I absolutely hate bathing suit season. I know, I know, I shouldn't use the word hate. So, I'll change it. I DETEST bathing suit season. I always have, no matter what size I've been. Even at a size zero, two or four, I could find something wrong with my body that I didn't want to show to the rest of the world. I mean, really, WHY, do we have to get half-naked to go in the water?
The problem with hating bathing suits is that I LOVE the water. Doesn't matter if it's the pool , lake or ocean. I love the sound it makes, just the sight of it brings me a peace and swimming in it magically turns off my brain.
I have quite the quandary, don't I? Either stay away from the water or learn to deal with these nasty contraptions that make women weep. Well, the first is definitely not an option. From almost the moment Alex was born, we could tell he would love the water just like me. At six months old, I put him in a pool to cool off and he immediately started kicking his legs. It was just automatic for him. So, I have always tried to encourage his love of swimming and vowed that my dislike (putting it mildly here) for how I look barely clothed wouldn't stand in his way. It's not his fault that I can rattle off my faults faster than kinds of chocolate - which says a lot.
This weekend our neighborhood pool opened, so we spent a lot of time there. The weather was nice, I was able to get some sun and he got to do his favorite thing. This morning just the two of us went early to avoid the crowd and luckily only one family was there. I hate to admit this, but I was happy to see the mom was similar to me - not a size two and not in model-perfect shape. We were just two regular ladies hanging out at the pool and it was nice and laid back. We chatted while our boys played and found we had a lot in common. It was incredibly relaxing and I didn't think one minute about how I looked in my bathing suit.
Until....three other moms came through the gate with their small children. And all three were in two pieces, tiny two pieces. And they looked perfect. The moms you see at the playground that my friend and I joke are the "hot moms". The ones I'm NOT supposed to admit I want to look like, but I really do. And it was so interesting how the vibe changed in the pool between my new friend and I. I could see that she had gotten insecure at exactly the same moment as me. She started talking about needing to get her son home for a nap - her SIX year old boy at 10:00 in the morning. I knew what she was feeling, so I just went along with her. And since I didn't want to be left alone with the "perfect moms", I also decided it was time for us to leave. Was it about time to get out of the sun? Probably? But did I rush it just a bit? Probably.
While we were getting our stuff together, Alex pointed to one of the other moms and said "look at her bathing suit Mommy. You should get one like that. You'd look pretty." Of course, in my mind I started listing off all the reasons why it would NOT look good on me. My stomach isn't flat like hers, my waist isn't tiny like hers, my legs....well, you get the drift. To him I just said "thank you." But on our way home, it got me thinking: why can't we see ourselves through our children's eyes? Why can't I see myself as pretty as he does? He doesn't see my rounded tummy or un-toned legs or jiggly arms. He doesn't compare me to anyone else the way I do. He looks at me and sees a beautiful mom...just the way I am.
Now, I wish I could tell you that I will stop criticizing my body and be totally content with how I look. I wish I could say that I will snap my fingers and change the way I think. I won't pretend it's that easy. But next time the "hot moms" come to the pool, maybe I'll stay a bit longer, knowing that my little guy close by thinks I'm a hot mom too.
