Yesterday Alex had a pediatrician's appointment to see how he was doing on his medication and check his weight. About an hour beforehand, I could feel the worry creeping in. What if he'd lost weight? Would we need to change medications? Would we find one that would work with our insurance? Would she want to stop him altogether? He's calmer on the medication, so what would we do then. Each time one of these thoughts came up, I asked God to take them away. I prayed that he would ease my worry and help me deal with whatever scenario came up. So, by the time I picked up Alex, I was feeling much more peaceful. Until he stepped on the scale.....
36.5 lbs it read. Without realizing, i said "ughhhhhh, no". It was one of those things you think you said in your head until you look around and see the nurses looking at you. And then Alex looked at the nurses and said "my Mommy doesn't like scales." Leave it to my little guy to break the negative vibe with a joke. But even though I started laughing along with the others, the worry was back. And I found myself giving into it. I mean, come on God (I was thinking, not saying out loud this time), what am I supposed to do? Do we not have enough on our plates right now? How do you make a child eat that has absolutely no appetite? In that moment, it just felt like ONE. MORE. THING. One more thing I didn't know how to figure out. One more thing I didn't have the answers to. One more thing I felt like I'd been fighting forever and not getting anywhere.
When we went into the room, I got this feeling in the back of my head that I should be doing something. I couldn't figure out what it was. I checked my e-mails, my texts, facebook - nothing looked outstanding. Then I realized it was my subconscious reminding me to pray. I wasn't sure what to pray for, so I just prayed for peace.
The appointment actually went well. The doctor noticed that Alex was much calmer, but still had his same cute personality. We decided, together, that having him on something was helpful, but we needed to make a change. He was taking Adderall, which is in the ampethamine family of drugs, and it can be worse for reducing appetite and weight loss. The doctor was great about choosing a medicine that was covered by our insurance so I was feeling really good. Until....she seriously brought up his weight. She told me everything I already knew. He'd lost 3.5 lbs in less than two months, he was already underweight to begin with, now he was 5% on the weight chart, at this age he should be gaining, not losing, etc. She went through all different ways to try to get him to eat, all things I had tried. She ended the appointment by saying we would check his weight in a month and if he'd lost any more weight, we'd have to come up with a plan. I wasn't sure what else we could try so I just said okay.
On the way home, I continued to pray for peace. I prayed that God would keep the worry from coming back. That He would let me know He had it under control. I told myself that we were so blessed because Alex's ears looked crystal clear and that in itself is HUGE. I told myself that in the scheme of all the other things Alex has dealth with health-wise, this wasn't nearly as bad. I reminded myself that we had figured all the other things out and we would this one too.
But I still had a heaviness on my chest. Even though I was praying, I could tell I wasn't totally releasing the situation to God. I got Alex his dinner (yeah, he was eating!) and sat down with my iPad to read one of my daily devotionals. And found my comfort. Here was my prayer for yesterday:
"Dear Jesus, you know that I often let circumstances determine my happiness. You know that I often allow the killjoys of problems and pressures to rob my happiness. Help me to look at every problem in my life from your viewpoint. I want to handle problems in a way that is a witness to nonbelievers and an encouragement to believers. As for the things that happen that I don't understand or can't figure out, I want to trust you to work it all out for good. Help me to stay focused on your purpose for my life and not my problems. In your name I pray, Amen."
Perfect words for the day. And the heaviness on my chest disappeared. And I truly gave the situation to Him, I released it. There was nothing I could do that I hadn't already tried. Me worrying about it wasn't going to change a thing anyway. All I can do is get Alex to eat as much as possible when he IS hungry. Well, and also to remember to pray. So, today I pray that God will hold my son in His hands and take care of all areas of his health. To help the doctor and I make the right decisions. And to help me feel calm about those decisions. And to remember that He is in charge of the situation, NOT me.
Hope everyone has a fantastic day - a day that He made just for us.
