Yesterday was a hard day for me. Very, very hard. I didn't realize how hard it was until I woke up this morning and I felt like I'd been beaten up. I had tossed and turned so much that every muscle hurt. I layed in bed much longer than I should have because I just didn't want to face the day. I had this terrible sadness hanging over my head that I just couldn't shake and I really wanted to just hide under the covers all day. But that wasn't an option since I had to go to the office, so I had to put on my big girl panties and get a move on.
As many of you know, I have a very volatile relationship with my parents. My mother has been diagnosed as bi-polar but refuses to take any medication. She insists that the doctors are wrong and she doesn't need any help. She suffers from major bouts of paranoia, which is very common with the disease, and often believes that people are out to kill her or someone close to her. She hasn't been well most of my life, but when I was 23 it really came to a head and I was "disowned" from the family. Since then there have been several attempts to mend the fences but it always ends up in disaster. After each time, I will vow that I won't go through it again, but normally every six months or so, they will pop back up and I will pray about what God wants me to do. My wordly heart tells me to never let them into my life again, but as a Christian, I wonder "what if this is FINALLY the time that God is going to fix the relationship?" I worry that if I don't give it a chance each time, that it will be me going against His plan.
Over the past couple of years, my father has battled non-Hodgkins lymphoma. From what I was told, at one point he was given six weeks to live. I never knew if it was completely the truth, because I've been told many things before that didn't turn out to be true. But again, I could never completely turn my back on them, because what if it were true and he passed away without me finding closure. I just didn't know if I would be able to live with myself if I didn't at least keep the door open a tiny bit.
Which is what I was trying to do over the last few months. Keep the door open so there was a tiny bit of communication, yet also guarding my heart from getting hurt again. My parents would push to have contact with Alex, but I wouldn't allow it because I still didn't trust them completely. And I felt, as his mother, that he needed to be protected completely from all the family drama.
Well, yesterday my mother went off on one of her paranoid rants. It's embarassing to share some of this, but she was insistent that the FBI and Interpol were protecting us (secretly of course) from people that wanted to kill us. Reading that on my computer screen, I knew that it was time to close that door. I could feel God in that moment telling me it was time, that it was over. I felt an overwhelming peace from Him. I could literally hear Him telling me it was okay to let go. He was giving me full permission. The hard part was going to be finding the right words to end all communication.
So, as I typed each word in response, I prayed. I prayed that I would keep all my emotion out of it, that the words I used would not further inflame the situation, that I would not act accusatory, that I would not place blame and that I would not make mention of her paranoid delusions. When I pressed 'send' I felt very peaceful. I felt like I had handled the situation as best as I could. I knew there would be fall out, but I knew God was on my side and I had acted, not reacted.
If only I had thought to block their e-mail address after I sent my response. Because what I got back was the worst thing I had ever read. It was vile, hurtful, full of venom and spite, calling me names that I wouldn't use against my worst enemy, blaming me for every problem in their lives, etc, etc. I told myself it wasn't a surprise, that I'd read similar things before and not to let it get me down. Alex and I went to some friends house right after I got it and I tried to not dwell on it. But I couldn't sleep most of the night. I asked myself over and over again if I had done something wrong. Was I wrong for cracking the door in the first place? Was I wrong for shutting that door again? Was I doing everything I should as a Christian? Did I truly hear from God yesterday or was that just my excuse to get them out of my life?
All these thoughts were running through my head as I was getting ready for work. I did my best to shove them aside so I could get out the door, but they were still there. As I got in the car (before I started driving), I checked my e-mail and I noticed one from a dear friend of mine. She had forwarded her daily devotion with the following words attached: "I don't know why, but I just KNEW you needed this today. Love you." And the devotion was all about how sometimes God will lead you to shut the door on people that are not good for you or your family. That He will make it clear to you when that is His plan. And when it IS His plan, he will lead you to do it in a way that is not reactive, not full of animosity or hate. And even if the other person comes back in a negative way, that does NOT mean that you have gone against His plan. We are only responsible for our own actions, not how other people will react to them.
After reading that devotion, I returned to my sense of peace. Does it stop me hurting from the things they said? No. Does it stop me from missing having "normal" parents? No. But it does let me know that this time I was doing what God asked me to. I did the right thing as a Christian and as a mother. Doing the right thing doesn't mean there won't be negative ramifications. But that doesn't mean we have to change our actions to make everyone else happy. And today I am going to cling to the fact that God is here for me in my time of need. He is here to lead me in the right direction. And as long as I follow that direction, I don't have to second guess myself.
Thank you for reading. I wish a sense of peace for each and every one of you.
