I will be the first person to admit I'm hard headed...or maybe it's slow to learn. I'm sure my hubby has an opinion on this one and he'd probably use the word stubborn. Either way, sometimes it seems like God has taught me the same lesson over and over and over yet I forget it over and over and over again. Yesterday was a perfect example.
Tuesday I was high as a kite from learning that my radiation was FINALLY pre-approved. I couldn't wait to tell the world about how God had made it happen and how amazing He is. My faith felt as solid as a rock because I had seen first hand how He would lead me through the toughest of times. I was uplifted by the knowledge that no matter how low I got, how exhausted I became, He would carry me through the battle. If I could have walked down Highway 280 carrying a sign praising His name, I probably would have done it. I was that full of glory.
Looking back in history, I see that the two times Satan truly gets to me is when I'm at my highest and when I'm at my lowest. It's not the middle-of-the-road times. He wiggles his way into my mind and heart when I'm down in the dumps and don't have the emotional energy to fight back. But he also finds his way in (and this probably happens more often) when I'm riding up high, when I'm my happiest and full of life. I think it's because I don't see it coming. I'm so focused on God and how wonderful things are and how nothing can get me down that he comes up from behind and takes me out at the knees. And since I'm feeling so awesome there's farther to fall.
This happened yesterday. I went into work ready to start scheduling my next treatments and coordinate it all with my boss. Nothing could bring me down. I was reading all your supportive messages and feeling loved and thinking it was going to be a glorious day. God had my back and had shown it clear as day. I felt like I had been rejuvenated and had a new sense of energy and purpose. We were finally back on track to kick this disease and nothing could stand in my/our way. We were UNSTOPPABLE. Until my boss had a whole other way of looking at it.
I thought it best to go right to him and tell him what I needed to have done and how it would require me to miss some time from work, but I had PTO to cover it, etc. I wasn't asking for a lot of time and didn't think it would end up being a huge disruption. But obviously he did. A bit of a background: I had learned recently that he is being relocated to NC but that I would still be reporting to him from AL. But when I told him about needing more treatments, he made a comment about maybe he should use someone up in NC to support him because he needed someone more reliable. And that maybe I should take a leave of absence until I was sure that I was finally done with all treatments. And how he'd been tracking my time missed from the office and it was getting excessive. And finally, how I might need to decide if I could continue working while I had this disease still hanging over my head.
Since I was on such a high and completely unprepared for his response, it all hit me pretty hard. I was already a bit worried about him moving to NC and deciding he didn't need me after all, so now I had that fear back in my head. And from there, Satan got his foothold. I was hurt because I felt like my boss didn't care, I was frustrated because I had just fought to get insurance to cover these treatments, and now I have to fight the same company to take the time off needed. Instead of taking all those emotions and give them over to God, I let Satan take a hold of me for the rest of the day. I was angry, pissed off, frustrated, irritated - you name it, I was feeling it. And those feelings ruled my day. Or more to the point, I allowed those feelings and Satan to rule my day.
I got home and Alex hit me with some stuff right when I walked in the door and it set me off more. Yes, it was stuff that was irritating and he probably could tell my mood and decided to push my buttons further. But on another day, I would have been better at taking a deep breath and walking away. And even though I felt it was necessary to address several issues with him, I didn't deal with them with the right attitude. This caused some friction between Matt and I and there went a good part of the evening.
All because Satan saw a good opportunity, took it and I allowed it. I allowed it during that meeting with my boss, I allowed it during the rest of the day, I allowed it on my drive home, I allowed it when I walked in my front door and I allowed it in my interaction with Alex. So, who's to blame? I would love to blame it all on the devil, but I am ultimately at fault. Because I know God can fix all these things I'm worried about, because He has proven it to me time and time again and because I have seen this pattern several times in the past.
Where do I go from here? I'd love to kick myself in the butt, but I'm not that flexible. What other options are there? Well, all I know to do (other than mentally beating myself up for several days) is to take a deep breath and tell the devil that he has no place in my life today or any other day. To remind myself (for the thousandth time) that God is in control and all concerns I have need to be turned over to Him. So, I started the day with some chocolate (because that always helps me get closer to God - or at least that's what I tell myself), re-read my blog from Tuesday to remind myself of His power and started a new day. I can't promise that I won't repeat this cycle again but I'm going to do my best to learn from it. I sure hope I'm not the only one that is this hard headed. Even if I am, I'm going to pretend I'm not alone. :-)
