Yesterday our pastor's sermon centered around a question I've been asking myself for several months - if not years. "What does God want you to want?" Later on when I got home, I told my husband I was so frustrated by that question that I almost raised my hand to ask "what if I don't know?" He said he was sure it wasn't a Q&A session so he's glad I didn't do that. I could see in my poor hubby's eyes the potential embarassment he was imagining. Anyway, I digress....
So, since I was a good girl and didn't raise my hand during church, I was left with the initial question: what if I don't know what God wants me to want? I decided to ask Matt if he knew his purpose and he said he wasn't totally sure, but that when the question was posed, he knew right away what mine was. Really, I asked, please tell me. He said it was to be a writer. Just like that. Pure and simple, while I'd been worrying about it for the longest time. I told him that I didn't think I could make any money writing and he told me that maybe that was part of his purpose - to make it so that I didn't need to worry about the money aspect. I came up with a few other reasons why this couldn't be my purpose and he shot those down as well.
And you know what happened a few moments after that conversation? I felt like someone had lifted a twenty pound weight off of my shoulders. I had been struggling with that question FOREVER and all it took was my asking my sweet hubby. Why hadn't I done that before? Why hadn't I shared this struggle with him earlier? Why hadn't I made it clear how much this had been weighing on me? Maybe because I didn't want to put more on his shoulders. Maybe because I didn't want to sound like I was whining about my current job. Or maybe because we have a lot of other things going on right now and telling him how unfilfilled I've been feeling didn't seem like a huge priority. But imagine if we'd had that conversation months earlier? The peace that I would have felt long ago.
Throughout the day I still tried poking holes in this whole writing thing. Did I like to write? Yes. Actually, I LOVE to write. It is calming for me, it helps me clear my head, it's cathartic, and it makes me feel like I might be helping others by sharing some of my crazy thoughts. So, the answer was a definite yes to "is this something you'd like to do?" But then the other doubts came up: How do I turn my little blog into something more? How would I find enough to write about? Would there come a point that people would get sick of my ramblings? Do I try and write a book or stick to a blog? On and on the questions came.
Then last night as I was settling in, I was reminded of the main question our pastor asked: What does God want you to WANT. It wasn't "how will you make that work" or "where do you start" or "will everyone else agree with this want". It was what does GOD want you to want. And I had my answer. God wants me to write. Clear as day that is my answer. This morning do I know more than that? No. Do I have any clue what it will lead to and what I should be writing about or if I even need one main subject? No. Do I know how much or how little I should be writing? NOPE. Will there ever come a time I can quit my job and focus solely on writing? No earthly idea. But I know I'm going to write and I will just have to pray for the rest of the answers. And even that little bit of knowledge gives me a great feeling. Because I finally feel like God and I are on the same page regarding this one thing. And that's a great feeling to have.
Hope you all have a great day. Love to you all.
