I would never categorize myself as someone who is very strong. It's just not a word I would use to describe myself. We all know I can be extremely emotional and get my feelings hurt easily. I don't do that well under pressure and don't handle change very well. I also tend to make decisions based on my gut. I don't say these things to put myself down - they are just facts about my I am. However, that being said, they are not characteristics of someone who is very strong in character. Or are they? Because my son seems to think differently.
On the way to taking Alex to school this morning (and yes, we seem to have our best conversations in the car), he was listing all the things he liked about me. You're the sweetest Mommy in the world, you're the prettiest Mommy in the world, you're the strongest Mommy I know....Wait, huh? Back up. I'll agree with the first (just kidding), the second is because he's incredibly biased and the third is just totally wrong.
I asked him why he thought Mommy was strong. Was it because I could lift him in the air and throw him on the bed? Was it because I could give him piggy back rides? Was it because I could carry multiple grocery bags at once? NO! he said. Not that kind of strong. Strong like a person. Okay, still not getting it....So, I asked several diferent ways what he meant. And this is what he told me: "You're strong when people get in your way. Like at the pharmacy when they won't get you my medicine. Or when the doctor doesn't call you back. Or all those thousands of phone calls you make to get me what I need. That's what I mean."
Well.....so many things ran through my head. First off, that I don't do NEARLY as good a job of shielding him from things as I thought I did. Secondly, we don't pay his preschool enough cause his verbal skills are through the roof. Third, well, I felt like he was proud of me. And I know, I know, as mothers, it's not about making our children proud. We are supposed to be molding THEM into good, well-behaved, intelligent people. But it was nice to hear that he thought this way about me.
But still, I wasn't sure he was right. Just yesterday I had been faced with some difficult news and told Matt that I just COULD NOT DO IT! That I was throwing up my hands. That I was giving up. That I didn't have it in me. And I know that those words have come out of my mouth MULTIPLE times. So, isn't that the opposite of strong? Doesn't that make me weak if I want to just give up and curl into a ball?
Then I was reminded of something I had read on Facebook: "when you are beating yourself up, take a minute to think of what you would say to a friend in the same situation." I would say this: "Saying you want to give up is not the same as actually giving up. It's okay to have times where you lose it emotionally. Things said in those moments don't really count. As long as the next hour or next day or maybe next week you pick yourself back up and face the challenge, you didn't actually give up."
Given this new situation, I was wondering if I could actually take in the words I would tell a friend. Could I actually believe that I was strong? I definitely won't go with the strongest mommy in the world, altough it's nice that my five year old thinks so......Looking back over the last few years, I can see lots of times I WANTED to give up, but can't see a time that I actually did. So, hopefully this time won't be the first. Maybe I just need to give myself another hour or day or possibly a week....Maybe strong is just right around the corner.
Fingers crossed.....
