You know those days where you turn on Facebook and you see a post about someone's vacation or someone's new house or someone's new job promotion or someone's ultrasound picture for a new pregnancy? And you get jealous? And you think that you should never admit that to anyone? Well, I'm pulling back the curtain today and admitting my jealousy this morning. I don't admit it because I'm proud of it. I admit it because I feel incredible guilt over it and it makes me think I haven't grown like I thought I had. And then I became really embarassed and started beating myself up over it.
But then a small little voice inside my head said that I couldn't be the only one who feels this way from time to time. And that we're only human - imperfect, full of flaws, sinners. Yes, envy is a sin. And I can understand why - because it can eat you up. It can make you feel like your life isn't "good enough" or that you as a person aren't "good enough" because you don't have what the other person has. You start asking yourself "what have they done that I haven't to afford that?" Or "what have I done WRONG that God isn't allowing me to have that"? Or "why does that person have more friends than I do? Am I that bad of a person?" All these thoughts can take you down a really negative rabbit hole. And it was one that I thought I'd moved past. But it crept up like a beast this morning again. And that is really where the shame came from. Because I thought God had taught me the lesson a few months ago....but I obviously needed a refresher course.
Over the past six months or so, my family has been dealing with a couple issues that we haven't been sharing with everyone. Partly because we don't want to burden those around us, partly because we don't want to deal with a ton of extra opinions and partly because putting things "out there" makes it more real. Well, when you keep some things secret from your friends/inner circle, it can start to make you feel a bit isolated. Because you're holding things back and maybe not being as sociable/outgoing as you normally would. But something else can happen as well - since you're holding something negative inside that negativity can start to eat away at you, like a cancer. And you can start to feel jealous/envious of those around you; those that you think have it so much easier. And you start to think "if only". If only we had their "perfect life". If only we had their financial situation, their ability to travel, their standing in the community, their social network, their extended family, etc, etc. And the jealousy starts to take hold. And you can feel the bitterness start to slowly eat away at your heart. I'm ashamed to admit this was happening to me. Until...
One day we found out that a husband and wife close to us had been dealing with an issue we had no clue about. On the outside, their life looked incredibly perfect. Perfect marriage and family, always happy, never seemed to have a negative word to say, tons of friends, etc, etc. They live out of state, but through the wonders of Facebook, I've been able to watch how "perfect" their life was. But that Friday evening I learned a very poweful lesson - what people show you is NOT what is truly going on. People show you what they WANT to show you, what they choose to show you, just like Matt and I had been doing. This "perfect" couple had been dealt a serious blow to their "perfect" world and I felt like the wind had been taken out of my sails. This was the couple I wanted to be, wished I could be like. But it wasn't all so perfect after all.
And I just was stunned. I had a million emotions running through my head at the same time. Incredible, overwhelming sadness for what they were dealing with. Anger at God for letting them go through this situation. Shock that I had no clue whatsoever. But most of all, terrible shame that I had been so envious of their lives. Writing this today, I can see that moment in my head clear as if it was yesterday. I just sat and stared at the wall for the longest time. I just couldn't even get myself to speak. Matt asked me what was going on and I had to write it down for him. That's how at a loss for words I was.
I had been so consumed by what was going on in our own world. I had allowed myself to think that others in our circle had it so much easier than us. But they didn't. They don't. And in that moment, sitting in Alex's room watching him sleep because it gave me peace, I promised God that I would never be envious of someone again. And then darn it if today I didn't break that promise. I could blame social media and how it screws with your mind. I could blame the fact that I'm sick and it's been a long week. I could blame a thousand things. But I won't. I blame myself for ALLOWING myself to get caught up in the trap again. It was my CHOICE to react that way, to have those feelings. And the way my brain was working today, I could very well have stayed in that place all day. But we have a loving God and he helped me out of the rabbit hole.
As I was stuck in traffic at a stop light (just to clarify that I wasn't reading FB and driving) I came across one of my favorite morning inspirations - Jaimie Sullivan's (from Jersey Belle) "cawfee talk". I listened to it and part of her message was being thankful for what we have. That wasn't an accident. Then soon after I got to work, I got a phone call from a dear friend who really lifted my spirits. Then I got a text from my sister-in-law that really brightened my day. It's amazing how I always get texts from her at the exact moment I need them. Again, not an accident. And I realized that this was God's way of helping me out of my funk. It was okay that I had failed. He wasn't blaming me or punishing me. He was just reminding me that I do have a darn good life and I need to appreciate it.
I can't say that I won't be jealous or envious again and God won't have to help me out in the future with this sin. But I'm thankful for the ways that He is there to gently remind me that the grass isn't greener on the other side. My own is a pretty wonderful shade. And I need to enjoy it every. single. day.
Happy Friday to everyone. I hope you enjoy your own green grass today. Love to you all!
