-laws have an RV or travel trailer or camper - not sure the official term, along with some good friends of ours. Hearing their travel stories got my husband interested in checking them out. I was NOT at all interested until he took Alex and I to visit one a couple weekends ago. And that's when I really got what all the fuss was about. They have power. And AC. And heat. Just like a traveling house. But what really convinced me was the big old smile on Alex's face while he ran around checking out every nook and cranny. Anything that was holding me back just went out the window in that moment.
This past Monday we narrowed it down to which one we wanted and went back to the trailer place. After all the negotiations were through and we were close to the number we wanted to be at, I asked my husband why he wanted to do this. And that's when he said the sweetest words he's ever told me. He said that being home more these last few months has made him realize how much more time he wants to spend with us. How he has enjoyed the quality family time and wants to have more. Que the swooning.
For many years I so badly wanted to renew our vows for our tenth anniversary. I planned it all in my head. I've talked about it before in this space. It's something we didn't do because my husband is not a big fan of public displays of affections. On our actual wedding day, his leg was shaking so badly that people were ready to catch him if he fell. But the other day at Burton's Camper in Calera, AL, it almost felt like we had something even more special than a vow renewal. It was a recommittment to our family. It was us both deciding that, yes, we love each other enough to travel together in a very small space. I mean, if that doesn't say true love, I don't know what does. And as much as I absolutely cherish and adore my anniversary tennis bracelet, I think this RV is even sweeter. Because it's about the three of us. Going to check out the world. Together.....Please pray for us. :-)
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Drive thru/microwave/impatient society
When did we all get so impatient? Or is it just me? No matter how many times God has taught me that my life is in His hands and it is all in His timing, still I wonder. I wonder why I haven't heard back on a job I'm not even really sure I want. I wonder what I should be doing to increase my writing even though it was only a few weeks ago that God showed me it was my purpose. I wonder when we will hear news about a business my husband is working on, even though we decided we wouldn't make any decisions until after today. I wonder when (and sometimes if) God will completely erase my cancer.
I feel a small sense of pride that I didn't write "worry" instead of "wonder". Because that is a step in the right direction for me. But still, me wondering is closer to the worry end of the spectrum that I'd like it to be. It's like I've given each of the above scenarios up to God, but NOT completely. I've taken nine fingers off of each thing, but still have one finger touching the issue in case I should be doing something to "help" Him. Like, maybe I should reach out to the recruiter to check on my application. Or maybe I should contact the woman who said she'd possibly help me with my writing career. Or maybe I should be online looking for new/different/additional treatment options. Or maybe I should text my husband and ask him if he has any news.
But if I did any of those things, would I honestly change the outcome? The answer is obviously no, I KNOW that. No matter what I do, I do not have control over a promotion or my husband's business or my cancer, etc. So, if I know that, why can't I just sit back and let each scenario play out? It means I'm basically talking out both sides of my mouth. I say that I trust God implicitly with my life, but on the other hand, I feel like he needs JUST A LITTLE bit of help from me. Like, if I just give Him a hand, it will all come together quicker, better, easier. But it won't....I just get in His way.
This morning when I was driving into work, I started thinking about what I was going to give up for Lent. Last year I tried giving up Facebook and that was an utter failure. The year before was sweets and for those who know my love of chocolate, you will know it had the same outcome. So I started taking inventory of my life and what needed the most work. And I realized I didn't need to give up something, I needed to stop something. I needed to stop trying so hard to help God with my life.
Just at that moment, I heard something on the radio: "God's got this". And I knew that needed to be my mantra for the next 40 days. So simple, yet so complicated. So much easier said than done. But I decided it was short and sweet enough for me to repeat. To repeat when I find myself wondering or worrying about what the future holds. To repeat when I find myself trying to interfere or get in His way. To repeat when I am scared or afraid or nervous or anxious. To repeat when my mind is racing over the stupid minutiae of life.
So, if you see me muttering something and worry that I'm talking to myself, I probably am. I'm telling myself: "God's got this". Because He does. No matter how I may get in the way. And hopefully 40 days of repeating this will pound it into my thick skull.
What, if anything are you guys giving up? How about stopping something instead?
God bless each and everyone of you today. Remember: He's got this day in His hands.
I feel a small sense of pride that I didn't write "worry" instead of "wonder". Because that is a step in the right direction for me. But still, me wondering is closer to the worry end of the spectrum that I'd like it to be. It's like I've given each of the above scenarios up to God, but NOT completely. I've taken nine fingers off of each thing, but still have one finger touching the issue in case I should be doing something to "help" Him. Like, maybe I should reach out to the recruiter to check on my application. Or maybe I should contact the woman who said she'd possibly help me with my writing career. Or maybe I should be online looking for new/different/additional treatment options. Or maybe I should text my husband and ask him if he has any news.
But if I did any of those things, would I honestly change the outcome? The answer is obviously no, I KNOW that. No matter what I do, I do not have control over a promotion or my husband's business or my cancer, etc. So, if I know that, why can't I just sit back and let each scenario play out? It means I'm basically talking out both sides of my mouth. I say that I trust God implicitly with my life, but on the other hand, I feel like he needs JUST A LITTLE bit of help from me. Like, if I just give Him a hand, it will all come together quicker, better, easier. But it won't....I just get in His way.
This morning when I was driving into work, I started thinking about what I was going to give up for Lent. Last year I tried giving up Facebook and that was an utter failure. The year before was sweets and for those who know my love of chocolate, you will know it had the same outcome. So I started taking inventory of my life and what needed the most work. And I realized I didn't need to give up something, I needed to stop something. I needed to stop trying so hard to help God with my life.
Just at that moment, I heard something on the radio: "God's got this". And I knew that needed to be my mantra for the next 40 days. So simple, yet so complicated. So much easier said than done. But I decided it was short and sweet enough for me to repeat. To repeat when I find myself wondering or worrying about what the future holds. To repeat when I find myself trying to interfere or get in His way. To repeat when I am scared or afraid or nervous or anxious. To repeat when my mind is racing over the stupid minutiae of life.
So, if you see me muttering something and worry that I'm talking to myself, I probably am. I'm telling myself: "God's got this". Because He does. No matter how I may get in the way. And hopefully 40 days of repeating this will pound it into my thick skull.
What, if anything are you guys giving up? How about stopping something instead?
God bless each and everyone of you today. Remember: He's got this day in His hands.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Whose emotional baggage are you carrying around?
Yesterday I had a great conversation with my mother-in-law. We often have great talks, so I don't say that like it's a surprise. She is wonderful to me and we have a great relationship. But this was one of those REALLY great talks. Where you dive in deep to issues you've both been carrying around. Where you get to the nitty gritty of things and you both get to share what is TRULY going on in your head. Where you hang up the phone feeling much closer and realizing you have a wonderful bond.
One of the things that sticks out from this conversation is something she said to me. She told me that she was so happy that I'd finally shared with everyone about my curent fight with cancer. She was one of the few people that had known for almost a year that I was no longer in remission. She was sharing with me how she was glad that I had finally let everyone else in so they could support me and love me through it. We ventured into the reasons why I hadn't shared for so many months and this morning I was reviewing that in my head.
In a previous blog, I'd given you half a dozen reasons why I had kept it mostly a secret. I said that I didn't want to burden everyone, that I wanted to be able to be just me and not "sick me", that I didn't want to talk about it all the time and wanted to live a normal life, that I felt we had already asked so much of our family, friends and church and I didn't think it was right to keep asking for more.
But the truth of the matter is this: yes, those are some of the reasons, but not THE MAIN REASON. The truth is that I have been letting two people, yes TWO PEOPLE, determine what I am going to do, share, and talk about when it comes to my health. There were two individuals who doubted my "story" and didn't think it made sense that I didn't completely lose my hair and I never had a port, that I didn't lose a ton of weight, that I didn't lean on the nurse friends I had (even though I have about 13 nurses already) etc, etc. It was almost as if I had been called out as a liar. And I have been carrying that around with me ever since.
When we first found out about it, my husband and I didn't know who we could trust. So we pulled WAAAAY back from most everyone. And then slowly, very, very slowly, started adding people back in once we knew we could trust them. Once we knew they were not on the side of the individuals who had stated I didn't handle my cancer fight the "right way" (as if there is a right way). And as we added people back in, once we knew we could REALLY trust them, those are the individuals we shared about my health issues. But we just didn't feel like we could let it be widely known, because we felt like we would have to deal with the "doubting Thomases" again. It just seemed easier to keep it a closely held secret, easier on my sanity at least for awhile. Until it wasn't so easy. Keeping a secret of that magnitude for so many months is VERY hard and we realized it was draining us even more.
That is what led me to finally blog about it a couple weeks ago. And there was such a huge sense of relief to just get it out there. To not have to pretend why I was acting/looking/feeling sick. To not have to concoct stories as to why I couldn't attend certain functions or why I wasn't at church on certain Sundays. And the outpouring of love and support has been AMAZING. The people in our circle that truly care about us is off the charts.
And this was part of the conversation yesterday with my MIL. How people WANT to be there for us. How they WANT to help in anyway they can. She mentioned that it hurt her heart how I'd lost all those months of support. In my mind, I blamed it on those two individuals. Saying to myself: it's their fault that I had to keep this secret. But the truth is, it was mine. It was mine for giving them that much power over my own life, my own decisions. NO ONE can take that type of control without you giving it over to them. And that's exactly what I'd done. This past year I have still been carrying around all that hurt, anger, frustration, and despair over the things they said to me and behind my back. But who was the one losing by me doing that? Only me. It wasn't affecting them in the least. I had been carrying around THEIR emotional baggage for over a year and because of that, I lost out on love from the people that wanted to give it.
I hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't lied. I hadn't told any half truths. I hadn't mislead anyone. I had simply been fighting my battle with cancer the only way I knew how. Whether they agreed with how I handled it was on THEM, not me. Whether they disliked the decisions I made was THEIR problem, not mine. But I had let it be mine all this time. Even after I "let it out" about my cancer returning, it's been in the back of my mind, wondering what they are saying now. Wondering if they are spreading the same rumors, wondering if they are still saying it doesn't make sense. How RIDICULIOUS is that? Completely ridiculious! The ONLY people I need to be concerned about knowing my truth are: God, myself, my husband and my son. That's it. Period. And it's about time I started living my life that way.
So, today my challenge is this: are you carrying around anyone else's emotional baggage? Are you living your life to avoid upsetting someone else? Has something untrue been said about you and you are letting it affect how you live your life? I beg you today to let it all go. Drop that baggage and NEVER pick it up again. It will make a HUGE difference in your life. I know it will in mine.
Happy Friday and Valentine's Day. Hope you all have a fantastic weekend. God bless and love to you all.
One of the things that sticks out from this conversation is something she said to me. She told me that she was so happy that I'd finally shared with everyone about my curent fight with cancer. She was one of the few people that had known for almost a year that I was no longer in remission. She was sharing with me how she was glad that I had finally let everyone else in so they could support me and love me through it. We ventured into the reasons why I hadn't shared for so many months and this morning I was reviewing that in my head.
In a previous blog, I'd given you half a dozen reasons why I had kept it mostly a secret. I said that I didn't want to burden everyone, that I wanted to be able to be just me and not "sick me", that I didn't want to talk about it all the time and wanted to live a normal life, that I felt we had already asked so much of our family, friends and church and I didn't think it was right to keep asking for more.
But the truth of the matter is this: yes, those are some of the reasons, but not THE MAIN REASON. The truth is that I have been letting two people, yes TWO PEOPLE, determine what I am going to do, share, and talk about when it comes to my health. There were two individuals who doubted my "story" and didn't think it made sense that I didn't completely lose my hair and I never had a port, that I didn't lose a ton of weight, that I didn't lean on the nurse friends I had (even though I have about 13 nurses already) etc, etc. It was almost as if I had been called out as a liar. And I have been carrying that around with me ever since.
When we first found out about it, my husband and I didn't know who we could trust. So we pulled WAAAAY back from most everyone. And then slowly, very, very slowly, started adding people back in once we knew we could trust them. Once we knew they were not on the side of the individuals who had stated I didn't handle my cancer fight the "right way" (as if there is a right way). And as we added people back in, once we knew we could REALLY trust them, those are the individuals we shared about my health issues. But we just didn't feel like we could let it be widely known, because we felt like we would have to deal with the "doubting Thomases" again. It just seemed easier to keep it a closely held secret, easier on my sanity at least for awhile. Until it wasn't so easy. Keeping a secret of that magnitude for so many months is VERY hard and we realized it was draining us even more.
That is what led me to finally blog about it a couple weeks ago. And there was such a huge sense of relief to just get it out there. To not have to pretend why I was acting/looking/feeling sick. To not have to concoct stories as to why I couldn't attend certain functions or why I wasn't at church on certain Sundays. And the outpouring of love and support has been AMAZING. The people in our circle that truly care about us is off the charts.
And this was part of the conversation yesterday with my MIL. How people WANT to be there for us. How they WANT to help in anyway they can. She mentioned that it hurt her heart how I'd lost all those months of support. In my mind, I blamed it on those two individuals. Saying to myself: it's their fault that I had to keep this secret. But the truth is, it was mine. It was mine for giving them that much power over my own life, my own decisions. NO ONE can take that type of control without you giving it over to them. And that's exactly what I'd done. This past year I have still been carrying around all that hurt, anger, frustration, and despair over the things they said to me and behind my back. But who was the one losing by me doing that? Only me. It wasn't affecting them in the least. I had been carrying around THEIR emotional baggage for over a year and because of that, I lost out on love from the people that wanted to give it.
I hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't lied. I hadn't told any half truths. I hadn't mislead anyone. I had simply been fighting my battle with cancer the only way I knew how. Whether they agreed with how I handled it was on THEM, not me. Whether they disliked the decisions I made was THEIR problem, not mine. But I had let it be mine all this time. Even after I "let it out" about my cancer returning, it's been in the back of my mind, wondering what they are saying now. Wondering if they are spreading the same rumors, wondering if they are still saying it doesn't make sense. How RIDICULIOUS is that? Completely ridiculious! The ONLY people I need to be concerned about knowing my truth are: God, myself, my husband and my son. That's it. Period. And it's about time I started living my life that way.
So, today my challenge is this: are you carrying around anyone else's emotional baggage? Are you living your life to avoid upsetting someone else? Has something untrue been said about you and you are letting it affect how you live your life? I beg you today to let it all go. Drop that baggage and NEVER pick it up again. It will make a HUGE difference in your life. I know it will in mine.
Happy Friday and Valentine's Day. Hope you all have a fantastic weekend. God bless and love to you all.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Cancer just SOOOOOO gets in the way
Today started out like any other normal day. One that probably mimics that of millions of other moms. Our house has been fighting the crud so all three of us woke up from a not-that-great night's sleep. My first stop was to mix up my energy drink, Matt's was to flip on Sports Center and Alex's was to grab his phone. After I got the boys out the door, I flipped on my computer since I was working from home. For the first few hours, I went back and forth between work and laundy - one of the main perks of working from the house. Second only to taking conference calls in my yoga pants. :-)
Later on I decided to run over to our local women's boutique to look for an Easter dress because I had a coupon and I LOVE my coupons. Also, I normally wait to the last second and don't end up with anything that great. I then ran some other errands, talked to a couple girlfriends and then picked up little man from the bus. I guess they were learning about Abraham Lincoln today, because first words out of his mouth were: "Ab Lincoln died". Like it happened today. Got him home and settled with his afternoon cookie and milk. While he was eating, I made his bed with the clean sheets and started on dinner.
I'd been short of breath all day, but that's nothing new. I fight it with my inhaler and other meds, but it's one of those things I deal with pretty much every day. I didn't realize today was any worse until I walked out of the kitchen to answer a question from Alex and bamm, fainted. Totally out. Well, I guess not totally because I could hear Alex asking if I was okay, but I just couldn't get my breath together to answer him. The funny thing is I could tell he was completely calm, but in my head I was a panicky mess. I kept telling myself to get it together and answer him but my brain and my lungs weren't cooperating. Finally I was able to draw in a deep breath and tell him I was fine. He was content with that and went back to playing his game on the iPad.
I stayed on the ground for a few more minutes until I felt well enough to get up. And once I felt a bit more normal (what is normal anyway?) I started to get pissed off. Today had been such a good day! I'd been so accomplished! I'd even gotten Alex a little Valentine's Day basket, I'd found cute birthday presents for our friend's daughters, I'd even gotten the car washed, which I knew would make my hubby so happy. I'd checked so many things off my list. Those are what I call my "good days". Days when I handle all the things that are floating around in my head. Days when I get to be just a regular old working Mom and wife.
But after these fainting episodes, I start questioning all the things I should/shouldn't do. Tomorrow we are supposed to drive about an hour and a half from home for the birthday party. Will I be okay to go? Will it happen again? But I WANT to go! I want to see my friend and her girls. I want Alex to have fun with his friends. I just want to be NORMAL, do normal things like everyone else. It's something we've had on the calendar for a month and I want TO GO! Yes, it does make me feel better to put things in caps - eases my frustration a bit. Some people use a punching bag, I use all caps and exclamation points.
And then when I get frustrated over things I might not be able to do, the tears start to come. Tears of frustration and annoyance and loss of independence and how much this *&%^$^ disease is controlling my life. The tears are completely counter productive but they help to just get it all out. And those tears bring me back to reality.
My reality is I have breast cancer that has metastasized to my lung. That's my norm. That's my life. Good, bad or indifferent. I can't change the cards I'm dealt, only handle them the best I can. So, instead of worrying about tomorrow and what I might be able to do or not do, I sit here and I write. And even more than the tears, it helps me feel a bit better. I don't write for your sympathy, I write to get it all out of my head. Because I can't live with cancer in my head AND in my lung. I can only handle it in one place.
Thank you for giving me this forum to actually get it out of my head. Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. And most of all, thank you for loving me: crazy ramblings, cancer and all. Love to you all and God bless.
Later on I decided to run over to our local women's boutique to look for an Easter dress because I had a coupon and I LOVE my coupons. Also, I normally wait to the last second and don't end up with anything that great. I then ran some other errands, talked to a couple girlfriends and then picked up little man from the bus. I guess they were learning about Abraham Lincoln today, because first words out of his mouth were: "Ab Lincoln died". Like it happened today. Got him home and settled with his afternoon cookie and milk. While he was eating, I made his bed with the clean sheets and started on dinner.
I'd been short of breath all day, but that's nothing new. I fight it with my inhaler and other meds, but it's one of those things I deal with pretty much every day. I didn't realize today was any worse until I walked out of the kitchen to answer a question from Alex and bamm, fainted. Totally out. Well, I guess not totally because I could hear Alex asking if I was okay, but I just couldn't get my breath together to answer him. The funny thing is I could tell he was completely calm, but in my head I was a panicky mess. I kept telling myself to get it together and answer him but my brain and my lungs weren't cooperating. Finally I was able to draw in a deep breath and tell him I was fine. He was content with that and went back to playing his game on the iPad.
I stayed on the ground for a few more minutes until I felt well enough to get up. And once I felt a bit more normal (what is normal anyway?) I started to get pissed off. Today had been such a good day! I'd been so accomplished! I'd even gotten Alex a little Valentine's Day basket, I'd found cute birthday presents for our friend's daughters, I'd even gotten the car washed, which I knew would make my hubby so happy. I'd checked so many things off my list. Those are what I call my "good days". Days when I handle all the things that are floating around in my head. Days when I get to be just a regular old working Mom and wife.
But after these fainting episodes, I start questioning all the things I should/shouldn't do. Tomorrow we are supposed to drive about an hour and a half from home for the birthday party. Will I be okay to go? Will it happen again? But I WANT to go! I want to see my friend and her girls. I want Alex to have fun with his friends. I just want to be NORMAL, do normal things like everyone else. It's something we've had on the calendar for a month and I want TO GO! Yes, it does make me feel better to put things in caps - eases my frustration a bit. Some people use a punching bag, I use all caps and exclamation points.
And then when I get frustrated over things I might not be able to do, the tears start to come. Tears of frustration and annoyance and loss of independence and how much this *&%^$^ disease is controlling my life. The tears are completely counter productive but they help to just get it all out. And those tears bring me back to reality.
My reality is I have breast cancer that has metastasized to my lung. That's my norm. That's my life. Good, bad or indifferent. I can't change the cards I'm dealt, only handle them the best I can. So, instead of worrying about tomorrow and what I might be able to do or not do, I sit here and I write. And even more than the tears, it helps me feel a bit better. I don't write for your sympathy, I write to get it all out of my head. Because I can't live with cancer in my head AND in my lung. I can only handle it in one place.
Thank you for giving me this forum to actually get it out of my head. Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. And most of all, thank you for loving me: crazy ramblings, cancer and all. Love to you all and God bless.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
"Good job" and "thank you" are more than just words
Recently someone that I used to support at work changed positions. She wasn't someone I was paid to support, but I had a lot of respect for her, we had become good friends and I thought it was a good career move. She has been with our company for over fifteen years, she knows EVERYONE and I thought if she liked the work that I did, she would maybe share it with a couple people. Which she did - a lot. She is the type of person who will gladly give you credit when you do a good job on a project. So, when I found out she was moving to a different division, I was sad personally and professionally. I thought this meant we wouldn't get to chat as much and I wouldn't get to keep assisting her and getting my name out. As I re-read those words, they seem a bit cold, like I was using our friendship to get ahead. But it really wasn't like that. I work for a large company and you have to take every opportunity you can for people to recognize what you're capable of.
As her last day came and went, my friend mentioned that I should apply for her old position. I just didn't think I had the capability to fill her shoes, so I didn't give it much more thought. Someone else suggested it about a month ago and I mulled it over but then I learned you had to live in Minnesota, and there was no chance of this Alabama girl moving there. Then last week, during my review, my boss and I were discussing how I'd been in my position for 5 1/2 years and I was feeling a bit bored. He said "why don't you apply for Sandy's old position?" I told him about it being in Minnesota and he said he could ask if that could be changed, but I decided not to have him pursue it.
Then this morning, just as I turned on my computer, I received an instant message from Sandy. She said, "hey, you've been on my mind all night and I really think you need to apply for that position." As you have all probably learned by now, I had several objections in my head. "But the person has to be in Minnesota". She told me that decision was made by only one person and could be changed. I told her the job was too many pay grades above me and she said that could be worked out. I told her that I didn't think I could do all she had done and this was her response: "If your current boss thinks you can do it and the person who used to do the work says you can, why don't YOU think you can?" I told her that I wasn't sure I was up for such a big career move, that I thought my end goal was to eventually stay at home and not work. To which she replied: "But I thought you were bored doing what you're doing?"
Well, she had me there. I am bored. I really can't say I like going to work. I've been doing it for so long now that I feel like I can do it in my sleep. Just don't tell my boss that....And that's partly why I've gotten so excited about writing. I thought it meant that my job would just be my job (no matter how lackluster and how I wished I didn't have to go) and I'd get my true fulfillment from doing this. So, I'd given up on the idea of moving up at work because I was just holding out for the day I didn't have to go, even if that was years from now. Maybe not the best attitude to have, but I couldn't imagine a role opening up that I could move into. Until today.
It was interesting timing because my husband and I were talking about some other things last night that we were giving up to God, one of them being two new business ventures he's trying to decide between. Depending on which one God leads us towards, I definitely wouldn't be able to take the new job anyway. With the hours he'd have to work, it would be impossible for me to take on added responsibility at my job. He'd be working 70+ hours a week the first year and I would need to be the main caregiver for our son. But if God points us in the other direction, there would be a little more latitude. So, I figured, if we are giving that part of our lives up to God, why not this as well. I could apply for the job and leave it in His hands. If He wants me to have it, great. If He doesn't, well, then I'm not out anything. But if I DIDN'T apply then I could have been getting in His way. I mean, God is ultimately in control, but He expects us to do some of the work ourselves.
So, application sent and I decided to fill in my boss. He was perfectly fine with it and said he would help in any way he could. Filled in Sandy and she was super excited. Told the people that I'd used for references and repeat the excitement. And guess what happened next? I started to get a bit excited myself. I mean, who doesn't like to hear others say they'd be great at something? Who doesn't like to have their ego stroked just a bit? Do I ultimately think the upper echelon will see it our way? Nope? But did that matter today? Nope.
Today was about knowing that others thought I could handle it, that I offered value, that they found me deserving and were in my corner to help however they could. And even though we shouldn't need that external affirmation, truth is we do. I KNOW it's not just me. Yeah, yeah, I could be writing a blog where I say: I SHOULDN'T have needed to hear that. I SHOULD have known it myself. I SHOULD have applied without the others pushing me.
But I'm trying to get away from the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". Truth is, we're humans and we care about what other people think. We need to hear a "good job" every once in awhile. We need to feel like the team needs us and wouldn't be the same without us. Even if the other job doesn't come through, I feel better today about the one I have. Tomorrow I don't think I'll be dreading heading that way as much. Because I learned that "they like me, they really like me". Just kidding - I couldn't resist on that one. No, seriously though, I learned that I am an asset to the team and that means a lot. Now I just might try a bit harder and who knows, that might catch someone else's eye and another opportunity might come up.
But in the mean time, I walked away with this question: how often do I tell someone "good job"? How often do I let someone know that I appreciate them or I like what they've done or say thank you? I try to do it when I think about it, but I'm sure I could do it more. And knowing how much it meant to me, I am going to do it more. Because I'd like others to have the same feeling I had today.
Is there someone you can say "good job" to or "thank you" or let them know how much you appreciate them? Just imagine if we all told one person tomorrow? Just a thought....
Hope everyone has a great night! God bless and love to you all.
As her last day came and went, my friend mentioned that I should apply for her old position. I just didn't think I had the capability to fill her shoes, so I didn't give it much more thought. Someone else suggested it about a month ago and I mulled it over but then I learned you had to live in Minnesota, and there was no chance of this Alabama girl moving there. Then last week, during my review, my boss and I were discussing how I'd been in my position for 5 1/2 years and I was feeling a bit bored. He said "why don't you apply for Sandy's old position?" I told him about it being in Minnesota and he said he could ask if that could be changed, but I decided not to have him pursue it.
Then this morning, just as I turned on my computer, I received an instant message from Sandy. She said, "hey, you've been on my mind all night and I really think you need to apply for that position." As you have all probably learned by now, I had several objections in my head. "But the person has to be in Minnesota". She told me that decision was made by only one person and could be changed. I told her the job was too many pay grades above me and she said that could be worked out. I told her that I didn't think I could do all she had done and this was her response: "If your current boss thinks you can do it and the person who used to do the work says you can, why don't YOU think you can?" I told her that I wasn't sure I was up for such a big career move, that I thought my end goal was to eventually stay at home and not work. To which she replied: "But I thought you were bored doing what you're doing?"
Well, she had me there. I am bored. I really can't say I like going to work. I've been doing it for so long now that I feel like I can do it in my sleep. Just don't tell my boss that....And that's partly why I've gotten so excited about writing. I thought it meant that my job would just be my job (no matter how lackluster and how I wished I didn't have to go) and I'd get my true fulfillment from doing this. So, I'd given up on the idea of moving up at work because I was just holding out for the day I didn't have to go, even if that was years from now. Maybe not the best attitude to have, but I couldn't imagine a role opening up that I could move into. Until today.
It was interesting timing because my husband and I were talking about some other things last night that we were giving up to God, one of them being two new business ventures he's trying to decide between. Depending on which one God leads us towards, I definitely wouldn't be able to take the new job anyway. With the hours he'd have to work, it would be impossible for me to take on added responsibility at my job. He'd be working 70+ hours a week the first year and I would need to be the main caregiver for our son. But if God points us in the other direction, there would be a little more latitude. So, I figured, if we are giving that part of our lives up to God, why not this as well. I could apply for the job and leave it in His hands. If He wants me to have it, great. If He doesn't, well, then I'm not out anything. But if I DIDN'T apply then I could have been getting in His way. I mean, God is ultimately in control, but He expects us to do some of the work ourselves.
So, application sent and I decided to fill in my boss. He was perfectly fine with it and said he would help in any way he could. Filled in Sandy and she was super excited. Told the people that I'd used for references and repeat the excitement. And guess what happened next? I started to get a bit excited myself. I mean, who doesn't like to hear others say they'd be great at something? Who doesn't like to have their ego stroked just a bit? Do I ultimately think the upper echelon will see it our way? Nope? But did that matter today? Nope.
Today was about knowing that others thought I could handle it, that I offered value, that they found me deserving and were in my corner to help however they could. And even though we shouldn't need that external affirmation, truth is we do. I KNOW it's not just me. Yeah, yeah, I could be writing a blog where I say: I SHOULDN'T have needed to hear that. I SHOULD have known it myself. I SHOULD have applied without the others pushing me.
But I'm trying to get away from the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". Truth is, we're humans and we care about what other people think. We need to hear a "good job" every once in awhile. We need to feel like the team needs us and wouldn't be the same without us. Even if the other job doesn't come through, I feel better today about the one I have. Tomorrow I don't think I'll be dreading heading that way as much. Because I learned that "they like me, they really like me". Just kidding - I couldn't resist on that one. No, seriously though, I learned that I am an asset to the team and that means a lot. Now I just might try a bit harder and who knows, that might catch someone else's eye and another opportunity might come up.
But in the mean time, I walked away with this question: how often do I tell someone "good job"? How often do I let someone know that I appreciate them or I like what they've done or say thank you? I try to do it when I think about it, but I'm sure I could do it more. And knowing how much it meant to me, I am going to do it more. Because I'd like others to have the same feeling I had today.
Is there someone you can say "good job" to or "thank you" or let them know how much you appreciate them? Just imagine if we all told one person tomorrow? Just a thought....
Hope everyone has a great night! God bless and love to you all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)